You may remember Balto as a heartwarming cartoon about a heroic wolf-dog. In reality, it is the story of how one dog saved many children from death because he wanted to bone a lady dog.
Balto, our hero, son of a dog and a wolf, is motivated by three things in life:
1. The desire to race with the sled dogs.
2. Shame at the wolf parentage that prevents him from racing with the sled dogs.
3. The desire to make sweet, sweet love to Jenna, the prettiest dog in town.
In order to prove himself a worthy sled dog, overcome his shame at his wolf side, and make sweet, sweet love to Jenna, the prettiest dog in town, Balto has to lead a team of sled dogs carrying a serum across the frozen wilderness to save Jenna's beloved human friend, Rosy, from diphtheria. In other words, Balto's heroics are motivated by various forms of desire from the start. Motivation-wise, this is probably the most realistic children's movie ever. It is also completely inappropriate.
Let's take a look at everything that makes this movie a little more G-spot than G:
At the beginning of the movie, Balto figures out that the way to Jenna's heart is through a little girl named Rosy, so he risks serious injury to retrieve the girl's hat.
Gauging by the expression on Jenna's face, Balto would've had it in the bag right then if it weren't for diphtheria, which will force him to do other crazy things "just to show off to a pretty girl."
Balto's not the only horndog in this movie.
Eight minutes in, Jenna, prettiest dog in town, is innocently strolling with her friends when a lusty dog tries to literally jump their bones.
Steele, Balto's purebred enemy, runs by these three lady dogs, who swoon and make puppy-dog eyes.
Steele makes a sexual predator face at Jenna, who is clearly uncomfortable.
Jenna walks off, but Dixie, desperate to get Steele's attention, rubs her body on his.
He rejects her advances and steps away. Having rubbed her head against his genitals, she collapses in a quivering heap.
Dixie follows in the grand tradition of the animated lady-dog seductress. See also: Peg from Lady and the Tramp.
Steele tries to seduce Jenna by offering her sausages, but she declines.
But really, the lusty one is Balto. Balto gets so excited to see Jenna that he loses his footing and plows right into her nose with his nose.
Balto, in an attempt to woo his love, takes her into a frightening tunnel. Just when she starts to think he's crazy for bringing her here, he then turns on the mood lighting.
She is duly impressed. It's a pretty smooth move.
She, looking at the lights, says, "Balto, you're right. It's beautiful." He, in perfect form, looks at her face and says, "Yeah. Beautiful."
But Rosy, it turns out, is very sick.
Because Steele totally sabotages him, Balto doesn't make the dogsled team that will head out into the snow to retrieve the serum. Crushed, he watches Steele lead the others away from town.
Steele's arrogance hobbles his ability to lead, and he ends up getting the team and the serum lost in a blizzard!
Back in Nome, Balto watches his lady love through the window. He decides to find Steele and get that medicine.
While Balto is looking for Steele, he gets attacked by a bear! But Jenna shows up and saves him! She, presumably, is motivated by the desire to see Rosy get better.
More chaos ensues with the bear, who is beyond stupid and ends up drowning. Luckily, Balto is pulled out of the icy water by his polar bear friends.
Since he's all wet, Jenna lies on top of him. He instantly warms up.
Jenna goes home to Nome, but Balto soldiers on. Possibly because his mind is addled by hormones, Balto is convinced that Steele & co. will be stoked to see him.
Steele is not happy to see Balto, and they get in a fight and Steele falls off a cliff (but is unharmed somehow).
Balto, having won the team's loyalty, takes up the mantle of leadership in the name of "saving the children."
Steele makes it to Nome alone and claims his team has died. Jenna doesn't believe it, and uses Balto's mood-lighting trick as a beacon. Has she figured out what Balto thinks is going to happen when he gets back?
Of course Balto does make it back to Nome, and he's a little anxious about what'll happen, but he gets a hero's welcome from the humans.
Now a hero, Balto meets Jenna on the porch. Following a tender nuzzle, she pulls back and gives him what can only be described as bedroom eyes.
If you think this is reading too much into it, please see Balto's "getting some tail" smile.
Balto looks a little miffed when he notices the crowd of people watching them.
If you're in Ohio and you want to see the real Balto looking stiff, his body is on display at the Cleveland Museum of Natural History.