17 Poop Emergencies That Will Make You Laugh And Cringe
"Relieving oneself on the trail was strictly illegal, so I spent the first full day pooping my shorts."
1. The beach bum poop:
"Two years ago I went to Hawaii for the first time with my now fiancé. On our first day there, I caught traveler's diarrhea. So every item I ate, I pooped out shortly after. Not thinking it was a big deal, but already having an unpleasant experience, we went into the ocean. I felt a rumble in my tummy but ignored it, figuring it was just gas. A wave came and knocked us both over, rolling me around a little. I was still on the sand but slightly submerged, and as I was rolling around trying to upright myself I crapped my bathing suit. I waddled back up to the beach trying to hold remaining poop in. I told my significant other that I crapped my pants and we rushed back to the room, where we found the inside of my bathing suit covered in poop and sand."
2. The trashcan poop:
"My mom and I were in Kentucky for my older brother's soccer tournament. We were out during the day, and came back to the room running down the halls because both of us had to poop so bad. Being younger, I naturally got to the toilet first. But my mom couldn't hold it. So she came into the bathroom with me, grabbed the trashcan, and proceeded to shit in the trashcan while crying with laughter and telling me how much of a bad daughter I was. To this day, anytime she tries to judge me, I just remind her of the time she shit in a hotel bathroom trashcan."
3. The just-married poop:
"My husband and I were heading out for our honeymoon; we were talking and having a good time. I thought I had to fart, but instead, a whole intestine's worth of diarrhea came out. I was wearing these thin leggings and it seeped out onto our new car seats. I tried sitting sideways so that I wouldn't get them messed up, but the poop started running down my butt cheek. After driving for 10-15 minutes, with my husband laughing and me being all squishy, we pulled into a sketchy-looking car wash that had cameras up everywhere. I got baby wipes and went to the backseat, butt in the air, spreading my cheeks so that I could wipe, despite the cameras. My husband, you ask, was outside with my leggings. He had hung them up on the mat cleaners, spraying yellow poop all over the place...I love him."
4. The mountain-of-poop poop:
"We were in Nepal hiking the Himalayas and had to use squatty potties — the same ones the villagers used. One particular squatty was especially ripe, and by this point, our entire group's stomachs had all given up on life. Of course, no one heeded the warnings not to throw toilet paper in the hole, so we all did. By the time I was able to use it, the poop was literally flowing over the top, so we were pooping on top of poop in this horrific vicious cycle. By this point, we began to take all our toilet paper with us, filling this one, lone plastic shopping bag. Let's not even discuss the smell."
5. The you-thought-you-were-safe poop:
"On my first cruise I made it the entire time without getting sea sick. On the last night, I was feeling pretty good and wanted to loosen up for games and karaoke, so I had a few drinks. I assume that's what caused the events of the following morning. I woke up at 6 a.m. and bolted to the bathroom having to make a choice: What's going in the toilet? I had diarrhea AND I had to vomit. I opted to sit on the toilet as that seemed to be slightly more urgent. But midway into the first round, it was time to vomit. The sink was just within reach if I leaned, so I put the left corner of my mouth on the ledge and let it go. It's the sickest I've been in my life. I sat there for 35 minutes, continuously squirting poop and puking. Every convulsion of my stomach sent more out both ends simultaneously."
6. The never-trust-a-fart poop:
"I went to Vegas with a buddy of mine with the intention of doing a shit-ton of hiking. It was halfway through the trip and we were about to head to our biggest hike, The Grand Canyon. As we were walking through one of the casinos, my stomach started to grumble and scream and do cartwheels. So, I'm thinking I need to just fart and, well, a fart ends up being much more — I shit my pants. So, I run to the bathroom while yelling at my friend, "shit, shit, shit, shit," and I just throw my boxers in the trashcan. I free-ball it back to the hotel and get another pair of boxers. Then, while we're waiting on the bus, getting ready to head out, I once again decided to trust a fart, and tah-dahhh.... I ended up hiking the Grand Canyon free-ballin' again. Lesson learned: Never trust a fart."
