When the baby-making urge kicks in, lots of people turn to online dating in an effort to date and eventually mate. And that’s great. I say, go for what you want! Make that baby! But selecting someone to make a baby with is slightly more complicated than perusing a few profiles, slipping it in and squeezing it out (at least ones hopes). And just because one is a lady and online does not mean that her ovaries start to quiver every time she gets a message. And for most single women, the prospect of getting pregnant tomorrow by a rando you met online is a potential consequence of sex that is slightly worse than chlamydia but marginally better than herpes.
So while I appreciate straight-forwardness, it is a universally bad move to message a woman in order to inform her that you would like to get her pregnant. Also, if women pulled this shit — messaged complete strangers being like, "We would make such cute babies!" or "Dear sir, I would like you to impregnate me" — she would (rightly) be written off as a crazy bitch.
And yet, my inbox is filled with messages from young ladies who've been approached by men offering up a nice egg-fertilizing sperminization. Some, like this guy on Match.com, don’t quite seem to get how the whole process works:
I want to impregnate you over and over again and then appreciate your intrinsic personality and caring nature.
Maybe he went to a conservative school where the sex ed curriculum was a one-pager that reads KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS and that's why he's missing the basics, but you don’t really impregnate someone “over and over again” in one shot. Although it’s an interesting way of saying, “I want to sex you repeatedly.”
And then there are the guys who drop the p-bomb because they think they’re hilarious (they are not). Like this OK Cupid gentleman:
I’m awesome. You’re awesome. Let’s make awesome babies. woah woah easy there young lady, let’s get to know each other first, pastrami sandwich + beer + me + you, let’s do it
Clever! You could learn a thing or two from this comedian:
I am slowly falling under the impression that you and I would probably make beautiful babies. Here’s the deal though, if it’s a girl you can name her but if it’s a boy I get to name him.
I would also like to complete our family by buying a pet penguin and of course we shall live in a castle with only the finest of stallions! I think that would be awesome.
Just an idea….get back to me and let me know what you think.
It’s the jump back and forth between “LOL I am so random with the pet penguins and the stallions!” and the very somber declaration or “Forever yours” that I am just not feeling.
Although OK Cupid dudes do seem to have a thing for horses:
While I appreciate your enthusiasm, as I've explained before, I'm willing to sire you a child, but *only* once we're better acquainted--a dinner date, a lunch date...at the least, meeting at a cafe for pastries and conversation.
If--and only if--you can restrain your desire to mate with me, I'm willing to proceed slowly, and see what develops.
Let’s all agree to never use the word “sire” when talking about reproducing, ok? Ok. But this man hits a lot of the standard “I want to impregnate you” message buttons. He makes a creepy pregnancy comment. Then he’s like, “Wait, no, it’s YOU who wants babies!” And then he uses the message to talk about how handsome he is (confidential to idiots: You’re on an internet dating site. I can see your pictures.). Sadly, he’s not alone:
So I was thinking, we are clearly the two best looking people on this site and we should take advantage of it. What do you say we go to Vegas and get married then make a happy family of perfectly aesthetic children that are so awe striking they make world rulers drop to their knees and beg to pay us huge sums of money for the genetic code. Then we can live happily ever after, throwing money in the trash and partying like Charlie Sheen. As you can see I have this whole thing planned out so all you have to do after you pop out some kids, actually we could just get a surrogate mother. So all you have to do is sit by the pool, drink margaritas, and get oiled up by hot pool boys all day while I conduct business. I already have the wedding booked for the Elvis Wedding Chapel on the strip so I’m really banking on you to say yes to this or I’m going to have to just find a stripper and I don’t think the plan will turn out as well
Charlie Sheen joke! Winning! Pool boys! Vegas Elvis wedding! CLICHÉ MACHINE!
But at least he’s not a clear pedophile who wants to have your babies, like this guy who sent an innocent young woman this message on OK Cupid:
Well aren’t you gorgeous for being 30 and so very tiny…thought you were underage at first. It’s not often I can say that about such a fragile and innocent girl being very attractive. You probably can’t keep up with an experienced, adventurous and naughty bad man unfortunately, can you? ;-)
…we’d definitely make good looking kids though, the world may not be ready for them! The mind is hotter than the hottest of bodies…what do you have up there cutie???
Definitely have babies with a “naughty bad man” who gets a boner when he sees underage girls. I do not see what could go wrong.
And if pedophiles aren’t your thing, there are always potentially abusive control freaks to reproduce with:
Him: hello we need to talk
Him: about you serving me and having My baby
If you've got your own online dating horror stories, drop them below, or submit them anonymously.
The A(n)nals of Online Dating is a weekly column about How We Date Now, from the proprietor of the website of the same name, showing the best of the worst internet dating has to offer.
Illustration by Leslie Wood
Online dating is the worst. Submit the horrific messages you get, and we will collectively laugh at them.
Contact Ouiser Boudreaux at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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