You have at least one item of clothing with red, white, and blue on it.You have at least two items of clothing with red, white, and blue on it.Half of your wardrobe is red, white, and blue.And you wear this patriotic clothing on days other than holidays.You also own a piece of swimwear with a flag on it....like a Speedo.Or you nod your head in approval whenever you see someone sporting a patriotic Speedo.You’ve defended your more questionable actions by saying, “WELL, IT’S A FREE COUNTRY.”And you never think there’s an inappropriate moment to beat your chest and shout “AMURICA!”You've perfected the art of burger grilling.You know how to arrange a beautiful assortment of red, white, and blue foods for picnics.None of which involve fruits or vegetables.You know apple pie is its own goddamn food group.You silently judge anyone who selects blueberry over apple pie.As in they deserve to be kicked out of any Memorial Day picnic for bringing that shit.You recognize that the McDonald's golden arches are the true gateway to this beautiful country.And a great place to get burgers.You religiously support carbs because you know they originated in the U.S.You’ve had the urge to petition for french fries to be called AMERICAN fries.You believe the Super Bowl should be declared a national holiday.You call soccer by its god-given name (soccer).Because you know what football really is, and it’s American, damnit.You know the World Cup has no place on your screen unless the U.S. is playing.Same with the Olympics.And you only watch the Olympics to support your beautiful, glorious country.You drive a Ford or Chevy.Because you know foreign cars are just fancy wagons with metal roofs.If someone offers you an IPA you smash it into the ground while handing them a Budweiser.You drink out of red solo cups as an act of faith.With a burger in the other hand.You line your yard with American flags on patriotic holidays.You line your yard with American flags year-round.Watching fireworks on the 4th of July is a sacred event.You’ve paid homage to your country by setting off your own fireworks.You’ve injured yourself while setting off your own fireworks.But you don’t care because it was done in the name of goddamn PATRIOTISM.Any song with USA in the title makes you tear up with pride.Even “Party in the USA.” Bless you, Miley Cyrus.You’ve watched all 14 seasons of "American Idol," because it has American in the title.You YouTube Bill Pullman's "Independence Day" speech when you need a pick-me-up.You’re from Texas.You’ve started a “USA! USA!” chant at at a sporting event....Even though both teams were from the U.S.You’ve started a “USA! USA!” chant at a non-sporting event.Like while walking around Disney World.And when you went to Disney World, you spent the entire time at the American Adventure because that’s the BEST goddamn place to be.You have an American flag tattoo on your bicep.You have an American flag tattoo on your bicep with a Founding Father quote.You have a portrait of a Founding Father tattooed on your bicep with the flag in the background.You own a denim jacket with the American flag embroidered on the back.You own a denim jacket with a BEDAZZLED American flag embroidered on the back.You own a pair of Levi's with the American flag embroidered on the butt pockets.You’ve painted your face red, white, and blue.You’ve also painted your face red, white, and blue on days that weren’t national holidays.You know the metric system has no place here, and it’s corrupting the minds of children.You decide if a food is worth eating based on whether or not it would be served at a carnival.You bowed your head in sorrow when the greatest feat of American engineering — the Hostess Twinkie — was discontinued.You took the time to learn how to square-dance in the name of preserving your American culture.You swell with pride when you think of the ways Americans have revolutionized the use of bacon.Same with Heinz ketchup.And you recognize both go great on burgers.You’ve seen a bald eagle.You’ve rescued a bald eagle.You nursed that bald eagle back to health.You’ve googled if it’s legal to keep a bald eagle as a pet.The National Anthem is your favorite part of attending a sporting event.You silently sing along while softly weeping as you clutch your baseball hat to your chest.Because you’re wearing a baseball hat. Because it’s American.You want to re-enact the Boston Tea Party with lean meats.Same with vegetables.Unless they’re fried. Fried vegetables are good.You sometimes become so overwhelmed with the joy of being an American that you drop to your knees and kiss the sweet, liberated soil.And you wake up every morning goddamn blessed to be in the U.S. of A.
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