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21 Things That Only Ever Happen On Yom Kippur

Why is hanging out outside synagogue suddenly cool?

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1. When you wake up, you forget it's Yom Kippur and accidentally brush your teeth.

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And then you're not really sure what to do about it. Should you apologise to someone?

2. Shul is absolutely packed even though it’s nobody’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

3. And the kids in shul, who are normally cute, become your enemies.

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Because they can eat. And all you want to do is eat.

4. For one day of the year, all the Jews you know agree on something: you’re all hungry.

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5. No, seriously. You experience hunger like never before.

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And you think about those irritating people in the rest of life who say things like, "Don’t you just forget to eat sometimes?" and you think, NOPE.

6. You talk about "fasting badly", as if anyone does it well.

7. Suits and trainers suddenly become very cool.

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Turns out, not wearing leather makes everyone look bad.

8. And Brent Cross shopping centre becomes completely deserted.

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9. You have a Cheder reunion.

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Suddenly everyone you went to Hebrew school with is at your synagogue.

10. When you walk into synagogue, you think: I was here really recently. Like 10 days ago.

11. Talking of synagogue, it feels like exercise.

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Praying and singing and standing and sitting and prostrating and beating yourself and sitting and standing and swaying really takes its toll.

12. And you soon realise that literally no girls actually stick to the rule of not wearing make up.

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13. The Rabbi and the Chazan dress up like the pope.

14. You are guilted into donating to charity.

And you do it by poking a treasury tag through a pledge form.
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And you do it by poking a treasury tag through a pledge form.

15. And there's always a game of chicken when it comes to who's going to kneel down first during Aleinu.

16. Oh yeah, didn't I mention? You beat yourself. Dan Brown style.

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17. Weirdly, the cool place to be is just hanging out outside synagogue.

18. Your pre-fast dinner starts at the same time as dinner when you were six years old.

19. And you get a cup of tea with your meal, which makes you wonder why you don't do that all the time.

20. On Monday morning, bragging rights go to whoever stayed at synagogue the longest.

21. And although you feel proud of yourself, you're so glad that Yom Kippur only comes around once a year.

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Unless you observe the other fasts, that is. Sorry guys.