7. The illegal poop:
"Three years ago, I went on a long-haul hiking trip to Nepal with my brother and dad. We were in India just before we travelled on to Kathmandu and it was my 20th birthday so, to celebrate, I enjoyed a delicious margarita at a bar in Delhi. Flash forward two days, and we are staying in Kathmandu to meet the rest of our hiking group and get ready to set out for the Annapurna Circuit. My stomach had been rumbling for about 24 hours, but nothing of note had happened, so I was feeling good and excited. The morning before we left, I was bathroom-locked with unbelievable stomach pains, but the toilet had nothing to show for it. Later that night, once we had checked into our hotel, all hell broke loose. I was up for hours vomiting and shitting my guts out. I had to throw away three pairs of underwear because the shit kept on flowing, even in my slumber.
As we had already paid for this trip and weren't going to turn around to get me medical attention, I hit the trail in a makeshift toilet paper diaper — it was no match for the miles I was hiking and quickly disintegrated. The best part: relieving oneself in nature on the trail is STRICTLY illegal, so I spent the first full day on the trail literally pooping my shorts to avoid certain arrest for desecrating the sacred trail."
8. The roadside poop:
"It was a hot summer day, and we were stuck in stand-still traffic on our way home from a trip. Our 6-week-old daughter needed a diaper change, so we pulled off to the side of the road. Her diaper was just wet, so I decided to try and change her real quick in my lap. BIG MISTAKE. As soon as I took off her diaper, she started pooping what looked like thick mustard EVERYWHERE. My husband was scrambling to pass me wipes, and while I waited, I had no choice but to catch the mustard poop with my bare hands! MY BARE HANDS PEOPLE. We both were cleaned up eventually, but that feeling of warm sticky poo between my fingers is one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy."
9. The road trip emergency poop:
"My parents took a road trip with my grandparents, great aunt, and great uncle. They were on the highway in standstill traffic, no exit in sight, when my great aunt insisted that she had to go to the bathroom and couldn't hold it. She ended up standing up in the van while my grandma held a plastic bag up to her butt to have diarrhea in it. The whole time my parent's had their heads hanging out the window, and everyone in the van was gagging. When she finally finished they tossed the bag out of the window and tried to never speak of it again."
10. The six-mile-hike poop:
"For spring break my freshman year of college, my family and I went on a trip to Paris to visit my sister, who was living in France at the time. Day three of the trip's itinerary started with visiting the Opera Garnier and the Sacre Coure. All the French cheese we had with every meal had been making me particularly gassy, so after we walked out of the opera, I thought the loud traffic and open air would be a good opportunity to let it out. Long story short, it wasn't only a fart. I didn't say anything, and figured the next event for the day wouldn't take long. Instead, my dad ended up dragging us on a six-mile walk, uphill, all the way to Sacre Cour. I walked six miles uphill to the highest point in Paris with shit in my pants."
11. The Versace poop:
"On a trip to Israel, my friend noticed this little lady in our group shivering. He wrapped his solid white Versace trench coat around her. Later when we returned to the hotel, she came up behind him and draped it back around his shoulders, saying 'thank you.' He couldn't see it but everyone behind him could see where she had shit all the way down the length of the coat. It looked like a mudslide."
12. The pre-excursion poop:
"I was away for a month-long trip to Spain after high school. We all gathered in a park to go horseback riding and I suddenly had to GO. This was not going to wait until after the ride...it was hardly going to wait until I had my pants undone! I crawled deep into a patch of spindly trees and went. It wasn't a clean one, so I had to actually find random pieces of garbage to use as toilet paper."
