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9 Bizarre Patents That Prove The Past Was A Nightmare

Let's hear it for the modern age.

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9. Bathing Apparatus, 1902

http://U.S. Patent No. 714,659 / Via ipwatchdog.com

Not actually a method of displaying disembodied heads, the Bathing Apparatus turned an "ordinary bath-tub commonly found in houses" into a steam or vapor bath. Sounds great! Very relaxing. Except, of course, that you're trapped in a tiny enclosed space with a "suitable vaporizing apparatus" which is more likely giving you third degree burns than it is any sense of serenity.

6. Improved Fire Escape, 1879

http://U.S. Patent 221,855 / Via neatorama.com!tTCMy

Ohhh, ok, so not "fire escape" as in the physical structure outside your window. "Fire escape" as in the act of escaping fire via parachute hat and platform elastic shoes? My mistake.

5. Airtight Coffin of Cast or Raised Metal, 1848

http://U.S. Patent No. 5,920 / Via atlasobscura.com

Because regular coffins left too much up to the imagination, and what they needed was to be tightly molded to the shape of the deceased, featuring a viewing window over the head, and with a tendency to explode.

4. Jack-o'-lantern Helmet, 1903

http://U.S. Patent No. 737,371 / Via ipwatchdog.com

Not sure when the "jack-o'-lantern" shifted from this flammable nightmare hat of racial insensitivity into our modern decorative pumpkin, but it's probably good that it did.

3. Face Mask For Treating The Skin, 1893

http://U.S. Patent No. 495,265

This mask was intended to "remove complexional disorders" which I guess isn't that different from some of the face masks we use today hahahaha JK kill me please.

1. Device For Indicating Life In Buried Persons, 1882

http://U.S. Patent No. 268,693 / Via erikkwakkel.tumblr.com

"It will be seen that if the person buried should come to life a motion of his hands will turn the branches of the T-shaped pipe B [...] and the cover E will turn and the index will show on the scale that it has been turned. If the person should turn in the coffin or make a violent motion, he will push the pipe B upward and push the cover off the top of the box. A supply of air enters the coffin through the pipe and will keep him alive till help arrives."

Sweet dreams, everybody.

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