20 Lessons That The Television Series "Girlfriends" Has Taught Me

Girlfriends will teach you a lot about life.

The television show Girlfriends is a groundbreaking series that contained a nuanced and diverse representation of Black women.

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Girlfriends'  interpretation of Black sisterhood and camaraderie was dynamic, and has become the blueprint for shows like Issa Rae’s Insecure and Tracy Oliver’s Harlem. Influential and inspiring, the early-2000s television show is still just as relevant today for this generation as it was for Gen X back then. 

After binge-watching Girlfriends for the second time this year, I realized that there were many important takeaways that could be learned from each of the main characters. Here are the five major life lessons that I learned from the four lead characters on Girlfriends: Joan (Tracee Ellis Ross), Maya (Golden Brooks), Lynn (Persia White) and Toni (Jill Marie Jones).

Joan Carol Clayton

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1. Once you’re dubbed as the “maternal friend," you will always be expected to be one.

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Throughout the series, Joan always took on the maternal friend role, making it her duty to always be a soft spot for her girlfriends to land if they fell. Oftentimes Joan would forgo her own feelings just to please her friends, allowing them to repeatedly trample over her boundaries. 

Because they all viewed her as the maternal friend figure, they continuously expected her to be a support system for them, while only occasionally being a support system for her. In watching that, I learned that once you’re dubbed the “maternal friend” in a friend group, then that’s the role you will constantly be expected to play. So be careful when you embrace and accept the position as the “mom friend.”

2. Don’t force romantic relationships.

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Joan is driven, focused, and steadfast — everything that enables her to succeed as a lawyer. It’s also what’s the downfall of her romantic relationships. Each time Joan tried to make a relationship work by forcing compatibility and ignoring red flags, a bad breakup always ensued.

If anything could be learned from Joan's love life it’s that you DON’T FORCE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS OR CONNECTIONS. IT'S A WASTE OF TIME.

3. Don’t be afraid to be alone.

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Most of the time, Joan’s actions stemmed from her fear of being alone. Hence, why she always foot the bill for her mooching friend Lynn and sometimes the rest of her girlfriends. Additionally, it's also why she put up with her mean-girl friend Toni's antics and allowed Maya to take advantage of her kindness consistently. 

It's also the reason why she put up with poor behavior from some of her boyfriends. Joan taught me that the fear of being alone opens the doorway for friends and lovers to take more than they give.

4. Don’t obsess over getting married by a certain age.

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There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married; however, stressing and obsessing about making it to the altar by a certain age can pose an issue. After binge-watching the Girlfriends series, I observed how Joan’s desperation to be married by 30 contributed to her forming connections with problematic men. 

5. Don’t let toxic friends back in your life.

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Some things should be left in the past and not be resurrected. While I do understand why Joan and Toni became friends again — the success of the television series depended on it — I wouldn’t recommend that in a real-life situation. From the jump, Toni had always been a fake friend to Joan, proving that on more than one occasion. 

Like when she tried to sleep with Joan's boyfriend — after already dating her ex in Season 1 — and told Joan’s boss about her boyfriend being a sex addict in Season 2.  Although Joan did cut Toni off for that, she ended up allowing her back in her life in Season 3. Of course, Toni still had the same frenemy energy in later seasons. If you learn nothing else from Joan, learn that once you cut a toxic friend out of your life, don’t let them back in.

Antoinette (Toni) Marie Childs

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6. Pampering yourself should be a lifestyle.

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Yes, Toni was selfish, narcissistic, and an unreliable friend, but she also was the Queen of self-care. Whatever Toni needed to do to make sure she was taken care of, she did, whether it was taking a spa day, going on a shopping spree, or getting a mani-pedi. 

Ms. Toni Childs constantly pampered herself in various ways, and never felt guilty about doing so. A lesson I learned from Toni is that pampering yourself should not just be sporadic — it should be a way of life.  

7. Always be confident.

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Confidence is key, and Toni had lots of it. Toni’s confidence is why she thrived as a real estate broker and as an entrepreneur. Ms. Toni taught me that no matter what, as long as you're confident, you can succeed at anything in life. 

8. Make sure you have an emergency savings fund.

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Every woman needs a nest egg, just like Toni had. Seeing that Toni had a secret untouched fund that had acquired $500,000 made me take note. No matter what, you always need to have "just in case" money saved. 

