2. Respond to all her jokes with finger guns and "Aaaaaaay!"
3. Tap her on the shoulder and then duck out of sight when she turns around.
4. Pay off the DJ and get the "Chicken Dance" going. Or the "YMCA." You know, read the room.
5. Whip out your Kindle Fire to show her pictures of your stamp collection.
6. Never sip your drink. Instead, use your finger to cover one end of your straw and transfer a tiny amount of alcohol to your mouth.
7. Put your drink on top of strangers' heads and yell out their Hogwarts house.
8. Start all your sentences with "HEAR YE, HEAR YE!"
10. Do the robot dance to a Kanye song.
11. Tie your hooded sweatshirt around your neck and wear it like a cape.
12. Sing Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" over whatever other song is playing.
13. Muse on the inevitability of working a meaningless job with little pay-off until you die.
14. Suggest a game of thumb war, and if she agrees, be extremely competitive about it.
15. Do a hasty rendition of Soulja Boy's "Crank Dat" dance in between songs.
16. Obsessively clean spots on your shirt with your Tide-To-Go™ pen.
17. If she asks what you do, shrug and say, "Mo' money, mo' problems, am I right?"
19. Tell lies about yourself followed by "SIIIIIKE!" Then tell the truth.
20. Pull a long string out of your pocket and suggest a game of Cat's Cradle.
21. When asked a yes or no question, roll your eyes and say "Psssshhh," instead of actually answering.
22. Detail why your MFA program at Columbia just wasn't for you, in the end.
23. Ask the bartender to give her one of those free glasses of water and say it's from you.
24. Stare wistfully into the distance. Wonder aloud what you're even doing at this club. If coming here will ever make you feel emotionally fulfilled.
SIIIIIKE that'll never work lmao. Break out your Owen Wilson impression instead.