It’s been readily established that the vast majority of creepers on internet dating sites are men. It’s not because men are inherently more awful than women – some women are TOTALLY AWFUL! Equality! -- but because men are culturally conditioned to be the aggressors in relationships. They’re the ones who typically pursue women, who make the first move and who do the asking-out. All that pressure has made some of ‘em a little nuts, and so we get Pick-Up Artists and super-sexual one-liners and whining about how no one will touch their dicks even though they’re so nice.
But men are not the only crazy people in the world, and they are definitely not the only crazy people on the internet. And while 98 percent of the submissions I get to Annals of Online Dating are from women who get insane messages from dudes, there are a handful of men who send in details of terrible women. Most of these women seem to keep the crazy confined to their online dating profiles profiles, but those are some real doozies.
This woman would I’m sure accuse me of being JUST JEALOUS for suggesting that she’s kind of shallow, but she’s kind of shallow:
When I read someone say that poor people shouldn’t embarrass themselves by asking her out, “awesome and sweet” are definitely not the terms that come to mind.
Even if you can’t find someone emotionally stable and actually single, at least pretty girls abound on internet dating sites. And some of those girls are SO pretty, they’ll tell you all about how they spend a lot of time thinking about how SO PRETTY they are:
She sounds nice! And tall.
But not as, um, nice (?) as this girl, who sent this message to a fellow on OkCupid:
May 11, 2011 – 3:44pm Let me know if ever you want some obligation-free head sometime. I’m very easy, I can deepthroat, I love eating cum, and I don’t get lock-jaw.
May 11, 2011 – 9:47pm Are you even remotely interested?! I mean, I don’t wanna be buggin’ you if you’re not into it and I got no chance at all in hell, but if I should keep on messaging you in the hopes of getting your dick in my mouth, I will. Just let me know. You’re really cute; it’d be my HONOR to suck your c****.
But really, most women – even the nutty ones – aren’t asking for a lot. They just want a nice guy will voluntarily change his Facebook status to “in a relationship,” and isn’t a RUDE and UNFRIENDLY and SELFISH JERK like most people in the world:
It makes no sense that this total prize is still single. She’d even let you do it on her face if we’re talking twenties. It really makes you think, WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?
Well, not much, judging by this lady, who burns a guy for making one little reference to the videogame Skyrim:
She's probably totally over stock photo cliches too.
If you've got your own online dating horror stories, drop them below, or submit them anonymously.
The A(n)nals of Online Dating is a weekly column about How We Date Now, from the proprietor of the website of the same name, showing the best of the worst internet dating has to offer.
Illustration by Leslie Wood
Online dating is the worst. Submit the horrific messages you get, and we will collectively laugh at them.
Contact Ouiser Boudreaux at email@example.com.
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