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54 Awkward Struggles Of Being Jewish And Dating In Britain

First things first, are we related?

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1. Being under so much pressure to find a nice Jewish girl or boy.

2. Calculating the number of Jews you are eligible to date and getting anxious.

3. If you’re LGBTQ, doing the maths and considering moving to America.

4. People at weddings saying "Please God by you".

5. Going to Young Professional Jewish charity events and not knowing which charity it is.

6. Getting stressed over choosing a Purim outfit when you know there will be a few hundred possible dates in the club.

7. Referring to the person you met at Purim by what they dressed up as.

8. Going to Koko on Christmas Eve to pull and bumping into people from Tour.

9. Worse, bumping into someone you took on camp and feeling really old.

10. Being pretty sure that if you don't pull twice at Koko, you've basically failed.

11. Trying to meet people at simchas.

12. Your parents trying to meet someone for you at simchas.

13. Turning it on at a bar/bat mitzvah, while surrounded by children and feeling creepy.

14. Spotting someone cute at a shiva, and then knowing you're a bad person.

15. Realising you're going to have to resort to online dating.

16. Your parents offering to pay for a JDate subscription.

17. Being tempted until you discover no one young uses JDate any more.

18. Resorting to JSwipe.

19. Swiping yes to people you already know just to say hey.

20. Then freaking out that they might swipe no to you.

21. If you don't live in London, putting your radius setting way up.

22. And if you do live in London, still putting it up, just to see who’s out there.

23. Figuring out whether to swipe left or right for all the people you've already got with.

24. Trying not to look when JSwipe suggests someone you're related to.

25. Struggling with whether to swipe yes to someone you took on camp.

26. Discovering that there are cute Jews you don't know: the French.

27. But Brexit.

28. Eventually running out of people to swipe.

29. So getting a friend to suggest someone, then looking them up on Facebook and judging them on how many mutual friends you have.

30. And if you don't have any mutual friends, refusing to believe they are Jewish.

31. Finding someone suitable and knowing for certain they will have dated your friend.

32. Also knowing this does not necessarily rule them out.

33. Understanding that when guys say they are "tall", this is a relative term.

34. Having to forget about holding any physical preferences that aren’t short/dark/hairy/curvy.

35. Finally getting to a first date, going somewhere kosher, and knowing everyone there.

36. Or going somewhere that's not kosher to avoid this, and still seeing someone Jewish you know, also on a date, also trying to avoid everyone else.

37. Somehow ending up on a date in the Alice House in West Hampstead.

38. Or wanting to go for a drink near Golders Green and ending up in the Old Bull and Bush.

39. Aiming not to start the date by talking about Jewish geography, because it's boring, but then doing it anyway.

40. Because "do you know Sophie Cohen? The medic who went to Birmingham? I'm friends with her sister!"

41. Asking where they're from to see if you might be related.

42. Trying to be chill while subtly working out how religious they are.

43. Assessing suitability as a life partner based on their attitude to cheeseburgers.

44. Confessing the naughty Jewish things you've done, way earlier on than is appropriate, just to see how shocked the other person is.

45. Finding doing this nerve-racking, but also quite fun.

46. And you know you’re on to a winner if the boy brings his tefillin to dinner.

47. Once the first date is done with, if it didn’t go well, you will see them at the next simcha/Jewish event you go to.

48. Or in shul, on Yom Kippur, every year for the rest of forever.

49. If it did go well, you will also see them across the room at the next family simcha.

50. You will then have to panic-ask elderly relatives if you are related.

51. If you both survive all of this, you may graduate to date two. A lot of people still live at home so meet-the-parents is happening asap, whether you like it or not.

52. Your parents will have a lot of questions. Like, a lot.

53. They’re just not asking what your grandparents will ask – when are you getting married already?

54. The great thing is, make it past the first few dates, and all you have to do is get two Jews to agree on stuff for the rest of their lives. Compared to the dating bit, that's easy! Right?