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December 7, 2017

This Thing

This thing. Determined, kind hearted, free spirited, lovely A handful of adjectives used to de-scribe me 37 turns around the sun - most blessed with health Travelling, loving, running, working, acquiring wealth But you see, there’s this thing... This thing that’s been growing inside me since god only knows Has consumed me, from the top of my head to my toes It’s stolen all of my good and transformed it to ugly Made me question my body, my will to live, my sanity Aching and moaning on floors like I’m 90 So much work missed - filed for disability But the middle, oh the middle, The worst place always A devil dances there, flipping me, turning me sideways This thing. My appetite for life - well I’ve always been ravenous (Luckily, risky “experiments” failed to turn into habits) Powders and capsules and mind bending potions Brought enlightenment - I swallowed them all, like an ocean But this thing...it was brewing Still, I leapt from helicopters, ran miles in countless countries Nose candy, mushrooms, and dancing with Molly My career was exploding, I married, wrote music Blissful, cautious ignorance pushed away the impending sick The sick from this thing. Soon, marathons caused my weakening joints to buckle Fingers on piano keys felt heavy, raking muck, oh god My once go-to therapy was making me suffer And the middle, oh my middle, how to explain I have yet to find words to show outsiders pain This. fucking thing. It leaves loud mouths speechless Gut wrenching, heart tugging, life changing, vicious Evil, shape shifting, infertile, puke, bag of dicks Nameless, insidious, sneaky, chaotic Body ruining, rage-inducing, bloody, psychotic No simple test exists yet to help diagnose it They must drug us til we’re sleeping and then cut us open And that’s only if you have money and doctors Who see you, believe that you’re not fucking bonkers Because, you see - this THING is mysterious. It’s widespread / systemic It impacts too many, a mute epidemic Your mothers, your daughters, your wives and your friends Co-workers, cousins, we can not pretend Anymore that it’s not real. It isn’t hysteria This THING knows no boundaries, it is everywhere Ahh..“It’s endo,” I heard as I stirred from my slumber The surgeon removed THE THING while I was under Adhesions and scarring on bladder and bowels IT had infiltrated organs, at first I thought, WOW The thing had a name Endometriosis. Tangible, not psychosis I felt validated, cause now people know this SEE, I wasn’t faking. It is real. I can prove it! They saw it inside me, so now they can soothe it. Right?

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