We asked the BuzzFeed Community for their most embarrassing dating poop horror stories. Here are the icky, sticky, goopy results.
1. The pooper scooper:
A guy invited me over after dinner to watch a movie. We started cuddling when I began to feel sick from the food. I bolted to the bathroom where I had explosive diarrhea. I thought that would make me feel better, but nope — vomit started coming out! I whipped around, throwing up in the toilet. When I sat to regain myself, I saw I'd pooped on his floor while I'd been vomiting. I went to clean it, but there was a single square of toilet paper left. I scooped it with the empty roll, smearing the poop into his floor, hid the roll in the trash, and left. He never asked me out again.
—Holly Snelson, Facebook
2. The vile vegetable:
I was with a guy I really liked, and when we got back to his house, I REALLY had to poop. Usually that wouldn't make me nervous, but I'd eaten a bag of corn for dinner the night before because ~college life~. My poop was the consistency of soft-serve ice cream, swirling around the toilet bowl with corn pieces in it. It wouldn't flush, so after panicking, I paid his suite mate 20 bucks to take the blame for it. I will never eat an entire bag of corn again.
3. The one with Satan's milk:
I was constipated at my boyfriend's parents' house, so he gave me Milk of Magnesia. We were lying in bed when I realized I'd taken too much — before I could stand up, diarrhea leaked out of my butthole. I scurried to the bathroom and saw my white thong drenched in what looked like chocolate but smelled like death. I wrapped it in toilet paper and shoved it in the trash. Later that day, we were greeted by his dog, who had a white string hanging out of his mouth. After a struggle, my boyfriend pulled the string, revealing my mangled thong.
4. The shower shitshow:
One night, I REALLY had to poop while staying at my new boo's place, so I did what any girl would: I pretended to shower so I could do the deed in peace. But something was wrong with his toilet and I couldn't hold it in — so suddenly, I was shitting IN HIS SHOWER. He kept asking through the door if I was OK, so I kept insisting I didn't feel well and was "letting the water run over me" — but I was actually trying to shove the poop down his shower drain. All he wanted to do after I got out was cuddle.
5. The water warrior:
I went to Costa Rica with my boyfriend whom I hadn't been dating for long. My stomach had been upset all day, and during lunch, while wearing white shorts, I shit my pants. I hurried to the bathroom, but there was no running water in the sink. However, there was water in the toilet...so I shamefully rinsed my shorts in the gross porcelain bowl. I came trudging out, filthy water dripping down my legs, and announced lunch was over.
6. A walk to remember:
In college, I invited a girl over for stir-fry at my house and then we went for a walk on the beach. After 15 minutes, my stomach began to turn, so I asked if we could head back. I was in so much pain that I asked her to walk in front of me, because I was sure I was going to explode — and I did. The sludge erupted from my ass and ran down my legs, soaking my socks. I was fully unloaded by the time we returned to my place. I told her hastily, "See you later," headed directly for my shower, and never spoke to her again.
—Chris Stebbins, Facebook
7. The seafood sludge:
The first time my now-husband and I took a trip together, we got a room in an old, fancy Denver hotel and ate a seafood dinner. Dinner went well, but when we returned to the room, my stomach started rumbling and there were farts — raunchy ones. I headed to the bathroom, where I had the worst diarrhea sessions of my life that lasted all night long. The worst part was that the hotel was so old, there were no fans and the windows didn't open at ALL. That smell will be in my mind forever.
8. The one that was too close for comfort:
I had a terrible stomachache when meeting my boyfriend's mom for the first time, but I tried to ignore it. When dinner was over, I finally excused myself to the upstairs (more secluded) bathroom...but his mom insisted that the upstairs bathroom was a mess, and motioned for me to use the one adjacent to the kitchen table we were sitting at. So, I loudly exploded in the bathroom as my boyfriend and his mom finished their meals right outside the door.
9. Shitflix and chill:
My boyfriend and I were having a date night at his house — just some Redbox, pizza, and chill. He left to get snacks, and I decided that was the best time for me to poop. When I was done, the toilet wouldn't flush because the poop was too big to fit down the hole! I started freaking out, and for some reason I ended up in his kitchen, found a plastic knife, went back in the bathroom, cut the poop in half, and flushed again. Luckily, it went down. I ended up telling him, and we're still together.
10. Tee time:
I was anally plowed aggressively and quickly after a dinner date. Mid-penetration, his dick slipped out, and instead of a queef slipping out, a piece of shit the size of a golf ball launched right out and slammed onto his lower belly, and then onto his foot on the floor. It was so embarrassing. He didn't finish. He left.
11. The not-so-tasty treat:
I was with my boyfriend, and we were looking to get lucky. Before we got too heated, I excused myself to the restroom. I swear I gave birth to a monster in there. I eventually finished and cleaned up, but my boyfriend thought I was inserting a spermicidal film, which is a type of birth control. When I came out, he went down on me. He told me not to use the film again because it "tasted like crap."
12. The slushy side effect:
I'd just started a new medication that gave me diarrhea as a side effect. I was on a beach date with my relatively new boyfriend when suddenly, I HAD to go. I jumped up, but it was too late. All I could do was sit in the sand and let out the most disgusting diarrhea I'd ever had. I was so embarrassed that I started crying, and my boyfriend had to call my mom to bring clean clothes. Thankfully, it didn't scare him away — we just celebrated our five-year anniversary.
13. The cat crap attack:
After a date with a guy I barely knew, I woke in the middle of the night, needing to poop. His arms and legs were wrapped around me, and I didn't want to wake him. I finally slithered out and got to the bathroom, but I didn't know he had a cat, which jumped out of a hidden litter box. It literally scared the crap out of me — I ended up leaving poo stains all over his toilet. I spent the next 20 minutes trying to clean it, but I'm still not sure to this day if I missed a spot.
14. The poopy pass:
My new boyfriend and I were on our way to introduce him to my parents, and my digestive system was acting up. We were on the downslope of a mountain pass when I screamed at him to pull over. The only place to go was a parking spot for snowmobiles, but in a panic, I made do. I did my vile deed on a snowbank, while my boyfriend tried to create a special private area for me with the car doors and searched for something resembling toilet paper in his car. We've been married for five years, and still laugh at "poop pass" when we visit my mom.
15. The sick squad:
My boyfriend and I had been in a long-distance relationship, and I was about to visit him for our second IRL rendezvous. Of course, I got the WORST stomach flu of my life the day before I left, but I figured it would clear up when I arrived. Well, that wasn't the case: I spent the first two days locked in his bathroom, pooping my guts out. Then, as soon as I felt better, HE came down with it and spent hours pooping! It all worked out, though — that was a year ago, and now we're married!
16. And the goddamn keeper:
I was on a first date on Christmas Eve, so when we left the restaurant, everywhere else was closed. It was a 40-minute drive back to my house, and I began to get a horrendous feeling in my stomach. I started scanning for somewhere to poop, and when we approached a closed gas station I blurted, "Pull over!" She hit the brakes and I jumped out, praying the bathroom would at least be open. It wasn't, and I felt the poop fill up my underwear. Behind this gas station, in freezing weather, I stripped down to my bare poopy ass and wiped as much as I could. I threw my underwear in the dumpster, put my poop-stained pants on, and tried to walk calmly back to her. She drove me home in silence, and though I didn't ask her to come in, she did anyway. I took a long shower and was surprised to see her still there after I got out. We've been together for seven years.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.