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24 Ways To Read When Throwing Shade Isn't Enough

Before there was shade there was reading. Class in session. Take notes!

Posted on November 04, 2013, 17:20 GMT

Antwaun Sargent

BuzzFeed Fellow

1. Reading is the tried and true tradition that came before shade.

2. One resorts to READING when subtle shade is just not enough.

3. It is courteous to announce the reading.

4. There is a theatricality to reading. It is a dramatic art. BRING THE DRAMATICS.

5. Much like reading a book, you read with FLUENCY to exhibit proficiency.

6. The opening line is fundamental. It must shock and awe the readee into silence.

7. Look them in the eyes and ENUNCIATE.EVERY.WORD.

8. Be sure to point one finger directly at the readee.

9. But as you read, the finger must move in a wave-like motion.

10. Snap throughout the reading.

11. In between sentences, be sure to include a squint.

12. Having spectators present will only ENHANCE the read.

13. Get some water, clear the throat, because you are delivering a SOLILOQUY.

14. TELL THE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.

15. NOTE: Reading is always a response to ratchetness.

Ratchetness is obnoxious behavior that shocks and awes.

16. Lead with the shade, and if that doesn't work, rebuttal with a REAAADDDD.

17. Your voice should build to a FEVER PITCH.

18. ACT like you're READING FROM THE GOOD BOOK.

19. Get close. LEAN ALL THE WAY IN.

20. USE THE COUNTDOWN.

The countdown is a method used to turn a read into a list. Before every point you say a number. Example: 5. I am very rich! 4. All my shit is expensive. 3. I'm cashing TRUMP CHECKS! 2. You don't want it. 1. What? I was just telling the truth.

21. Remember: You are READING FOR BLOOOOOOOOD.

22. Subtweet ≠ READING.

23. OWN THE READ with an ending like:

24. And then SASHAY AWAY.

And before a good read play this:

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