We asked the BuzzFeed Community for their wildest jury duty stories. Here are the hilarious results.
1. Disturbia IRL:
"I went in for jury duty and sat down for questioning. When I looked over at the defense table, I saw my neighbor was the person on trial for nearly killing a man. Needless to say, I was exempt from duty."
2. The vom-father:
"My dad had jury duty a few months ago, and during the selection process, a man must've really not wanted to get chosen — because he stuffed his hand in his mouth to make himself vomit. There had to be an hour-long recess."
3. The domino effect:
"One juror had a bowel condition and terrible gas, but the judge wouldn't exempt him. At one point, the juror's gut made a noise so loud that the lawyers asked to remove him. The judge refused, but soon this guy let out the most vile fart. The judge turned a shade of green only seen in cartoons and puked all over the stand. A lawyer fainted. The bailiff had to carry the puke-covered lawyer to the chambers, and we were all dismissed."
4. The not-so-sneaky threat:
"During our break, the girlfriend of one of the defendants yelled up and down the halls that her man was innocent, and that if we charged him as 'guilty,' she'd kill everyone. She whispered to us all one by one that she would remember our faces. Security had to be called, and we were allowed to go home for good."
5. The one that's so Raven:
"One of my fellow jurors was called to be interviewed. Before the lawyer could begin the interview, the juror confessed she was psychic and already knew the future verdict, so she could not remain impartial. When we got back from our break, she wasn't invited back."
6. The poop princess:
"When the judge asked if there was any reason anyone felt they couldn't fulfill jury duty, the woman next to me raised her hand, turned bright red, and quickly said, 'I'm so sorry, but I HAVE DIARRHEA!' I was torn between feeling mortified for her or laughing at how she said it. Luckily, she was released for the day."
—Toni Galata, Facebook
7. The traveler:
"I'm an Alaska resident, but live in Louisiana. When I get a jury duty summons, I have to send a form that exempts me due to distance. One time I got summoned, but the exempt form wasn't attached, so I called. This woman started yelling, demanding that I appear IN PERSON. I asked if travel expenses would be covered, and she kept screaming, insisting that I would probably have an arrest warrant. Thankfully a week later, I got a letter excusing me."
8. The BFF bonding gone awry:
"I served on a jury where the plaintiff and the defendant arrived each day at court together — so weird. The defendant was being charged with grand theft auto for stealing the plaintiff's car from the Waffle House where she worked, driving to a cemetery, and falling asleep. None of us could see a point in punishing her when they were obviously friends."
9. The '90s kid:
"During jury selection, the prosecutor asked if anyone had heard the song "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy. Only two people raised their hands, me and another twentysomething girl. We were both selected. I was confused why that was one of the questions... until the final day, when the prosecutor referenced the lyrics during his closing arguments. It was hard to keep a straight face."
10. The deadliest weapon:
"My first time on a jury was for an assault with a deadly weapon, but the 'deadly' weapon was a cheap towel bar that bends when you actually put a wet towel on it. The prosecutor dropped the towel bar on the table to prove it was deadly, only instead of a 'thunk' it went, 'ping!'. When we came back from deliberation, the judge admonished us for laughing so loud they could hear us in the courtroom."
11. The decorating doozy:
"I sat on a jury for a case where a woman said her friend spent too much money on the credit card she had given her. She wanted her friend to redecorate her house while she went on vacation. I stood up and said that woman is an idiot for giving her credit card to her friend, and can we please go home? Everyone liked my statement, so we went in favor of the friend and went home."
12. The tangled web of details:
"I sat in on a case where a man shot a woman in the back, paralyzing her from the waist down. But when the victim walked into the courtroom, she was wearing a prison jump suit. Turned out she was serving a sentence for an unrelated incident where she was in a vicious love triangle and stabbed the other woman. On top of all that, our judge was Lance Ito — the man who let OJ Simpson free. The whole thing was weird and took forever."
13. The neck grabber:
"I was a juror on a seemingly boring case where the plaintiff and his wife got rear-ended by another guy. He was suing for the car damage as well as the physical and mental trauma from the accident. But things got interesting when the jury had to read the psychologist's notes, which included that the man would often wake up in the middle of the night strangling his wife. I don't think that was caused by the car accident, dude."
14. The court ~date~:
"I went in for jury duty without getting picked, but at the end of the day, when they were handing out the paper that verifies that you served and don't have to return for awhile, the officer skipped me. He waited until everyone left, and then he asked me out on a date. I told him I had a boyfriend, but I was worried if I turned him down, he would've kept my paper!"
—Michele McNally, Facebook
15. The reconnection:
"I'd been living in Baltimore City for awhile when I got called for jury duty. When I went up to the box, I remember thinking one guy looked really familiar, but I couldn't really figure out who he was. When we all went to the jury room and got a break, this guy I'd been practically staring at talked to me. He was my 10th grade boyfriend, my first love from my hometown in Arizona. We just happened to have both moved to Baltimore and ended up on the same jury."
16. The gross gas:
"I was selected to be a member of a jury. It was a typical DUI case, with one exception: gas. All the defense attorney talked about was how the defendant kept belching during the breathalyzer test, so the machine wouldn't work. Apparently it takes 15 minutes between belches to ensure all residual gasses are expelled. I had to chew the inside of my lip to prevent from cackling. Seriously. GAS?!"
17. And the vile river:
"At the very moment the judge started reading the verdict, I felt a drip from my nose. Suspecting it was just snot, I wiped my nose with my hand. Next thing I know, my nose was gushing blood and there was no stopping it. The judge had to call recess and hold off on the verdict. It was the first bloody nose I've ever had in my life."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.