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A Serious Investigation Into SpongeBob's Sexual Practices

I'm sorry.

The internet: a place where people take your beloved childhood memories and twist them with their dirty minds.

Twitter: @c0mic_sans

The meme above shows just one example of this, with two different instances of SpongeBob appearing to perform fellatio on Squidward. Hmm.

Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that SpongeBob does occasionally perform fellatio. Is he actually good at it?


In the first image Squidward appears to be having a pleasurable experience. The second image is unclear. Squidward seems to be struggling, but maybe he just ejaculated, and SpongeBob is continuing to suck on the penis, creating an intense and uncomfortable sensation.

Here SpongeBob is in a compromising position with Purple Doctorfish.

The doctor's expression indicates some initial trepidation followed by relieved pleasure.

The sample size is small, but the evidence suggests that SpongeBob is mediocre at giving head.


But, digging further, what can we speculate based on what we know about SpongeBob?

Riccardo_mojana / Getty Images

The theme song states SpongeBob is "absorbent and yellow and porous." Basically, the perfect receptacle for semen.

But it is unclear if the inside of his mouth is soft and moist like a human mouth, or rough and scratchy like a sea sponge.

SpongeBob does have the ability to move with extreme rapidity and is known for his intense enthusiasm, both of which could be advantageous when applied to blowjobs.

Again, the evidence is inconclusive.

  1. So what do you think, would SpongeBob give good head?

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So what do you think, would SpongeBob give good head?
    vote votes
    Probably not, but he seems willing — I'd let him try at least.
    vote votes
    Yeah — I mean, "porous is he..."
    vote votes
    No, real sponges are rough and that shit would tear your dick up.
    vote votes
    Probably. I'm worried about those teeth, though.

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