Skip To Content
    May 18, 2017

    17 Things You Can't Get Away With When You Have A Big Penis

    Oh, you thought it was all fun and games?

    1. You can't take take a crap peacefully because no toilet is deep enough to accommodate your length.

    pmslweb.com

    If it's not touching the bowl, it's touching the water. Public toilets? I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

    2. And you can't just unzip your fly to pee — it's a full unpantsing process.

    Summit Entertainment / Via twilightsaga.wikia.com

    Unbuckle the belt, unbutton the pants, pull down.

    3. You can't wear comfy pants, khakis, sweatpants, or shorts without a monstrous bulge screaming for freedom.

    youtube.com

    "Why must you suffocate me, heathen?!"

    4. And you can't wear tight pants without having to constantly, and awkwardly, adjust your junk.

    ITV / Via youtube.com

    Big things just aren't meant for small spaces.

    5. Hence, you really can't wear any pants without ending up the focus of wandering eyes.

    TriStar Pictures / Via theodysseyonline.com

    Yes, that is my penis. Thank you for watching.

    6. You can't ever EVER get a boner in public and think no one will notice.

    CBS / Via reactiongifs.com

    They'll notice, alright. They always do. 👀

    7. You can't sleep on your stomach without morning wood uncomfortably waking you up from your slumber.

    Showtime / Via pinterest.com

    Or, if you're a back sleeper, maybe it's the full-sized blanket tent your penis just erected.

    8. You can't wear just any underwear. That precious package you're carrying has special needs.

    Warner Bros. / Via giphy.com

    Boxers are too loose, briefs are too tight (not to mention they can stretch into uselessness), and the waist-to-crotch ratio has to be just right. Compression shorts and pouch underwear are usually the way to go.

    9. You can't complete a set of push-ups without beating the floor with your schlong on the way down.

    Netflix / Via giphy.com

    I guess it really is like a third leg, huh?

    10. And you can't go running without the very real risk of your junk escaping the confines of your shorts.

    @Brett_Matthews_ / Via Twitter: @Brett_Matthews_

    Thankful for the mesh, but even that doesn't always hold it in.

    11. You can't dance with someone or hug them without feeling like the ultimate creep when they accidentally brush up on your bulge.

    CBS / Via animusempire.com

    Or your half-chub or, under the worst of circumstances, your hard-on.

    12. You can't easily find a condom that fits ~just right~.

    @heyangle / Via Twitter: @heyangle

    Maybe it's because the only one that fits you is out of stock at the pharmacy, or maybe it's because you have to get a custom-fitted one at an online store. It's a struggle either way. (This is NOT to say we're trying to get out of wearing them, but this is a safe space to complain a bit, right?)

    13. And you can't deny that you've probably dealt with condoms ripping or slipping before you finally found one that fit.

    HBO

    14. And you definitely can't have sex without having lube on deck at. all. times.

    @PlanetRomeo / Via Twitter: @PlanetRomeo

    The consequences are painful and sudden.

    15. You can’t have sex all the time because your partner can only take so much within a given time period.

    VH1 / Via tumblr.com

    One crazy night could be all you're gettin' this week.

    16. And anal sex is most likely a no-go.

    Bravo / Via giphy.com

    Unless, of course, you found that unicorn who loves a big dick in the butt.

    17. But at the end of it all, you can't pretend you're not still super proud to have it.

    Universal Pictures / Via giphy.com