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16 Times 2015 Proved We Shouldn’t Trust Men To Make Movies

I’m not saying they're incompetent, I’m just saying they don’t have a very good track record.

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If you watched movies this year, you know there were some horrendous ones. I don't want to be reverse sexist, so I'm not saying all of the horrendous movies were directed by men, but since almost all of the movies were directed by men, almost all the bad movies were directed by men, too.

Coincidence? I think not.

The evidence suggests that men simply lack the artistic and leadership qualities necessary to be successful directors. It's just facts.

All this white male tokenism is leading to worse movies, and here is the proof:

1. Ken Scott, Unfinished Business

Released: March 6Reported budget: $35 millionWorldwide gross: $14 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: No one really wants to see a movie about three men and their anxieties, but of course a man is too self-involved to realize that.
Jessica Miglio / 20th Century Fox

Released: March 6

Reported budget: $35 million

Worldwide gross: $14 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: No one really wants to see a movie about three men and their anxieties, but of course a man is too self-involved to realize that.

2. Joe Wright, Pan

Released: Oct. 9Reported budget: $150 millionWorldwide gross: $126 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: You have to give Joe Wright credit for being able to think, A movie about Peter Pan bombed in 2003, but I can do it better. Men!
Warner Bros. Entertainment

Released: Oct. 9

Reported budget: $150 million

Worldwide gross: $126 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: You have to give Joe Wright credit for being able to think, A movie about Peter Pan bombed in 2003, but I can do it better. Men!

3. Danny Boyle, Steve Jobs

Released: Oct. 9Reported budget: $30 millionWorldwide gross: $25 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: Men love to yap-yap-yap, and a male director didn't have the self-awareness to say, "Hey, maybe this movie shouldn't have so much yapping."
Universal Pictures

Released: Oct. 9

Reported budget: $30 million

Worldwide gross: $25 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: Men love to yap-yap-yap, and a male director didn't have the self-awareness to say, "Hey, maybe this movie shouldn't have so much yapping."

4. Roland Emmerich, Stonewall

Released: Sept. 25Reported budget: N/ADomestic gross: $188,000Why a man couldn't handle it: White men love being the center of attention, even if that means sidelining or completely ignoring other types of people. In this movie based on real events, Emmerich and co. decided to invent a handsome white man who looked like them instead of showcasing the cis and trans women who were really there — Emmerich said it was to make the movie more "personal."
Philippe Bosse / Roadside Attractions

Released: Sept. 25

Reported budget: N/A

Domestic gross: $188,000

Why a man couldn't handle it: White men love being the center of attention, even if that means sidelining or completely ignoring other types of people. In this movie based on real events, Emmerich and co. decided to invent a handsome white man who looked like them instead of showcasing the cis and trans women who were really there — Emmerich said it was to make the movie more "personal."

5. John Erick Dowdle, No Escape

Released: Aug. 26Reported budget: N/AWorldwide gross: $54 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: Another niche story about an ethnic family stealing jobs from hardworking citizens and then crying about it. Yikes!
Roland Neveu / The Weinstein Company

Released: Aug. 26

Reported budget: N/A

Worldwide gross: $54 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: Another niche story about an ethnic family stealing jobs from hardworking citizens and then crying about it. Yikes!

6. Josh Trank, Fantastic Four

Released: Aug. 7Reported budget: $120 millionWorldwide gross: $168 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: Trank blamed the studio for messing up his movie, which seems like a sign that he was bad at standing up for himself, as so many men are. Poor men :(
Marvel / 20th Century Fox

Released: Aug. 7

Reported budget: $120 million

Worldwide gross: $168 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: Trank blamed the studio for messing up his movie, which seems like a sign that he was bad at standing up for himself, as so many men are. Poor men :(

7. Cameron Crowe, Aloha

Released: May 29Reported budget: $37 millionWorldwide gross: $26 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: Powerful men are well known for being ice kings. Would you hire an ice king to direct a rom-com? No, you would not.
Neal Preston / Columbia Pictures

Released: May 29

Reported budget: $37 million

Worldwide gross: $26 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: Powerful men are well known for being ice kings. Would you hire an ice king to direct a rom-com? No, you would not.

8. Doug Ellin, Entourage

Released: June 3Reported budget: $30 millionWorldwide gross: $49 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: It takes a deft touch to direct a dick flick that people will actually want to see, and Ellin obviously doesn't have it.
Claudette Barius / Warner Bros.

Released: June 3

Reported budget: $30 million

Worldwide gross: $49 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: It takes a deft touch to direct a dick flick that people will actually want to see, and Ellin obviously doesn't have it.

