A Definitive Ranking Of The Planets By How Fucking Dramatic They Are

Mercury in retrograde. Jupiter throwing storm tantrums. Uranus rolling around the floor, like GUYS.

Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

Extra: Dramatic. Excessive. Doing the most. We all know that person, and we all have those moments. But even the most extra humans pale in comparison to the the most dramatic beings in our solar system: the motherfucking planets.

From using their orbits as a stage for their acrobatic routines to harboring storms that could swallow our planet whole, these celestial bodies — though gorgeous and glamorous — are sometimes Just Too Much. So it’s only fair that we rank them based on their level of histrionics.

Unless otherwise noted, all facts below are sourced from NASA.

8. Neptune

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Neptune is the coldest planet in our solar system, and this overabundance of chill means she is the Least Extra of All the Planets. Unlike most of the other planets, she does NOT fight for our attention across the billions of miles that separate us, as she’s completely invisible to the naked eye. In fact, Neptune is so elusive, she had to be discovered through math (math!!!) after Uranus’s irregular orbit clued scientists into her existence.

But fret not — there is still a chance for Neptune to come into her own and bedeck herself in a cosmic opulence that could rival the rest of the solar system. Her largest moon, Triton, is the only moon in the solar system orbiting in the opposite direction of her planet, and she’s moving closer to Neptune each year. When the two finally collide in another 10 million years or so, Triton will be ripped apart into rings that could be as vast and vibrant and Saturn’s. We’re talking about the most slow-moving makeover montage ever. So we’ll see how Neptune ranks in the future.

7. Mercury

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Mercury, sweet Mercury. Gentle and flighty, Mercury is the most unassuming body in our solar system. This oft-forgotten wallflower is only slightly bigger than the Earth’s moon and, with hardly any atmosphere, resembles our faithful satellite more closely than any planet in our solar system. She’s shy, difficult to spot, and, unlike the other planets, is no frills and all business. Also, she can whip around the sun in a mere 88 days because she refuses to waste time on nonsense and melodramatics.

HOWEVER. She is still a planet and therefore has a penchant for #drama of the most devastating kind. We know this because of how much we get screwed whenever Mercury decides to throw herself into retrograde*. Mercury is that kid on the playground who instigates shit and gets away with it because she’s cute and innocent. Tiny madam, we are onto you.

*When a planet goes into retrograde, it appears that they’re moving in the opposite direction of their natural orbit. (It is, of course, an illusion based on how the planet and Earth are moving in relation to the sun.) While all planets retrograde, astrologically speaking, Mercury’s retrograde motion seems to fuck the most shit up.

6. Saturn

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Saturn is iconic. Her rings? Exquisite. Moons? Numerous. Atmosphere? Deceptively treacherous. She might only be ranked at #7, but just because Saturn doesn’t bring drama directly to the table doesn’t mean she lacks a latent extra side just waiting to be unleashed.

All of the gaseous planets have rings, but Saturn is the only planet known for hers. This queen is literally adorned with a crown made of crushed moons and comets thousands of miles wide, and she is the most distinctive planet in our solar system by far because of that. In fact, her rings are so vibrant that when Galileo first observed her through a telescope in 1610, he mistook her for a three-bodied planet.

Oh, and since Saturn is the only planet less dense than water, it is entirely possible for her to draw herself a luxurious bubble bath and float away while sipping cosmos to her divacious heart’s content. Absolutely superb.

5. Mars

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Mars, so named for the god of war, is situated between Earth (who begot life) and Jupiter (who is Literally Huge). Real estate between these two planetary all-stars coupled with his diminutive size has resulted in Mars’s unfortunate — albeit justified — inferiority complex. Mars tried to buff himself up by commissioning two misshapen boulders to pass as moons, but this effort was undercut by them looking like potatoes and being named after the gods of Fear and Panic. So, yes: Mars is that guy who scream-grunts at the gym because he would like you to know that he is, indeed, a Very Strong Planet, and you should definitely compliment him on his anxious potato moons.

