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29 Ridiculous Things That Happen In Every Fanfic Sex Scene

It's not fanfiction unless their tongues battle for dominance.

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We recently asked the BuzzFeed Community about the things that annoy them the most in fanfiction sex scenes. Here are the worst offenders.

AND BEFORE YOU GET MAD, fanfiction is, in many ways, leaps and bounds ahead of, say, the way sex is portrayed in some TV shows and movies. I've read some incredible fic that was realistic AND hot, so I'm not a naysayer. THAT SAID, there are a lot of time-honored and cringey tropes that pop up time and again, AND I WANT TO LAUGH ABOUT THEM.

1. No one ever needs lube, and when they do, they use a RIDICULOUS replacement for it.

Spit. Lotion that's conveniently on the bedside table right when it's time to do the do. Sometimes even precum, since apparently THAT'S ENOUGH TO GET THINGS GOING. And that's only the "normal" shit — fic authors get hella creative. Like, pizza-grease-up-your-butt creative. —benjamint470c5e8f3
Fx / Via buzzfeed.com

Spit. Lotion that's conveniently on the bedside table right when it's time to do the do. Sometimes even precum, since apparently THAT'S ENOUGH TO GET THINGS GOING. And that's only the "normal" shit — fic authors get hella creative. Like, pizza-grease-up-your-butt creative.

benjamint470c5e8f3

2. People always forget to use condoms because they're too turned on and not thinking straight. But no worries; there are never any consequences!!

WE tv / Via giphy.com

STOP EROTICIZING BEING TOO HORNY TO PRACTICE SAFE SEX.

queergirl614

3. Tongues "battling for dominance." Enough said.

Are the tongues clashing together like swords? —emilyb42b9cf39b
dallasisbroke / RedBubble / Via redbubble.com

Are the tongues clashing together like swords?

emilyb42b9cf39b

4. There is no normal, everyday sex. Everyone is always either ravaging someone or tenderly making love.

It seems festive for sex to be such an EVENT all the time, but oh my god isn't it exhausting??? Where's the goofy sex? Where's the normal everyday get in, get out sex? Sometimes you just gotta get off without all the emotional fanfare!—katyk478cb7069
meladoodle.com

It seems festive for sex to be such an EVENT all the time, but oh my god isn't it exhausting??? Where's the goofy sex? Where's the normal everyday get in, get out sex? Sometimes you just gotta get off without all the emotional fanfare!

katyk478cb7069

5. And there's no...bad sex. Ever.

Fic is fantasy fulfillment, YES, but if it's not PWP and you're actually tryna show some relationship development, maybe you should show some bad and awkward sex!!!—Sherri Maine, Facebook
Twitter: @therealkimj

Fic is fantasy fulfillment, YES, but if it's not PWP and you're actually tryna show some relationship development, maybe you should show some bad and awkward sex!!!

—Sherri Maine, Facebook

6. ~Losing virginity~ is made into a really big romantic deal.

FOX / Via glee.wikia.com

More often than not, one or both characters having sex for the first time is a HUGE CLIMAX (lol) of the plot, which wouldn't be such a big deal if First Time Ever Sex wasn't treated as inherently more romantic and special than Sex When You've Had Sex Before. VIRGINITY IS A CONSTRUCT, PEOPLE.

mhbrown99q

7. And the hymen is treated like this ~magical virginity seal~ that breaks and causes a lot of bleeding, when THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.

truTV / Via youtube.com

Why's that a plot point in the first place, dude?

mhbrown99q

8. Virgins always transform from demure innocents to total sex gods IMMEDIATELY.

Nickelodeon / Via gifimage.net

Because are you really a worthy protagonist if you don't have an immediate natural knack for boning?

josephineniennak

9. People with vaginas get off from penetration alone all the time, which...lol.

*whispers* Remember the clitoris.—christinar4fd2df5ca
Twitter: @imteddybless

*whispers* Remember the clitoris.

christinar4fd2df5ca

10. A lot of the time, the sex positions described are PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

Like, two people go at it doggy style, but somehow manage to get some nipple licking and kissing in there. Are y'all fucking or playing X-rated Twister?—spencyfrenchy
Loryn Brantz / BuzzFeed / Via buzzfeed.com

Like, two people go at it doggy style, but somehow manage to get some nipple licking and kissing in there. Are y'all fucking or playing X-rated Twister?

spencyfrenchy

11. Vaginas basically ~gush~ when they get wet — and squirting is no big thang.

@funkofficial / Via giphy.com

You can get turned on without your vag turning into a waterfall, people.

lamelurker

12. Annoying top/bottom stereotypes run rampant in slash fic, where the bottom is always the ~effeminate submissive one~ and the top is the ~macho alpha~.