9. Brad Bird, Tomorrowland

Released: May 22Reported budget: $190 millionWorldwide gross: $209 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: Tomorrowland was essentially a really long and ultimately scold-y lecture. Men love to scold!
Walt Disney Studios

Released: May 22

Reported budget: $190 million

Worldwide gross: $209 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: Tomorrowland was essentially a really long and ultimately scold-y lecture. Men love to scold!

10. Michael Mann, Blackhat

Released: Jan. 16Reported budget: $70 millionWorldwide gross: $20 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: How do you take a cybercrime action thriller and turn it into a lump? Let a man direct it. As everyone knows, they are more invested in making things pretty than in making things interesting.
Universal Pictures

Released: Jan. 16

Reported budget: $70 million

Worldwide gross: $20 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: How do you take a cybercrime action thriller and turn it into a lump? Let a man direct it. As everyone knows, they are more invested in making things pretty than in making things interesting.

11. David Koepp, Mortdecai

Released: Jan. 23Reported budget: $60 millionWorldwide gross: $47 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: This is a comedy, and as everyone knows, men usually aren't very funny.
David Appleby / Lionsgate

Released: Jan. 23

Reported budget: $60 million

Worldwide gross: $47 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: This is a comedy, and as everyone knows, men usually aren't very funny.

12. Scott Cooper, Black Mass

Released: Sept. 18Reported budget: $53 millionWorldwide gross: $95 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: This is a movie about bloodshed, and men don't understand bloodshed.
Warner Bros.

Released: Sept. 18

Reported budget: $53 million

Worldwide gross: $95 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: This is a movie about bloodshed, and men don't understand bloodshed.

13. Eli Roth, The Green Inferno

Released: Sept. 25Reported budget: $5 millionDomestic gross: $7 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: This is a horror film, and men can't do horror.
Universal Pictures

Released: Sept. 25

Reported budget: $5 million

Domestic gross: $7 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: This is a horror film, and men can't do horror.

14. Robert Zemeckis, The Walk

Released: Sept. 30Reported budget: $35 millionWorldwide gross: $43 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: Hand a story about an ultimately insignificant navel-gazer to another ultimately insignificant navel-gazer, and what you end up with is a beautifully arrayed clump of belly button lint.
Sony Pictures

Released: Sept. 30

Reported budget: $35 million

Worldwide gross: $43 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: Hand a story about an ultimately insignificant navel-gazer to another ultimately insignificant navel-gazer, and what you end up with is a beautifully arrayed clump of belly button lint.

15. Steve Pink, Hot Tub Time Machine 2

Released: Feb. 20Reported budget: $14 millionWorldwide gross: $13 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: The first Hot Tub Time Machine was successful, and so men, always eager to keep talking about the same idea even though audiences have totally tuned out, decided to make this sequel.
Paramount Pictures / MGM

Released: Feb. 20

Reported budget: $14 million

Worldwide gross: $13 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: The first Hot Tub Time Machine was successful, and so men, always eager to keep talking about the same idea even though audiences have totally tuned out, decided to make this sequel.

16. Guy Ritchie, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

Released: Aug. 14Reported budget: $75 millionWorldwide gross: $109 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: Ritchie is probably still reeling from his divorce from Madonna. Poor men — they're so sensitive.
Daniel Smith / Warner Bros.

Released: Aug. 14

Reported budget: $75 million

Worldwide gross: $109 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: Ritchie is probably still reeling from his divorce from Madonna. Poor men — they're so sensitive.

Honorable mention: Woody Allen, Irrational Man

Released: July 17Reported budget: According to Bloomberg, likely in the $15 to $25 million range.Worldwide gross: $4 millionWhy a man couldn't handle it: At a certain point, a man has to give up his career and focus on crochet projects and adopting more cats: We all have a shelf life. And yet, facing allegations of both incestuous child molestation and auteurism, Allen continues to churn out one movie a year with the regularity of an old man who eats plenty of fiber and limits his alcohol content to one small glass of scotch per day.
Sabrina Lantos / W.A.S.P

Released: July 17

Reported budget: According to Bloomberg, likely in the $15 to $25 million range.

Worldwide gross: $4 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: At a certain point, a man has to give up his career and focus on crochet projects and adopting more cats: We all have a shelf life. And yet, facing allegations of both incestuous child molestation and auteurism, Allen continues to churn out one movie a year with the regularity of an old man who eats plenty of fiber and limits his alcohol content to one small glass of scotch per day.

CORRECTION

Stonewall brought in $188,000 at the global box office this year, not $188 million as this post originally stated. We apologize for the error, but will Roland Emmerich ever apologize for his?!

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