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Would You Have Survived The Renaissance?

The Renaissance was a time of really big collars. And peril.

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  1. 1. Do you like knowing about dinosaurs?

    Someone dressed in a suit of armor rides a fake dinosaur at a Renaissance fair.
    Ariane Lange / BuzzFeed

    Someone dressed in a suit of armor rides a fake dinosaur at a Renaissance fair.

    Yes, I like knowing about dinosaurs.
    Dinosaurs mean nothing to me.
    Correct!
    Wrong!

    Dinosaurs were not even a twinkle in science's eye during the Renaissance. In 1677, Robert Plot published his findings on an enormous dinosaur bone. He wrote, “(notwithstanding their extravagant Magnitude) they must have been the bones of Men or Women.” To summarize: He thought that a bone from a dinosaur was a bone from a giant person. A giant person!

  2. 2. Do you appreciate the convenience of paper money?

    An ATM machine at a Renaissance fair.
    Ariane Lange / BuzzFeed

    An ATM machine at a Renaissance fair.

    Yes.
    I would like to go back to precious-metal currency.
    Correct!
    Wrong!

    Europe was largely precious-metals kind of economy. If your money is made of the same stuff your rich people make plates out of, you’re gonna have a circulation problem. If you were a peasant, you would likely be paid "in kind" (e.g. "in bacon fat") rather than money. This is not to mention the evil colonial powers mining for silver and gold outside Europe. ALL KINDS OF PROBLEMATIC, YO.

  3. 3. Do you possess or enjoy swagger?

    Kanye West, wearing a fur coat.
    AP Photo / Zacharie Scheurer, File

    Kanye West, wearing a fur coat.

    Yes.
    I hate swagger in all its forms.
    Correct!
    Wrong!

    Good ol' Willy Shakes invented that word. (Oof, sorry, I don't have swagger, that's why I called him Willy Shakes.)

    Via en.wikipedia.org
  4. 4. Do you like standardized sign language?

    A woman signs to an audience at a Renaissance fair.
    Ariane Lange / BuzzFeed

    A woman signs to an audience at a Renaissance fair.

    Yes.
    Nope, I am a monster.
    Correct!
    Wrong!

    Although deaf people in the Renaissance certainly led productive lives — like Bernardino di Betto Biagi, an artist who painted frescoes in the Sistine Chapel — with widespread illiteracy in Europe, it was especially hard to be hearing-impaired. Although the Renaissance marked a turning point toward wider acceptance of deaf people as part of society, it still wasn't a great time to be deaf. More handicap-accessibility = better world. Yay, sign language interpreters! More, please!

  5. 5. When you empty your bowels, do you enjoy flushing that stuff away?

    A flush toilet. NOTE: This particular toilet was not actually at the Renaissance fair, but similarly flushing toilets connected to sophisticated modern plumbing were.
    Blackcat / Via en.wikipedia.org creativecommons.org

    A flush toilet. NOTE: This particular toilet was not actually at the Renaissance fair, but similarly flushing toilets connected to sophisticated modern plumbing were.

    I do.
    Honestly, I wish I could keep it in my room for a little while.
    Correct!
    Wrong!

    In Europe, flush toilets did not start to become popular until the late 1800s. The Maya civilization had indoor plumbing, aqueducts, and pressurized water systems in 600, but hundreds of years later, Her Royal Highness Elizabeth I (1533-1603), was shitting in a pot with a velvet lid. Disgusting.

  6. 6. When I say "water," you think...

    Water in a plastic bottle at a Renaissance fair.
    Ariane Lange / BuzzFeed

    Water in a plastic bottle at a Renaissance fair.

    I love to drink water!
    Blech, never mention that detestable liquid again.
    Correct!
    Wrong!

    If you enjoy water, you'd be out of luck in the Renaissance, because there was pretty much no safe water back then. Beverage options were beer, wine, or disease-water. Even children drank booze. Children!

  7. 7. "Trash" is...

    Trash can at a Renaissance fair.
    Ariane Lange / BuzzFeed

    Trash can at a Renaissance fair.

    ...something I leave in a trash can to be picked up by garbage collectors.
    ...something I throw in the street.
    Correct!
    Wrong!

    Renaissance England was like one giant garbage pail. English people pretty much threw their garbage in the streets. Some towns employed pigs as garbage collectors, in addition to the human "gong farmers" that used to shovel excrement. #LOLcivilization

  8. 8. Define "road."

    Road, paved.
    Ariane Lange / BuzzFeed

    Road, paved.

    The thing I take when I want to get from one place to another.
    Dirt, at best.
    Correct!
    Wrong!

    HA. Even in the 17th century, a road "was not a clearly delineated strip along which traffic flowed smoothly," historian Fernand Braudel writes, meaning that Europeans could not even easily tell where the road was. Potholes galore. Bumpy as hell. You'd be better off staying home.

  9. 9. Do you like the idea of a leader who imprisons her likely successor for 19 years, then executes her?

    Mary, Queen of Scots, or "Gurl, in danger."
    Public domain / Via commons.wikimedia.org

    Mary, Queen of Scots, or "Gurl, in danger."

    Sounds dramatic!
    No, I am a decent person.
    Correct!
    Wrong!

    Queen Elizabeth I held her likely successor Mary, Queen of Scots, prisoner for 19 years. Then, she had her executed. Also, they were cousins. Monarchy at work.

    Public domain / Via en.wikipedia.org
  10. 10. How do you feel about denim?

    A man clad entirely in denim reclines at a Renaissance fair.
    Ariane Lange / BuzzFeed

    A man clad entirely in denim reclines at a Renaissance fair.

    Don’t even try to get between me and my jeans.
    Show me a pair of jeans, and I will show you myself barfing.
    Correct!
    Wrong!

    Nope, no jeans in the Renaissance. Denim wasn’t patented until 1873. But it gets worse: When you picture Renaissance fashions, you probably see velvets and silks; sadly, only super rich people wore that stuff. Regular folks wore a lot of wool. Just, like, wool on wool on wool.

  11. 11. What is your reaction to internet memes?

    A Renaissance fair attendee dressed in black, his face obscured by a unicorn mask.
    Ariane Lange / BuzzFeed

    A Renaissance fair attendee dressed in black, his face obscured by a unicorn mask.

    I loooove the internet, and every gleeful baby goat GIF on it.
    The internet has never made me smile.
    Correct!
    Wrong!

    If you're here, you obviously like the internet. No internet back then, dogg. No internet.

Would You Have Survived The Renaissance?

You would not have survived the Renaissance!

Look, let's not romanticize some sewage-filled European past.

You would not have survived the Renaissance!
Public domain / Via en.wikipedia.org
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You would have survived the Renaissance!

You are probably also a freak who lives in a cabin in the woods and never talks to anyone. Congratulations, weirdo.

You would have survived the Renaissance!
Via en.wikipedia.org
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