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    Posted on Jan 19, 2015

    9 Forced Conversation Topics With Your Friend’s Shitty Boyfriend

    No no no Jenna don't go to the bathroom and leave us alone here at this bar nooooooooo.

    1. “I like your jacket!”

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    Literally anything to keep from saying I know he has one slightly smaller testicle.

    2. “So like, how’s it going?”

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    I have definitely never judged you by anecdotes at brunch and I am OFFENDED THAT YOU WOULD EVEN THINK SO.

    3. "Man, um, pretty hot/cold/wet/dry out there!"

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    I'm just straight-up clinging to inanities about the weather the way an Ellis Island immigrant clings to the Statue of Liberty.

    4. "Um... anyway..."

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    COME ON JENNA, COME ON JENNA, HOW LONG IS THAT BATHROOM LINE JENNA

    5. “How’s work? Oh, a LONG story, that is my favorite kind!”

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    While you are droning on and on, I am thinking about that time I told Jenna I slept with a dude who wore Vibrams to restaurants and she assured me that our friendship was a “no-judgment zone" and feeling like a horrible friend.

    6. "So I hear you're an EDM DJ."

    7. "Cool, sounds like you're close to being signed!"

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    He will be "close to being signed" for a thousand years. Even when the human race has turned to fine dust, he will insist that the "rough beast that slouches towards Bethlehem to be born" is DJ VicDiesel's most sick-ass dubstep track.

    8. "Cool."

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    WHY CAN YOU NOT PUT JUST AN OUNCE OF EFFORT INTO THIS. WHY IS EVERY CONVERSATION WITH YOU LIKE DRAGGING A DEAD BUFFALO ACROSS THE PLAIN.

    9. "Jenna's back. Jenna! JENNA!!!!"