Rewind·Updated on Aug 24, 2020. Posted on Jan 30, 20149 Bizarre Patents That Prove The Past Was A NightmareLet's hear it for the modern age.by Arianna ReboliniBuzzFeed StaffFacebookPinterestTwitterMailLink 9. Bathing Apparatus, 1902 http://U.S. Patent No. 714,659 / Via ipwatchdog.com Not actually a method of displaying disembodied heads, the Bathing Apparatus turned an "ordinary bath-tub commonly found in houses" into a steam or vapor bath. Sounds great! Very relaxing. Except, of course, that you're trapped in a tiny enclosed space with a "suitable vaporizing apparatus" which is more likely giving you third degree burns than it is any sense of serenity. 8. Combined Plow and Gun, 1862 http://U.S. Patent No. 35,600 / Via weirdworm.com Ok, sure, just one tiny question: why? 7. Creeping Doll, 1871 http://U.S. Patent No. 112,550 / Via thehistoryblog.com Pretty sure this was an episode of The Twilight Zone, and pretty sure it ended in murder. 6. Improved Fire Escape, 1879 http://U.S. Patent 221,855 / Via neatorama.com!tTCMy Ohhh, ok, so not "fire escape" as in the physical structure outside your window. "Fire escape" as in the act of escaping fire via parachute hat and platform elastic shoes? My mistake. 5. Airtight Coffin of Cast or Raised Metal, 1848 http://U.S. Patent No. 5,920 / Via atlasobscura.com Because regular coffins left too much up to the imagination, and what they needed was to be tightly molded to the shape of the deceased, featuring a viewing window over the head, and with a tendency to explode. 4. Jack-o'-lantern Helmet, 1903 http://U.S. Patent No. 737,371 / Via ipwatchdog.com Not sure when the "jack-o'-lantern" shifted from this flammable nightmare hat of racial insensitivity into our modern decorative pumpkin, but it's probably good that it did. 3. Face Mask For Treating The Skin, 1893 http://U.S. Patent No. 495,265 This mask was intended to "remove complexional disorders" which I guess isn't that different from some of the face masks we use today hahahaha JK kill me please. 2. Electrical Body Wear, 1889 http://U.S. Patent No. 396,212 / Via longstreet.typepad.com No getting around the fact that this is straight-up a machine for electrocuting a dude's nighttime boner away. 1. Device For Indicating Life In Buried Persons, 1882 http://U.S. Patent No. 268,693 / Via erikkwakkel.tumblr.com "It will be seen that if the person buried should come to life a motion of his hands will turn the branches of the T-shaped pipe B [...] and the cover E will turn and the index will show on the scale that it has been turned. If the person should turn in the coffin or make a violent motion, he will push the pipe B upward and push the cover off the top of the box. A supply of air enters the coffin through the pipe and will keep him alive till help arrives."Sweet dreams, everybody.