9. Heal your childhood trauma.

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Throughout the show, we see how Toni’s childhood trauma affected her ability to love and maintain healthy give-and-take relationships. She ruined her relationship with her first love Gregg (Chuma Gault) and struggled to show affection to her husband Dr. Todd Garrett (Jason Pace) while they were married because of her unresolved childhood issues. 

Toni also was unable to be a dependable friend to her BFF Joan and often took their friendship for granted because of her trauma. Before you ruin meaningful romantic relationships and inadvertently hurt your best friends, it's imperative that you heal your inner-child.

10. Always believe in yourself.

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Whatever Toni Childs wanted, Toni Childs got. She never relied on anyone besides herself, and that was because she always believed in herself and her capabilities. One of the most prominent lessons that I took away from her character is to always have faith in yourself. 

Maya Wilkes

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11. Don’t be scared to keep it real.

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Maya always spoke her mind and kept it all the way real at any given moment. She was truly herself all the time and didn’t care about the shadiness that came her way from Toni because of it. Maya’s ability to fearlessly voice her opinion at any time is a major takeaway from her character.  

12. Follow your dreams.

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It’s never too late, and Maya proved that when she turned a college English class assignment into a self-help book and earned herself a book publishing deal. She followed her dreams of wanting to be a successful career woman, and it paid off. I realized by watching Maya that you can be anything you want as long as you’re willing to follow your dreams.

13. Be perseverant.

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When Maya is determined to do something, she does it. Her perseverance is what prompted her to pursue completing her college degree, even though she had to start off as a freshman instead of a junior like she was supposed to. Maya's perseverance also prompted her to sell her self-help book all over LA until she turned a profit. Perseverance is something that is evident in Maya’s character, and her determination teaches viewers that you can make it as long as you persevere.

14. Don’t be too judgmental.

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Being overly judgmental can land you in the same place as the people that you're judging. In the beginning, Maya harshly judged Toni for having an affair on her boyfriend Gregg just to turn around and have an affair on her husband Darnell. Not to mention, it was also the reason she had the propensity to think her girlfriends were being judgmental of the things she was going through. Even when they weren't.

15. Be authentically yourself. Always.

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No matter where she is, Maya is always 100% herself in any given situation. Being courageous enough to always be authentically yourself is another big thing I take away from Maya.

Lynn Ann Searcy

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16. Have some life goals.

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Lynn always classified herself as a free spirit that liked to go with the flow, and her carefree mentality was always the root of her instability and lack of success. I learned that unless you have some life goals set, you are bound to be financially unstable, and homeless. Just like Lynn was almost the entire series. Lynn's life is really a cautionary tale for me. 

17. Don’t make excuses.

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There was so much talent in Lynn, but it was constantly underutilized because she always made excuses for her lack of effort in life. She either couldn't do something great because it was always too hard, or didn't try and do something great because she was too afraid to fail.

18. Stay focused.

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Lynn always jumped from one thing to another. Her quirky and eccentric personality prompted her to explore many different things occupationally and sexually. Watching Lynn constantly shift focus whenever the wind blew taught me that losing focus too much will prevent you from making any real strides in life. 

19. Being excessively dependent on your friends lessens their respect for you.

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We all should be able to depend on our friends in times of need; however, Lynn was excessively dependent. She was practically a leech, no shade intended. While all of Lynn's friends were willing to help her, her continuous need was a nuisance to them. 

She often was teased by the rest of the friend group because of her inability to get her life together. Maya even went as far as telling Lynn that she didn't respect her because she thought she was lazy and habitually wasted her potential. I learned quickly from watching the series that the more you overly depend on your friends, the more their respect for you declines.

20. Having a slew of college degrees and post-grad degrees is a waste of money unless you utilize them.

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Lynn may have been unmotivated and somewhat lazy, but she wasn't stupid at all. She had multiple post-grad degrees and often contributed valuable, insightful opinions to the group discussions on Girlfriends. Lynn could've done something game changing with her degrees, but she didn't — making it clear to Joan and Toni she only got post-grad education to prolong getting a real job. 

Eventually, Lynn did put her education to use as documentarist, but that was short-lived. Lynn never really saw a return on her college investment because she never used any of her degrees. The biggest lesson I learned from Lynn is that college degrees are a waste of time and money if you don't find a way to utilize them.

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