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24 Hilarious Sex Things That Happen In Every Harry Potter Fic

Accio lube.

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Sex scenes in fanfiction often feature a variety of time-honored and cringey tropes — think tongues battling for dominance — and smutty fic set in the Harry Potter universe is no different.

Before we get started, I'll be the first to say that tropes exist for a reason and that's because they can be FUN AND DELIGHTFUL. I for one will never tire of reading about Harry and Draco snogging in a broom closet — so there's no hating here. But that doesn't mean there's not stuff to make fun of.

SO, OKAY. LET'S LAUGH ABOUT SOME HP SMUT.

2. Not to mention, the astronomy tower sees its fair share of sex. Because stars? Or something?

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Shockingly, not a lot of word count gets dedicated to describing how cold and uncomfortable it would be to HAVE SEX IN AN OUTDOOR STONE TOWER, but okay.

10. If characters are boning in their dorm, they cast a silencing spell so they can get down behind drawn bed curtains like it's no big thing.

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Sharing a dorm room with four other people is no obstacle when you have silencio!

11. Speaking of, characters sneak into each other's dorms like it's NBD, even if they're in completely different houses.

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Not to split hairs, but NO OUTSIDER HAS ENTERED THE SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM FOR MORE THAN SEVEN CENTURIES*, PEOPLE CAN'T JUST COME AND GO AS THEY PLEASE TO FUCK DRACO MALFOY!!!

*Until Harry and Ron did in Chamber of Secrets. I know, I know.

12. And inter-house relationships are made into a Big Freaking Deal.

Warner Bros. / Via dailyhpsource.tumblr.com

Especially Gryffindor/Slytherin pairings. But hey, that just makes all the forbidden sex even SEXIER.

13. But weirdly enough, student/teacher relationships are less of a big deal???

Feel free to @me, but I'm judging anyone who's ever written Snape into a sex scene. And there are a lot of you.

15. Fandom collectively made up a Head Boys' and Girls' shared dorm and common room that doesn't exist in the books where — of course — a lot of boning went down.

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Particularly popular in Draco/Hermione and James/Lily fic. But I repeat: NO SUCH THING EXISTED! It was just a useful plot device for the express purpose of giving characters someone to bang!

17. And there's occasional frantic train compartment sex, especially after a character comes back from summer holiday sporting a massive glow-up.

18. Quidditch players always have unbelievable bodies, obviously, and their ~Quidditch muscles~ are heavily noted during sex.

Warner Bros. / Via deafharry07.skyrock.com

No offense, but how ripped can you realistically get riding around on a broom?

23. Speaking of illegal substances, Amortentia always conveniently clues characters into who they secretly want to shag.

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OH NO, WHAT'S THAT MYSTERIOUS SMELL WAFTING OUT OF THIS LOVE POTION THAT'S MEANT TO SMELL LIKE THE THINGS I AM MOST ATTRACTED TO?

24. In general, far too many characters are written as sex gods despite the fact that they're LITERAL STUDENTS WHO WERE PROBABLY FUMBLING VIRGINS UNTIL TWO MINUTES AGO.

@emibob / Via giphy.com

It miiiight be because, a good chunk of the time, a character is secretly half-Veela or something. Or because all witches and wizards are just insanely good at sex. Because magic.

WHATEVER.