1.The lights dim, dramatic music begins, and your heart starts racing as his silhouette appears.
2.He opens with "Nirvana" and his voice is the aural equivalent of your most comforting sweater and a steamy mug of hot cocoa, filling you with immediate peace.
3.He reaches up to his first falsetto and you are certain you will not make it out of this intimate evening alive.
4.He croons "Leave Your Lover" and everyone in the audience is like, yes, fine, I'll leave my lover, my job, my family, whatever, just please keep singing.
5.He pauses to talk to the audience about how he's overwhelmed, and you wonder how it's possible one human can be so talented and so endearing at the SAME TIME??
6.He starts "I'm Not The Only One" and everyone is moved by the power of his deep soul tones to stand up and start mom-dancing like no one is watching.
7.He growl-sings the line, "Maybe I'm just not enough," and the crowd screams as if to say "IN WHAT WORLD??!??!??!?????"
8.He breaks to talk about how "I've Told You Now" was inspired by a drunk confession, and for a second you think, "Sam Smith, he's just like us."
9.But then he starts singing again and you're reminded that he is actually an angel, while we are the mere mortals whom he is gracing with his presence.
10.He takes a seat and you know that this means something very REAL is about to go down, and you're worried your already-worked-up heart won't be able to take it.
11.He says he's about to cover one of his favorite divas, and you nearly black out in panic, thinking, COULD IT BE? COULD IT BEEEE?
12.YES, IT IS, HE COVERS "HOW WILL I KNOW" AND YOUR BODY LITERALLY MELTS INTO THE GROUND. YOU HAVE TRANSCENDED YOUR PHYSICAL STATE.
13.You think you will never recover from the emotional devastation of listening to Sam Smith simply, with minimal instrumentation, turn an 80's classic into a brooding love ballad, but then he asks you to get up and dance to "La La La" and you're like FINE.
14.His voice soars as he sings "Lay Me Down" and you're torn between wanting to sing along with the one and only Sam Smith, and also wanting to glare at everyone else whose voice you hear over his.
15.He creates the perfect mashup of "Money On My Mind" and CeCe Peniston's "Finally" and you feel like you yourself are nearing a state of nirvana.
16.And then he says goodbye! And even though you know there will be an encore, you are still terrified of a reality in which Sam Smith is not singing directly to you.
17.But he comes back to the stage quickly and starts to sing a slowed-down "Latch," and for a brief moment you feel like the night is full of love, and all of your dreams will come true, and everything is right in the world.
18.He says he wants to end on a high note and transitions into "Make It To Me," which he calls his "massive mating call" and you're like uhhh yes message received.
19.And then you know it's about to happen but you almost don't want it to because you're sure you aren't emotionally prepared: You know "Stay With Me" is coming.
20.And then it happens and you're dead. RIP you.
21.And afterward, your floating ghost gets on the subway home, where everyone else who just saw Sam Smith is singing Sam Smith songs, and everything is great, amen.