16 Things Dudes Need To Stop Wearing In 2016

I'm only yelling because I care.

1. Slouchy and/or reservoir-tip beanies.

bet.com / Via rap-up.com

Your head looks like a used condom.

I went to Urban Outfitters dot com to try to find a pic of a slouchy beanie and EVEN UO IS POST-SLOUCH and you should be too.

Why don't you just: Wear a regular beanie (like a $5 one from Army surplus).

2. Thin, wispy scarves.

Guillaume Souvant / AFP / Getty Images

There's no functional reason for a light-ass scarf, and they don't look good, so like...

Why don't you just: Wear a simple, well-made scarf that will keep you warm.

3. Pants tucked into your fucking boots.

http://www.selectism.com/2011/03/02/balmain-autumnwinter-2011-looks/#slide-2

http://www.selectism.com/2011/03/02/balmain-autumnwinter-2011-looks/#slide-2

Unless there is 6-plus inches of snow on the ground, there's absolutely no reason to do this except to look like an affected twat. Listen to people who know.

Why don't you just: Not tuck your pants into your boots?

4. Fucking jogger pants.

express.com

A trend you will regret when you look at pictures of yourself in two years. A trend sprung from the desire to show off your sneakers. A trend best avoided.

Why don't you just: Get pants with a normal taper, break, and leg opening?

5. "Crutched" fucking jeans.

kicks-daily.com

"Crutching" or "pegging" is when dudes actually take the time to fold their cuffs in a way that makes them tight around the ankle, like joggers, to show off sneakers. It is the height of unnecessary affectation.

Why don't you just: See above.

6. Pants cropped up on your fucking calf, fuck.

Mike Coppola / Getty Images

Pants should hit near the top of the ankle. You don't need to go any higher no matter what any fucking magazine tells you. You look like you're wading through a puddle.

Why don't you just: Wear pants that break above the ankle and not have to worry about looking like a tool.

7. Shoes without socks in winter.

the-popinjay.tumblr.com

It doesn't matter if you saw it in GQ.

Why don't you just: Wear socks?

8. Low-rise jeans.

levi.com

Why don't you just: Learn the difference.

9. A Mad Men costume, basically.

AMC

Wearing a fucking tie bar doesn't make you look classy or well-dressed. Unless you're going to put the time and money into the tailoring required to look actually as good as Roger Sterling, save yourself the attempt. You're not comfortable in that costume and everyone can tell.

Why don't you just: Start with the simplest two-button suit you can afford, without all the bullshit accessories.

10. Boat shoes in place of loafers.

sperry.com

allenedmonds.com

They're not the same thing, and they can't be worn in the same way.

Why don't you just: Get some actual loafers and save the boat shoes for your actual boat.

11. Skintight jeans.

Eamonn M. Mccormack / Getty Images

Are you a rock star? No? Then you don't have the swagger to wear skintight jeans.

Why don't you just: Get some pants that fit: not too slim, not too baggy. Your balls will thank you.

12. Fucking suit vests without a jacket.

eilermst.tumblr.com

Who told you this looked good? Who told you this was OK? You don't and it's not. Even a full-on three-piece is probably best left alone unless you look like Ryan Gosling.

Why don't you just: Not.

13. Newsboy caps.

Michael Loccisano / Getty Images

Not...reallly...ever...a reason to...

Why don't you just: Wear a simple ball cap.

...or otherwise dressing like a Mumford & Son.

Jason Merritt / Getty Images

Just nah.

14. Loose ties.

Furtaev / Getty Images

Having your tie a little loose can work if you're wearing a sport shirt. But if you're out here with a knot down on your chest, you need to turn around, find a mirror, and tighten it up or take it off.

Why don't you just: Wear the tie the way it was intended?

15. Graphic tees with "clever" or "ironic" shit on them.

urbanoutfitters.com

How fucking old are you? Do you really want people to know how unfunny you are before even talking to you?

Why don't you just: Wear a plain ol' tee.

16. Shoes that look like this:

shop.nordstrom.com

...or this.

zappos.com

The shoe is where literally 98% of dudes fuck their whole life up. And shoes are the first thing potential mates look at to judge whether or not you're a garbage person. They're important.

Why don't you just: Remember simpler is almost always better when it comes to shoes.