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How Patriotic Are You Actually?

In the name of AMURICAH.

Posted on
  1. Check off everything that applies to see if you bleed red, white, and blue!

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    You have at least one item of clothing with red, white, and blue on it.
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    You have at least two items of clothing with red, white, and blue on it.
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    Half of your wardrobe is red, white, and blue.
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    And you wear this patriotic clothing on days other than holidays.
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    You also own a piece of swimwear with a flag on it.
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    ...like a Speedo.
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    Or you nod your head in approval whenever you see someone sporting a patriotic Speedo.
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    You’ve defended your more questionable actions by saying, “WELL, IT’S A FREE COUNTRY.”
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    And you never think there’s an inappropriate moment to beat your chest and shout “AMURICA!”
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    You've perfected the art of burger grilling.
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    You know how to arrange a beautiful assortment of red, white, and blue foods for picnics.
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    None of which involve fruits or vegetables.
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    You know apple pie is its own goddamn food group.
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    You silently judge anyone who selects blueberry over apple pie.
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    As in they deserve to be kicked out of any Memorial Day picnic for bringing that shit.
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    You recognize that the McDonald's golden arches are the true gateway to this beautiful country.
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    And a great place to get burgers.
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    You religiously support carbs because you know they originated in the U.S.
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    You’ve had the urge to petition for french fries to be called AMERICAN fries.
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    You believe the Super Bowl should be declared a national holiday.
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    You call soccer by its god-given name (soccer).
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    Because you know what football really is, and it’s American, damnit.
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    You know the World Cup has no place on your screen unless the U.S. is playing.
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    Same with the Olympics.
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    And you only watch the Olympics to support your beautiful, glorious country.
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    You drive a Ford or Chevy.
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    Because you know foreign cars are just fancy wagons with metal roofs.
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    If someone offers you an IPA you smash it into the ground while handing them a Budweiser.
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    You drink out of red solo cups as an act of faith.
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    With a burger in the other hand.
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    You line your yard with American flags on patriotic holidays.
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    You line your yard with American flags year-round.
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    Watching fireworks on the 4th of July is a sacred event.
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    You’ve paid homage to your country by setting off your own fireworks.
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    You’ve injured yourself while setting off your own fireworks.
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    But you don’t care because it was done in the name of goddamn PATRIOTISM.
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    Any song with USA in the title makes you tear up with pride.
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    Even “Party in the USA.” Bless you, Miley Cyrus.
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    You’ve watched all 14 seasons of "American Idol," because it has American in the title.
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    You YouTube Bill Pullman's "Independence Day" speech when you need a pick-me-up.
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    You’re from Texas.
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    You’ve started a “USA! USA!” chant at at a sporting event.
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    ...Even though both teams were from the U.S.
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    You’ve started a “USA! USA!” chant at a non-sporting event.
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    Like while walking around Disney World.
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    And when you went to Disney World, you spent the entire time at the American Adventure because that’s the BEST goddamn place to be.
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    You have an American flag tattoo on your bicep.
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    You have an American flag tattoo on your bicep with a Founding Father quote.
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    You have a portrait of a Founding Father tattooed on your bicep with the flag in the background.
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    You own a denim jacket with the American flag embroidered on the back.
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    You own a denim jacket with a BEDAZZLED American flag embroidered on the back.
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    You own a pair of Levi's with the American flag embroidered on the butt pockets.
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    You’ve painted your face red, white, and blue.
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    You’ve also painted your face red, white, and blue on days that weren’t national holidays.
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    You know the metric system has no place here, and it’s corrupting the minds of children.
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    You decide if a food is worth eating based on whether or not it would be served at a carnival.
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    You bowed your head in sorrow when the greatest feat of American engineering — the Hostess Twinkie — was discontinued.
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    You took the time to learn how to square-dance in the name of preserving your American culture.
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    You swell with pride when you think of the ways Americans have revolutionized the use of bacon.
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    Same with Heinz ketchup.
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    And you recognize both go great on burgers.
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    You’ve seen a bald eagle.
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    You’ve rescued a bald eagle.
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    You nursed that bald eagle back to health.
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    You’ve googled if it’s legal to keep a bald eagle as a pet.
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    The National Anthem is your favorite part of attending a sporting event.
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    You silently sing along while softly weeping as you clutch your baseball hat to your chest.
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    Because you’re wearing a baseball hat. Because it’s American.
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    You want to re-enact the Boston Tea Party with lean meats.
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    Same with vegetables.
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    Unless they’re fried. Fried vegetables are good.
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    You sometimes become so overwhelmed with the joy of being an American that you drop to your knees and kiss the sweet, liberated soil.
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    And you wake up every morning goddamn blessed to be in the U.S. of A.
 
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