Until recently, Mars’s longtime claim to fame was his potential for holding past life. But once again Mars has been overshadowed, this time by Saturn’s moon, Enceladus, after some promising data collected by NASA’s Cassini mission. As the geochemist Christopher Glein put it, “Enceladus is laying out a splendid buffet and we’re reaching for the burnt toast.” Ouch.

We still love you, Mars, you furious burnt piece of toast.

4. Earth

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This is Earth. Earth begot life. Ma’am. You could have just stayed a planet, but you had to have antelopes and stuff prancing all over your face. Do you know the trouble you could have saved yourself? ANYWAY. Earth loves drama and all the mess that comes with it, as she houses 8.7 million different species, including humans. None of the other planets put up with our nonsense, but Earth’s affliction for scrubs has given us free reign to toss garbage on her and burn her trees and shit, and never pay her back. Like, she makes you want to put both hands on her shoulders, look her in the eye, and say, “Girl. Come the fuck on.”

Earth might be patient, but she’s also petty AF. Who knows if and when she’ll get us back for draining her resources and not paying rent. Y’all better plant some trees or something.

3. Jupiter

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Not willing to be outdone by other planets, Jupiter took it upon herself to nearly become her own solar system. Three rings, 53 confirmed moons, and a nearly-incomprehensible hugeness make for a behemoth of planetary extravagance. For perspective: if Jupiter were a basketball, Earth would only be a nickel. Had Jupiter grown any larger, based on her ingredients, she could have very likely turned into a star. A STAR. MADAM PLANET. Not to mention that she is named after the king of ancient roman gods. Extra AF.

Also, Jupiter is so lacking in chill that she can make a full rotation in 10 hours. Can you imagine a 10-hour day? Jupiter, go to bed and drink some water. No wonder you’re harboring a temper tantrum twice the size of planet Earth on your face.

2. Venus

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Coming in HOT (heh) at number two is the gorgeous Ms. Venus. Let me tell you: Venus’s extra ass has no business being the hottest planet, AND YET. Her atmosphere is super dense and it traps heat in just like an oven, so at 797 degrees Fahrenheit, her surface temperature is hot enough to melt lead. Oh, and it’s heavy — if you were to somehow stand on Venus (without dying from heat, asphyxiation, etc.), you would feel like you’re standing a mile under water.

Venus rotates the slowest out of all the planets, so a day on Venus is equivalent to 243 Earth days. She is slow-mo voguing and living for all eyes on her good sides. Though if we’re being honest, all of her sides are good sides. And because she’s the planetary equivalent of the drunk girl who deluges you with compliments in the bar bathroom, Venus’s landmarks are named after extraordinary women, both real and mythological: a crater named after Sacajawea, a plateau named after Lakshmi, a canyon after the Goddess Diana, and so on and so forth. Venus, herself named for the Roman goddess of love and beauty, is clearly a queen in every sense of the word.

1. Uranus

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And finally, FINALLY, let me introduce you to Ms. Queen Bee. First of all, Uranus what moisturizer do you use because goddamn. William Herschel discovered this exquisite ball of gas in 1781, and she shone so brightly that he originally thought her to be a comet or a star. She was originally going to be named Georgium Sidus after King George III, to which Uranus (probably) responded “I think the fuck not” and claimed for herself her current title that she shares with the Greek god of the sky.

Though her rings are not as well-known as Saturn’s, she does, in fact, have 13 of them. Uranus also has 27 moons, and though the other planets’ moons are named after characters from Greek and Roman mythology, Uranus’s are named after the works of Shakespeare and Alexander Pope’s because she is nothing if not a purveyor of D-R-A-M-A.

While most of the planets spin nearly upright, Uranus rotates at 97.77 degrees; essentially, she cartwheels around the sun on her side because she loves the attention. And though it’s unconfirmed at this point, there’s a good chance our beautiful blue lady rains diamonds. Because of course she does. Bless up, Uranus, you flawless, sideways, glam queen.

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