13. The silver lining poop:
"I went on a school trip to Peru with about 20 other people. Everything was going fine the first couple of days, but after eating chicken one night, it all went downhill. It was like a chain reaction; once one person got diarrhea, another followed. Only two out of the 21 people on the trip did not get a case of explosive diarrhea — even the chaperones were sick. This trip required many hours on a bus with one small bathroom, which soon became a problem and people started getting bags out in case they could not make it to the bathroom. We made multiple emergency stops along the way, but no place had a bathroom big enough for 21 people. Students even started carrying around their own toilet paper because the rolls kept running out. Eventually a doctor visited our hotel and gave us all medication to stop these explosions. On the bright side, the medication made our pee glow in the dark and it was pretty cool."
14. The midnight surprise poop:
"My girlfriend and I planned an epic Pacific Northwest vacation that culminated at the Women's World Cup Final in Vancouver. After the US won, we ventured into the city to celebrate and wound up at an authentic Japanese noodle house. The food was amazing! Afterward, we went back to the Airbnb. In the middle of the night, I woke up to the worst stench ever. In a sleepy stupor, I rolled over to ask my girl, 'Babe, did you shit the bed?' Turns out, yes, she had. Apparently she has an MSG food allergy. Worst part, we found out two hours later so do I."
15. The just-couldn't-wait poop:
"In the early 2000s, I went to Hawaii to help get my grandmother prepared for her move back to the mainland. After her departure I stayed behind for a few days to enjoy a vacation and she encouraged me to eat/drink as much of the items left in her refrigerator so they wouldn't go to waste. So I popped a bottle of sparkling cider before heading out to dinner. I enjoyed the stroll to the restaurant, and had a good meal. But as I was getting ready to settle my tab I felt an urge in my bowels.
I was totally afraid of pooping in public so I quickly paid my bill and left to begin the quick journey home. As I walked, the urge got stronger and stronger. Remember the scene in Up In Smoke when Cheech has to poo and keeps repeating to himself, 'Buttcheeks stay together...buttcheeks stay together?' That was me. Finally I was about 30 feet from my grandma's apartment, concentrating so hard on keeping it in, when my body just couldn't hold it anymore. I shat myself.
The worst part? I was wearing a short skirt and thong underwear so the liquid poo ran down my leg and onto the concrete balcony/walkway in front of my grandmother's and her neighbor's apartment doors and windows."
16. The stand-and-deliver poop:
"Last summer I went to Milan with my family, and one night we decided to have dinner somewhere near our hotel. We found a Basque restaurant next to a Korean restaurant and the Basque restaurant seemed to be closed. We had never had Korean food before, so we went there, and had a VERY spicy veggie omelette-type dish with some kimchi. That same night, as we were about to go to sleep, I kinda started feeling sick. The moment I stood up, I started vomiting and pooping all over the hotel floor, and kept doing so for like five minutes. The staff changed our room and I couldn't eat for two days."
17. The coffee-fueled poop:
"My family was on a road trip from Texas to California to visit some family we hadn't seen in awhile. We decided we would be crazy enough to do the 20-hour drive non-stop, so we all took turns driving while everybody else slept. I got the graveyard shift at 2 a.m., and I was getting really drowsy, so I stopped at a gas station to get some coffee. It worked, but I forgot that coffee is like the atomic bomb of laxatives to my intestines and will literally flush me out like an apocalyptic tsunami.
It was 7 a.m. when I started feeling my stomach growl, so I pulled into a rest stop and ran into the restroom screaming 'OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD' at the top of my lungs — I didn't think I was going to make it. When I got to the toilet there was a giant spider web and black crust growing on the toilets so I squatted over it. I walked out of the stall relieved that I had made it to the restroom and expelled the entire contents of my stomach.
As I was washing my hands, my mom pointed out the giant poop stain on my shorts, and that's when I walked back to the stall and realized that my 'effective squatting' had actually failed. I'd missed most of the toilet, which meant it was all over the toilet, the floor, and the toilet paper holder. My mom helped me clean the mess all over my shorts and all over that crusty rest stop. When my dad found out what happened, he pulled out the camera and took a picture of me right outside the rest stop to capture the moment."