Thumbelina is the romantic story of a girl who is born fully clothed and post-pubescent in a flower.
Born fully clothed with boobs? No, this isn't weird at all.
The woman who watered that flower is very excited and names the girl Thumbelina since she's the size of her thumb.
We're never told the old woman's name, but presumably it is "Cabinetina," since she comes from a culture where you name people after the things they are as tall as.
But before we meet Thumbelina, the bird narrator tells us that this is a love story, like Samson and Delilah or Romeo and Juliet.
This movie's attempts to be heartwarming are horrifying. First of all, Thumbelina hangs out with farm animals. Potentially hungry farm animals.
Because of a strong gust of goat breath, Thumbelina almost drowns.
She's only saved because a cow happened to be paying attention when she fell.
The animals don't learn their lesson and they breathe on her really hard again.
She falls down a black hole onto a nest of eggs. The fall could have killed her.
Then, she almost gets baked into a pie.
Thumbelina could easily be squashed between the pages of a book.
She is obviously a teenager, but her mother Cabinetina makes her sleep in a walnut in a cradle.
She also deprives Thumbelina of pajamas and makes her sleep in the shoes she was born in.
Soon, we meet the fairy prince, whose parents reinforce gender norms.
For the love story meet-cute, the fairy prince breaks into Thumbelina's room, vandalizes her book, and brandishes a weapon at her.
Too good for knocking, eh, prince?
After he introduces himself as Cornelius, Thumbelina figures it's OK to get onto a bumblebee with this guy who, to refresh, just broke into her room and waved a sword at her.
Cornelius flies around, holding wingless little Thumbelina, until he accidentally lets her fall literally as he's saying, "And I'll never let you fall."
Cornelius puts a ring on her left ring finger and asks her if she'll meet his parents. They met less than an hour ago. This doesn't faze her.
Despite the earlier breaking and entering, Thumbelina doesn't bother to close her window at night, and she gets kidnapped by a lady toad.
A lady toad voiced by Charo.
After she wakes up (somehow she manages to sleep even after being kidnapped in a walnut?), her kidnapper forces her to dance.
The male toad, who wants to marry her, is a racist caricature of a lecherous Latin man.
After they tell her she's going to marry a toad, they abandon tiny little Thumbelina on a lily pad. But she can't swim! She's trapped!
Jacquimo, our bird narrator, inserts himself into the story at this point and decides to free Thumbelina from the lily pad by snapping its stem, which sends her drifting toward a waterfall.
A guy called Mr. Beetle comes out of NOWHERE.
The heartbreaking part is that she was so close to her house that she would have been able to see it if she weren't so much shorter than all the grass around her.
He does creepy things, like rub mushrooms and caress Thumbelina's face with his antennae and kiss her arm even though she says, "I wish you wouldn't do that."
Then, he kidnaps her, because that's what everyone seems to do!
The creepy beetle makes her dress up like a bug and dance in this bug club full of scary bugs.
Because of her fast-acting Stockholm syndrome, Thumbelina seems pretty happy about it. Mr. Beetle, who's voiced by Gilbert Gottfried, sings, "You're beautiful, baby!" She's (we think) 16!
Then, he spanks her with his cane onstage!
But Thumbelina is more upset about being called ugly by bugs than she is about the other public humiliations.
After the beetles cast her out, Jacquimo finds her alone, crying. "I'm cold, I'm lost, and I'm hungry. And the beetle says I'm ugly."
Thumbelina snuggles up with the swallow, because she can tell he's the only male animal who doesn't want to sleep with her.
While he's frantically searching for Thumbelina, Prince Cornelius falls into some water and it freezes over him.
Winter is in full force, and Thumbelina seeks refuge in an old shoe, hiding under a sock. And, because of its proximity to the shoe, we can assume it is a used sock.
Then, for the second time in this movie, Thumbelina wakes up not knowing where she is.
Even though Thumbelina just found out her boyfriend was found frozen, the field mouse gives her attitude when Thumbelina doesn't want to socialize.
Ms. Field Mouse takes Thumbelina to see Mr. Mole, who makes her sing and shit-talks sunlight.
Thumbelina knows bugs as her friends, but Mr. Mole keeps their dead bodies pinned to his wall.
Because he's a creep, Mr. Mole takes his guests on a field trip to see the bird corpse in his tunnel. It turns out to be Jacquimo!
Romeo and Juliet comes up again in a terrifying song by Ms. Field Mouse.
Soon enough, they force Thumbelina to wear a hideous wedding dress.
As she walks down the aisle, she announces that she doesn't want to marry the mole after all, and she flees across a treacherously narrow walkway over a treacherously cavernous hole. Then, everyone in the church chases her.
Prince Cornelius sees all this, but instead of picking up Thumbelina and flying away, he decides to fight the toad, who grimaces terribly.
Jacquimo, who is magically healed, finally realizes that he should fly Thumbelina somewhere, so he brings her to the fairy headquarters, where Cornelius shows up. Of course, they get engaged.
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