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The Five Best Women To Help A Biddy Through A BreakUp

After you've gotten your face smashed in the dirt by love, it is normal to feel lost and alone. Why, it was only last week that my wrists damn near slit themselves over a boy! Thankfully, I regained composure after remembering five inspirational gal pals of mine.

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1. Adele

Hopefully, you've heard of her! Adele preaches from the mic that its okay to be yourself, and people should (and can!) love you for the offensive tasting potato salad that you bring to the picnic table of life because (as Adele would say, 'Ello!!) its the thought that counts. Her message: You are beautiful just as you are.

2. Beyoncé

Sasha Fierce basically runs the world (Beyoncé for Pope!), so of course she wouldn't give a rat's ass about the man who was fool enough to break up with her superstar self! Her message: You're better off without the bastard. Girl power!

3. Your Great Grandmother Who Had 10 Kids During The Dust Bowl

Cautionary tale and startling reminder that your predicament could be way, way worse. Whoever said you can't compare miseries didn't live off dirt-coated canned beans and stale bread for a decade. Heads up, ladies, Gam Gam's got the trump card here. Her message: The good ole days weren't always good. Keep condoms on the ready and cherish the ability to eat meat products and ice cream.

4. Ellen

Ellen is my anti-drug when it comes to breakups. She does things like this. *See below. Lemme check something. Yup, my heart just grew three sizes. Her message: Just when you thought you could never laugh again, God invented me, a joke-machine of a lesbian, to save you from your sorrows. You're welcome.

Moral of the story is that life went on for these woman, and it will go on for you. There are many more embarrassing and thoroughly alarming sexual experiences to be had before you ball and chain yourself to one man. So keep your chin up. I mean, you could have been born this guy. Mull over that for a minute.

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