We recently asked the BuzzFeed Community about the things that annoy them the most in fanfiction sex scenes. Here are the worst offenders.
AND BEFORE YOU GET MAD, fanfiction is, in many ways, leaps and bounds ahead of, say, the way sex is portrayed in some TV shows and movies. I've read some incredible fic that was realistic AND hot, so I'm not a naysayer. THAT SAID, there are a lot of time-honored and cringey tropes that pop up time and again, AND I WANT TO LAUGH ABOUT THEM.
1. No one ever needs lube, and when they do, they use a RIDICULOUS replacement for it.
2. People always forget to use condoms because they're too turned on and not thinking straight. But no worries; there are never any consequences!!
3. Tongues "battling for dominance." Enough said.
4. There is no normal, everyday sex. Everyone is always either ravaging someone or tenderly making love.
5. And there's no...bad sex. Ever.
6. ~Losing virginity~ is made into a really big romantic deal.
7. And the hymen is treated like this ~magical virginity seal~ that breaks and causes a lot of bleeding, when THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.
8. Virgins always transform from demure innocents to total sex gods IMMEDIATELY.
9. People with vaginas get off from penetration alone all the time, which...lol.
10. A lot of the time, the sex positions described are PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
11. Vaginas basically ~gush~ when they get wet — and squirting is no big thang.
12. Annoying top/bottom stereotypes run rampant in slash fic, where the bottom is always the ~effeminate submissive one~ and the top is the ~macho alpha~.
13. If there's a dick involved, it's always gotta be BIG AND AMAZING, THE PRETTIEST DICK YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
14. Sex requires nooooo prep at all. None.
15. And when it comes to first-time anal, it always hurts a ~bit~ at first, but then everyone's just GOOD TO GO. Bring on the pounding!
16. Then, they're always fiiiiiine after they bottom/receive anal for the first time.
17. Penises are referred to as a number of horrible things, like their ~member~.
18. The vulva is referred to as “lips” or “folds.”
19. And it's pretty much always described as tasting SWEET or FRUITY.
20. Fingers are called ~digits~, because apparently saying someone's sticking their fingers into something is too weird.
21. The phrase "thick ropes of cum" pops up more than is necessary, tbh.
22. Same with penises "leaking precum."
23. Refractory periods DON'T EXIST. People with penises can just go all night long, over and over and over again.
24. In fact, multiple orgasms are pretty much the norm. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE IN FANFIC SATISFIED WITH JUST ONE ORGASM SOMETIMES?
25. Ditto to simultaneous orgasms.
26. When someone with a vagina comes, their partner always "feels their walls clench around them" and it sends them both "over the edge."
27. When it comes to eating ass, THERE'S NO CLEANING UP FIRST. PEOPLE JUST DIVE RIGHT IN.
28. There's just. So much moaning. About everything.
29. And lastly, EVERYONE FALLS ASLEEP AFTER AS THOUGH THERE ARE NO BODILY FLUIDS TO CLEAN UP.
Responses have been edited for clarity and/or length.