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57 Thoughts Every Anxious Person Has During Sex

Did my phone just buzz? WHAT IF IT'S AN EMERGENCY?

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1. HERE WE GO.

2. Wait, should I have offered you a drink?

3. Do you need to be drunk for this? Do I need to be drunk for this?

4. Shit, I forgot to turn off the lights.

5. Oh god, is there a nonawkward way to extricate myself from you to go turn off the lights?

6. Wait, why do YOU want to turn off the lights?

7. Is my body grotesque to you?

8. Or do you want them off so you can imagine I'm your ex or something???

9. Huh, wait, did I groom down there today?

10. WHO CARES IF I GROOMED DOWN THERE? DEAL WITH IT.

11. But seriously, did I groom down there?

12. OK, how long can we just make out before you get impatient with me?

13. Seriously, I could do this for hours. FOREPLAY.

14. Are you into this???

15. Are we moving too slow?

16. Are we moving too fast?

17. That was a good move.

18. …almost too good?

19. How many times have you done that?

20. DOESN'T MATTER, MOVING ON.

21. OK, but seriously, I don't have ~moves~ like that.

22. AM I A TOTAL BORE IN BED?

23. Wait, was that my phone?

24. Ignore it. IGNORE IT.

25. BUT WHAT IF IT'S IMPORTANT?

26. Can my roommates hear us?

27. Should I turn on some music?

28. Once again, this is the type of thing I should've taken care of BEFORE getting started and I can't do anything right.

29. Lights on, music off, this is ANARCHY.

30. Please don't think I'm turning on music so I don't have to listen to those noises you're making.

31. Do I make weird noises?

32. Are you judging my music taste now? I HAVE EXCELLENT MUSIC TASTE.

33. I shouldn't have put on music.

34. What do you mean "Right there"?

35. I know you probably mean that I'm doing something good, but does that also mean that everything up to now has sucked?

36. Are you only saying "baby" only because you don't want to say the wrong name?

37. Do you even remember my name?

38. Of course you remember my name. Calm the fuck down, self.

39. Where is my brain's off switch??

40. TURN OFF, BRAIN, TURN OFF. WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?

41. Seriously. It's sex time. Stop worrying.

42. But what does my face look like right now?

43. What was that sound that just came from my body?

44. Oh my god. Earth, please open up and swallow me whole, right now.

45. *AGGRESSIVELY TURNS BRAIN OFF*

46. *momentary white noise*

47. YES. IS IT HAPPENING? AM I GONNA— ?

48. LET GO, BODY. JUST LET IT GO.

49. But wait control your O-face, try not to look like a gorilla omfg.

50. Annnd it's gone. THANKS, BRAIN.

51. OK, thanks for telling me you're gonna come, BUT WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT?

52. SHOULD I NOT MOVE? KEEP DOING WHAT I'M DOING?

53. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

54. Are you asking me if I finished because you don't want to do any more work?

55. Because btw, I didn't.

56. But don't worry. It's not you — it's me. And by me, I mean MY CRIPPLING INABILITY NOT TO WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.

57. Seriously though, good game.

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