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22 Habits All Americans Lose When They Move To Scotland

Our hearts may be full but our stomachs are empty.

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1. Feeling warm, like, ever.

BigMikefaeptk / Via Instagram.com

Scotland has two basic seasons: 11.5 months of the year are dark, wet, windy, and cold, but then you get a few scattered days of taps aff weather. Scotland is marvellous, but it's also a land where the puddles on the street never dry. We need the D – sweet, sweet vitamin D.

2. Eating way too much.

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Now come on, Scotland, does this look like a big portion of food to you? This would barely count as a kid's portion in America. Plus what's with the prices? It's about £7 for a wee plastic box of chips. Are they delicious? Sure. But in the USA you could buy a meal this size using change you find down the back of your sofa.

3. Having millions of fast food options.

A&M Records / Giphy

In Scotland you’ve only got a handful of choices: The chippy, McD's, Burger King, or KFC. America has a thousand ways to clog your arteries. Taco Bell, White Castle, Checkers, and Bojangles: oh how we miss you.

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4. Believing all Scotsmen are sexy, kilted knights in shining armour.

We thought we'd spend our time in Scotland being felt up by shirtless hunks while lying on a soggy moor. Is that too much to ask? We can't help but feel a bit misled.

5. Thanksgiving.

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Stuffing your face with holiday classics while arguing about politics with family members that you'll have to see again in just over a month: you really can't beat it.

6. Experimental snack options.

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Americans are the guinea pigs for a lot of big brands when it comes to trying out new, unorthodox flavours like banana split, Swedish fish, or key lime pie Oreos. Scots simply stick with their classics. You're never going to see Pumpkin Spice Tunnocks Tea Cakes...probably.

7. Amazing theme parks.

_Greiganderson / Via Instagram: @_greiganderson

Forget Disney and its princesses, sunshine, and twirling teacups. Scotland has M&Ds instead, a park whose theme seems to be safety hazards and sadness.

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9. Not punishing your liver at weekends.

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In the US we often just hang out and get coffee, or drive to see our friends. Here, most nights out seem to revolve round a pub, and you’re seen as a bit of a party-pooper if you don’t have a drink. We love whisky and beer, but don’t get mad if we just have a coke. We’re not as badass as you guys

10. Feeling like we speak the language.

Twitter: @fairlyoddgraeme

Lord knows we try, but if we lose the thread we're lost, and end up asking someone to repeat what they said for the third time (to their justifiable annoyance). Be patient with us, we jist dinny ken whit yer on aboot half the time.

11. And being able to spell.

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This goes beyond the usual color/colour debate; we also have to contend with Gaelic spellings as well. No one likes being corrected when you were always top of your class in elementary school. Machair, ceilidh, quaich...we canny keep up.

12. Drive-thru everything.

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Scotland does have some fast food drive-thrus, but Americans can practically live in their car. You can stop by the ATM, coffee shop, pharmacy, grocery store, liquor store, and gun store without ever exposing the world to your ridiculous pyjama pants and unbrushed hair. You guys would love it. Drive thru Scotmid, anyone?

13. Songs you actually know how to dance to.

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Ceilidhs are beautiful, but they're difficult for someone used to songs with instructions in the lyrics like “Crank That” by Soulja Boy, or the Macarena. Yes you have callers, but we can't necessarily understand them. In short, we're sorry we spent an hour stamping on your feet and still don't know how to "strip a willow".

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14. Parking spaces...

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In America, even a small grocery store will have about an acre of parking space. In Scotland, you end up driving up and down winding streets for hours before finding a spot you can use for 20 minutes, then end up being clamped. Oh how we miss the huge, ugly, dirty concrete parking structures back home.

15. ...and automatic cars.

Memecenter.com

Stick shifts are confusing and make nerve-wracking sounds. Why complicate what could be so simple, especially in a country of single track lanes and dangerous, twisting, and precarious mountain passes. Are you trying to kill us all?

16. Ridiculous roadside attractions.

instagram.com / Via Roadsideamerica.com

Scotland, your centuries-old castles are impressive, but they're not as epic as our attractions. Where are your gargantuan balls of yarn, or looming fibreglass T-Rexes? Tsk.

17. Everything being open 24 hours a day.

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Scotland, your service stations are OK, but nothing compares to the sweet sight of a brightly lit diner at 3am on long road trips. Your need for unlimited coffee refills at three in the morning never has to go unsatisfied in the U.S. of A.

18. Warm water.

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You can choose to either burn yourself until you resemble Freddie Kreuger, or lose all sensation in your fingers before you go outside to face the biting weather. Scotland, get your act (and your water pipes) together.

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19. National parks and crazy wildlife.

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Walking the West Highland Way is nice, but there's no sense of danger. You guys should ship in some crocodiles, wolves, bobcats, and bears to motivate hikers. More seriously, we do miss seeing our awesome, unique wildlife in the wild. Who knew we'd end up missing racoons going through our trash?

20. Over-the-top, sugary drinks and desserts.

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We just love sugar, and it's cheaper cousin, corn syrup. Sure it’s rotting our teeth and killing whole swathes of Americans, but the taste is out of this world. Scotland, you don’t know what you’re missing out on if you haven’t had a glass of southern sweet tea and a whoopie pie. Hell, we sometimes deep-fry them as well.

21. The Fourth of July.

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Here, it's just another rainy "summer's" day. At home, it's all about explosives, booze, barbeques, and unbridled patriotism. Put these all together and you've got our national holiday and probably a trip to the emergency room as well. 'Murica!

22. But we love Scotland way too much to leave.

Channel 4 Films / BuzzFeed

Sure, we do miss America, but Scotland is the most welcoming place on Earth. It’s a weird little country that makes you feel at home, plus any place that can create a man like Ewan McGregor deserves widespread praise. Thank you for taking us in and for giving the world so much. Scotland, you are the Obi-Wan for me.

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