Not saying that this kind of dynamic doesn't exist in queer culture, but c'mon, when you have to make a character act all OOC to fit a stereotype, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. —clemee
pizza-is-the-key.tumblr.com / Via me.me

Not saying that this kind of dynamic doesn't exist in queer culture, but c'mon, when you have to make a character act all OOC to fit a stereotype, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

clemee

13. If there's a dick involved, it's always gotta be BIG AND AMAZING, THE PRETTIEST DICK YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

FOX / Via buzzfeed.com

More average dick representation 2k18!!!

christinar4fd2df5ca

14. Sex requires nooooo prep at all. None.

Bravo / Via giphy.com

FOREPLAY, PEOPLE. In an ideal world, you wouldn't have to clean up down there, and you could shove a dick or toy right in without having to ease into it, but that's not how it works! I don't care if it ruins your spontaneous frantic sex trope, you've still gotta go through the motions!

angelicface

15. And when it comes to first-time anal, it always hurts a ~bit~ at first, but then everyone's just GOOD TO GO. Bring on the pounding!

—bertc4566359fa

16. Then, they're always fiiiiiine after they bottom/receive anal for the first time.

Like, a dude can take a huge schlong for the first time ever (AGAIN, USUALLY WITH NO LUBE), and be walking around sitting down with no discomfort the next day. UM, IN YOUR DREAMS?—clemee
Killer Productions / Via buzzfeed.com

Like, a dude can take a huge schlong for the first time ever (AGAIN, USUALLY WITH NO LUBE), and be walking around sitting down with no discomfort the next day. UM, IN YOUR DREAMS?

clemee

17. Penises are referred to as a number of horrible things, like their ~member~.

Fremantle Media / Via youtube.com

Also, the word "velvety" is FAR overused as a descriptor.

allyrae

18. The vulva is referred to as “lips” or “folds.”

LLCoolJVEVO / Via giphy.com

And it's always *shudder* slick.

emileem3

19. And it's pretty much always described as tasting SWEET or FRUITY.

If you're going down on a vulva, it's gonna taste like a vulva. DEAL WITH IT. —kileyw2
imgur.com

If you're going down on a vulva, it's gonna taste like a vulva. DEAL WITH IT.

kileyw2

20. Fingers are called ~digits~, because apparently saying someone's sticking their fingers into something is too weird.

FOX / Via reactiongif.org

~He inserted his digits into...~

faithm40abe33e2

21. The phrase "thick ropes of cum" pops up more than is necessary, tbh.

Columbia Pictures / Via reddit.com

WHAT KIND OF SPIDERMAN DICK ARE YOU HAVING SEX WITH?

sheal3

22. Same with penises "leaking precum."

Nickelodeon / Via giphy.com

Is this...supposed to be sexy? Why the fixation?

—Anonymous

23. Refractory periods DON'T EXIST. People with penises can just go all night long, over and over and over again.

youtube.com / Via tenor.com

Idc how horny and into each other you are. If you've got a penis, you have to let it charge before round two or three or six.

jossminion

24. In fact, multiple orgasms are pretty much the norm. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE IN FANFIC SATISFIED WITH JUST ONE ORGASM SOMETIMES?

ALWAYS SUCH A PRODUCTION. —jjennas1118
Netflix / Via me.me

ALWAYS SUCH A PRODUCTION.

jjennas1118

25. Ditto to simultaneous orgasms.

Comedy Central / Via buzzfeed.com

PSA, bodies are different and you can't just magically reach orgasm at the same time as your partner, no matter how convenient it is for the scene.

taythepianogirl

26. When someone with a vagina comes, their partner always "feels their walls clench around them" and it sends them both "over the edge."

Cartoon Network / Via giphy.com

Is there an instruction manual out there demanding that this is how orgasms MUST BE DESCRIBED?

kitkat92814

27. When it comes to eating ass, THERE'S NO CLEANING UP FIRST. PEOPLE JUST DIVE RIGHT IN.

Like, I get it, everyone in fic has a squeaky clean butthole and would never have to wipe down before someone sticks their face in there, but REALLY. If anyone takes that at face value, they're going to wind up in some very shitty situations. —auroraf4d8f205c4
CW / Via myfacewhenever.tumblr.com

Like, I get it, everyone in fic has a squeaky clean butthole and would never have to wipe down before someone sticks their face in there, but REALLY. If anyone takes that at face value, they're going to wind up in some very shitty situations.

auroraf4d8f205c4

28. There's just. So much moaning. About everything.

Screen Gems / Via giphy.com

Like damn, I wish someone massaged my boob so well that a moan escaped my throat before I could stop it.

danic494b31e72

29. And lastly, EVERYONE FALLS ASLEEP AFTER AS THOUGH THERE ARE NO BODILY FLUIDS TO CLEAN UP.

USA / Via newnownext.com

I don't care how much you love cuddling and just want to fall asleep guys, just go grab a towel and wipe yourself down! You don't have to sleep on that wet spot! Love yourself!

—Kayla Morello, Facebook

Responses have been edited for clarity and/or length.

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