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16 Times 2015 Proved We Shouldn’t Trust Men To Make Movies

I’m not saying they're incompetent, I’m just saying they don’t have a very good track record.

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If you watched movies this year, you know there were some horrendous ones. I don't want to be reverse sexist, so I'm not saying all of the horrendous movies were directed by men, but since almost all of the movies were directed by men, almost all the bad movies were directed by men, too.

Coincidence? I think not.

The evidence suggests that men simply lack the artistic and leadership qualities necessary to be successful directors. It's just facts.

All this white male tokenism is leading to worse movies, and here is the proof:

1. Ken Scott, Unfinished Business

Jessica Miglio / 20th Century Fox

Released: March 6

Reported budget: $35 million

Worldwide gross: $14 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: No one really wants to see a movie about three men and their anxieties, but of course a man is too self-involved to realize that.

2. Joe Wright, Pan

Warner Bros. Entertainment

Released: Oct. 9

Reported budget: $150 million

Worldwide gross: $126 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: You have to give Joe Wright credit for being able to think, A movie about Peter Pan bombed in 2003, but I can do it better. Men!

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3. Danny Boyle, Steve Jobs

Universal Pictures

Released: Oct. 9

Reported budget: $30 million

Worldwide gross: $25 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: Men love to yap-yap-yap, and a male director didn't have the self-awareness to say, "Hey, maybe this movie shouldn't have so much yapping."

4. Roland Emmerich, Stonewall

Philippe Bosse / Roadside Attractions

Released: Sept. 25

Reported budget: N/A

Domestic gross: $188,000

Why a man couldn't handle it: White men love being the center of attention, even if that means sidelining or completely ignoring other types of people. In this movie based on real events, Emmerich and co. decided to invent a handsome white man who looked like them instead of showcasing the cis and trans women who were really there — Emmerich said it was to make the movie more "personal."

5. John Erick Dowdle, No Escape

Roland Neveu / The Weinstein Company

Released: Aug. 26

Reported budget: N/A

Worldwide gross: $54 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: Another niche story about an ethnic family stealing jobs from hardworking citizens and then crying about it. Yikes!

6. Josh Trank, Fantastic Four

Marvel / 20th Century Fox

Released: Aug. 7

Reported budget: $120 million

Worldwide gross: $168 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: Trank blamed the studio for messing up his movie, which seems like a sign that he was bad at standing up for himself, as so many men are. Poor men :(

7. Cameron Crowe, Aloha

Neal Preston / Columbia Pictures

Released: May 29

Reported budget: $37 million

Worldwide gross: $26 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: Powerful men are well known for being ice kings. Would you hire an ice king to direct a rom-com? No, you would not.

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8. Doug Ellin, Entourage

Claudette Barius / Warner Bros.

Released: June 3

Reported budget: $30 million

Worldwide gross: $49 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: It takes a deft touch to direct a dick flick that people will actually want to see, and Ellin obviously doesn't have it.

9. Brad Bird, Tomorrowland

Walt Disney Studios

Released: May 22

Reported budget: $190 million

Worldwide gross: $209 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: Tomorrowland was essentially a really long and ultimately scold-y lecture. Men love to scold!

10. Michael Mann, Blackhat

Universal Pictures

Released: Jan. 16

Reported budget: $70 million

Worldwide gross: $20 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: How do you take a cybercrime action thriller and turn it into a lump? Let a man direct it. As everyone knows, they are more invested in making things pretty than in making things interesting.

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14. Robert Zemeckis, The Walk

Sony Pictures

Released: Sept. 30

Reported budget: $35 million

Worldwide gross: $43 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: Hand a story about an ultimately insignificant navel-gazer to another ultimately insignificant navel-gazer, and what you end up with is a beautifully arrayed clump of belly button lint.

15. Steve Pink, Hot Tub Time Machine 2

Paramount Pictures / MGM

Released: Feb. 20

Reported budget: $14 million

Worldwide gross: $13 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: The first Hot Tub Time Machine was successful, and so men, always eager to keep talking about the same idea even though audiences have totally tuned out, decided to make this sequel.

16. Guy Ritchie, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

Daniel Smith / Warner Bros.

Released: Aug. 14

Reported budget: $75 million

Worldwide gross: $109 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: Ritchie is probably still reeling from his divorce from Madonna. Poor men — they're so sensitive.

Honorable mention: Woody Allen, Irrational Man

Sabrina Lantos / W.A.S.P

Released: July 17

Reported budget: According to Bloomberg, likely in the $15 to $25 million range.

Worldwide gross: $4 million

Why a man couldn't handle it: At a certain point, a man has to give up his career and focus on crochet projects and adopting more cats: We all have a shelf life. And yet, facing allegations of both incestuous child molestation and auteurism, Allen continues to churn out one movie a year with the regularity of an old man who eats plenty of fiber and limits his alcohol content to one small glass of scotch per day.

CORRECTION

Stonewall brought in $188,000 at the global box office this year, not $188 million as this post originally stated. We apologize for the error, but will Roland Emmerich ever apologize for his?!

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