back to top
TVAndMovies

Christian Grey Would Probably Seem Insane If He Were A Female Character

Obsessive bitches be crazy.

Posted on

In Fifty Shades of Grey, Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) is relentlessly pursued by a significantly older, significantly richer man named Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). He buys her lavish presents, shows up uninvited at her workplace, at a bar, and at an outing with her mom; at one point, he breaks into her apartment to see her. This is all meant to be very romantic, and, truth be told, it does seem romantic in the movie. He's obsessed with her!

But how does romantic obsession play out when the female character is the relentless pursuer? Generally, the stalking seems creepy (although not in The Little Mermaid!) and straight-up dangerous. Although obsessive men are more threatening in reality, it's obsessive women who are more threatening on-screen. Or, at least, always portrayed as some degree of nutso.

Here are nine of those nuts:

Advertisement

1. Norma Desmond, Sunset Boulevard (1950)

Paramount Pictures

At first, Joe (William Holden) doesn't realize the significantly older and significantly richer woman, Norma (Gloria Swanson), who's been buying him lavish presents and paying his expenses has romantic feelings for him. That is, until he goes to her New Year's Eve party and the two of them are the only people there. At that point, he has what he deems "that sad, embarrassing revelation." As they dance, Norma says, "There are no other guests. We don't want to share this night with other people. This is for you and me." She is deeply creepy. Joe rebuffs her, and then she tries to kill herself. When he tries to leave her again some months later, Norma murders him.

This bitch is: Crazy.

2. Mrs. Robinson, The Graduate (1967)

The older, more established Mrs. Robinson (Anne Bancroft) seduces Benjamin (Dustin Hoffman), the recent college graduate. Though he calls her the most attractive of his parents' friends, he initially rejects her. Eventually, the seduction attempt works, but it makes Mrs. Robinson's life seem very sad.

This bitch is: Pitiful.

3. Evelyn Draper, Play Misty for Me (1971)

Universal Pictures

After listening to Dave (Clint Eastwood) on the radio, Evelyn (Jessica Walter) tracks him down at a bar he likes. She tells him she's not looking for a serious relationship, but they should still have sex. Later, Evelyn shows up at Dave's home uninvited and cooks him steak, again saying there are "no strings"; she shows up in his car, and then again at his house, uninvited. Dave says he is "completely smothered" by her. She emotionally blackmails him into eating corned beef at her house and gives him a pair of shoes, and then, when he tries to break it off with her, she says, "Are you trying to say you don't love me anymore?" She gets extremely angry and seems really pathetic, and then she breaks into his house, stabs his housekeeper, and later attempts to murder both him and his girlfriend. It's frightening.

This bitch is: Crazy and stabby.

4. Alex Forrest, Fatal Attraction (1987)

Paramount Pictures

A successful associate editor (Glenn Close) at a publishing company meets a married lawyer (Michael Douglas) through work. She tells him she's "discreet," and then they go back to her apartment. Based on the fact that she starts to climax as soon as he puts his dick in her, apparently with no lead-up, we can reasonably assume that she fakes an orgasm. (Exhibit B: The next day, she says, "You thought you would have a good time. You didn't stop for a second to think about me." I breast my case.) Despite his likely ineptitude in the boudoir, she gets very, very upset when he asserts that their sex hangout was nothing more than a two-night stand, and when he goes to leave her apartment, she slits her wrists. Then she starts stalking him. Later, she tries to murder him and his family.

This bitch is: Crazy and bloodthirsty!

5. Sarah, Love Actually (2003)

Sarah (Laura Linney) has a MAJOR crush on her co-worker Karl (Rodrigo Santoro). She freaks out with happiness when he comes over to her apartment for the first time. It's worth noting, however, that Love Actually has another lopsided love affair: Mark (Andrew Lincoln) is madly in love with his best friend's wife, Juliet (Keira Knightley). When he shows up at her front door and, unbeknownst to her husband, declares his love for her in a series of handwritten signs, it's depicted as the emotional high point of the movie: incredibly romantic and bold. When Sarah finally gets Karl in her apartment, it's cute how excited she is, and then pathetic that she leaves him unbanged to attend to her ill brother.

This bitch is: Cute, but pathetic and needy.

Advertisement

6. Gloria Cleary, Wedding Crashers (2005)

Gloria (Isla Fisher) has sex with Jeremy (Vince Vaughn) during a wedding and quickly becomes obsessed with him. Later, she is physically violent toward him and ties him to a bed, duct tapes his mouth shut, and forces him to have sex with her; Jeremy refers to it as a "rape."

This bitch is: Psychotic.

7. Mary Horowitz, All About Steve (2009)

Mary Horowitz (Sandra Bullock) is an awkward woman who falls deeply in love with Steve Miller (Bradley Cooper) after one blind date. She stalks him around the country and seems harmlessly deranged for the entire film. Steve never falls for her.

This bitch is: Nuts, but in a funny way! But still nuts.

8. Lisa, Obsessed (2009)

Suzanne Tenner / Screen Gems

An office temp (Ali Larter) falls for married banker Derek Charles (Idris Elba), and throws herself at him many times. She stalks him and breaks into his hotel room. After repeatedly being rejected by him, she tries to kill herself. She seems deeply unbalanced.

This bitch is: Terrifying!

9. Anna, Frozen (2013)

Disney / Via elizabeth-loves.com

When Princess Anna (Kristen Bell) falls instantly in love with Prince Hans (Santino Fontana), her years of depressing isolation are written all over her innocent face.

This bitch is: Desperate!

So, what have we learned? Women who relentlessly pursue are definitely pathetic, probably crazy, maybe murderous. Men who relentlessly pursue are definitely romantic, probably in love, and maybe want to get married.

(To be perfectly clear: No one should relentlessly pursue anyone, and if you're being stalked, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.)

Promoted

Every. Tasty. Video. EVER. The new Tasty app is here!

Dismiss