You might assume, when you start online dating, that the people who are trying to date you will not be wholly hostile to all people of your gender. You would be wrong. The internet is full of He-Man Woman-Haters who not only use their profiles to vent about how much women are the worst, but also send some pretty choices missives right into your inbox. There are plenty of women who hate men online too, but for whatever reason, straight ladies who are mad at dudes tend to keep it under wraps when they’re trying to date dudes.
The men who hate women are not nearly as subtle. And a few of them are just plain sad. Like this OK Cupid gent:
Fuck you c***, your a worthless piece of shit like all women. All I want is a relationship and sex. Report me and get me banned from this shit site again. So I can get some kind of little life back I had.
There’s a lot to love here, but the fact that he’s been banned from OK Cupid before makes it extra special. Worthless pieces of shit: Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em!
Some men, not content to just call you names, will opine on whether or not you should have rights (answer: usually no). Like this man, who inexplicably messaged a woman with the following commentary:
That’s one way to determine who should have rights and who shouldn’t, I suppose. Some men, though, prefer women on their knees:
He wants someone who’s not a whore, a feminist or an idiot, who doesn’t cause problems, who’s hot, who will blow him and who will let him spank her. I’m pretty sure they sell women like that at a few specialty shops, air pump not included.
Or you could just date a small child:
When they aren’t looking for a woman who has the attributes of a pre-teen stereotype (Adorable! Doesn’t talk back! Finds magic in the little things!), He-Man Woman-Haters are mostly looking for women who will just go along with whatever He-Man wants – they’ll laugh at his jokes, they won’t be bitches by arguing with him, they won’t expect anything. And they will definitely appreciate that he is racist and sexist and awful:
I appreciate the effort he put into alphabetizing this. I’m sure there are many women who would otherwise avoid a guy who calls them cunts, throws the n-word around and goes on racist tirades that he then writes off as “unfiltered humor,” but his attention to detail and determination to hit every single letter of the alphabet no doubt convinced several women to think twice about clicking “delete message.”
And for those who want a true gentleman who doesn’t mind that you don’t look like Scarlett Johansson, there’s this OK Cupid “I’m looking for” gem:
“Lower your standards you shallow cunt” is an appropriate mating call. I hope it works, because it's the only chance he's got.
Any Manic Pixie Dream Girls in the house?
If you've got your own online dating horror stories, drop them below, or submit them anonymously.
The A(n)nals of Online Dating is a weekly column about How We Date Now, from the proprietor of the website of the same name, showing the best of the worst internet dating has to offer.
Illustration by Leslie Wood
Online dating is the worst. Submit the horrific messages you get, and we will collectively laugh at them.
Contact Ouiser Boudreaux at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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