back to top

27 Things That Will Happen At Every Jewish Wedding

The klezmer band turns up, the couple enters a tent, glassware gets broken, and we're off!

Posted on

1. The synagogue is guaranteed to be absolutely packed.

media.giphy.com

What do you mean there are only 250 people coming? Do you guys not have any friends?

2. Of course, you may have travelled 2,000 miles to get there.

Being invited to a wedding in Israel is completely normal when you're Jewish.
http://simchamakercom.c.presscdn.com

Being invited to a wedding in Israel is completely normal when you're Jewish.

3. First, the bride walks around the groom seven times.

Thinkstock

4. Then the groom stamps on a glass.

Thinkstock

5. The ring goes on the wrong finger.

6. And the rabbi says to the couple, "When you live together…", which is really awkward.

At this point, everyone tries desperately to avoid making eye contact.
smashingtheglass.com

At this point, everyone tries desperately to avoid making eye contact.

7. Of course, any non-Jews at the service won’t have a clue what’s going on.

8. But that's alright! Whisky is served at 11am!

9. After the ceremony, the bride and groom get sent to a side room to get it on.

10. Meanwhile, everyone else judges the happy couple based on whether they have Tony Page.

11. You'll inevitably run into someone you've JDated.

12. Someone you kissed on summer camp.

13. And someone you recognise from JSwipe.

14. Half of the room are on the prowl for a nice Jewish girl or boy.

15. Old people think it’s OK to say, "Please God By You."

media.giphy.com

Hint: it's not.

16. And everyone fights over who can stand nearest the kitchen during the reception.

tumblr.com

It’s all about the mini fish and chips.

17. You’re only allowed one course before you have to start dancing.

18. Nothing gets the crowd going like "Hava Nagilah".

19. There's a free bar.

Warner Bros. / weheartit.com

20. But the kids from the children's table make you try their bizarre Palwin cocktail anyway.

21. Bright orange kippot, inscribed with "Alex and Leah, the happiest couple in the world" are the accessory of the night.

22. And somehow, those grace after meals booklets inscribed with "Daniel and Rachel Goldblattsteinberg" end up at your house.

23. There's always one religious uncle who gets incredibly drunk and has rant about Israel or marrying out.

Which is incredibly awkward.
media.zenfs.com

Which is incredibly awkward.

24. If you need a conversation filler, "Simantov umazel tov, mazel tov vesimantov, Yeheey laaaanuuu" will do.

25. Eventually, the bride gets lifted onto a chair and looks terrified.

26. And if you're family, you'll be invited to all the sheva brachot and keep partying for a week.

27. And at the end of it all, you swear you’ll never drink that much, or do that much Israeli dancing, ever again.

i.imgur.com

Until the next wedding, that is!