For the past couple weeks, it seems like you can’t turn on the TV or browse the internet without hearing all about R&R – and not kind that you do over Labor Day weekend on a boat or in a cabin somewhere. No, I’m talking about the Tampa kind: Republicans and Rape.
But if there’s anywhere on the internet with more rape-vibes than a right-wing blog, it’s internet dating sites. For example, this hilarious man apparently thought the following “About Me” section of his online dating profile would drag in all the ladies:
I am very blunt at times I just speak out loud whats in my heart …. Even right now I am thinking that wasn’t Life much more easier when all a guy had to do is approach a girl saying
Guy “Excuse me?”
Guy “I find you very attractive”
Girl “Really? thank you”
Guy “Would you mind turning around?”
Girl ” Why Of course not”
Now all he has to do is get a tight grip on her hair & drag her back to his cave :P
LOL smiley. Physical violence and implied sexual assault? Normal dating stuff. A wish to return to easier times when men could rape with impunity? Who among us hasn't felt a bit nostalgic those traditional values? Datin' and rapin': Not what they used to be.
Then there is this totally emotionally stable fellow:
There are a lot of things to love about that description, but his identity as “not a little pervert” might be my favorite — and a huge warning sign.
Creepy dudes on the internet are also careful to distinguish between “legitimate rape” (official term: “rape-rape”) and a variety of “kinda rape but not, like, RAPE-rape” behaviors. Said internet dudes will use them as a way to entice you into a romantic rendezvous in their big black windowless vans:
And of course “surprise sex”:
But really, proto-rapists on OkCupid want one thing: To respect your womanhood. They just want you to be real ladies — ladies who they can love and trust to raise their children and always have dinner on the table, and not disgusting liberal femi-nazis who have daily abortions and demand things like “respect” and “rights.” They just want a return to the good old days, when men were men and women were serving them in every aspect of their lives. If you act like a lady, lady, I can promise your Match.com dance card will be full and you’ll be ready to embark on a life of happiness with fine gentlemen like this:
In all seriousness, not every guy who mentions rape on his online dating profile is a clearly horrible creep (even if almost every guy who mentions rape on his online dating profile is a clearly horrible creep). This final gentleman, for example, should probably take over writing this column:
You are correct, good sir. You are correct.
If you've got your own online dating horror stories, drop them below, or submit them anonymously.
The A(n)nals of Online Dating is a weekly column about How We Date Now, from the proprietor of the website of the same name, showing off the best of the worst internet dating has to offer.
Illustration by Leslie Wood
Online dating is the worst. Submit the horrific messages you get, and we will collectively laugh at them.
Contact Ouiser Boudreaux at email@example.com.
Got a confidential tip? Submit it here.