Whether you've been in a relationship for two weeks or two years, sometimes people just aren't who you originally thought they were. It may be all sunshine and rainbows in the beginning, but once those rose-tinted glasses come off, sometimes you're met with a person you don't actually like a whole lot after all.
Redditor u/NTSTwitch asked, "What seemingly harmless personality traits ended up turning out to be a dealbreaker in your relationships?" Here are some of the most common traits that started out alright, but ended up being major relationship red flags:
1. "When they're sweet and adoring towards you, but a complete monster to anyone/everyone else. Yeah, it’s not that they have a soft spot just for you! That only lasts so long before they switch up on you, too."
"At first I was like, 'Wow, he’s protective of the ones he cares about, and to him, the rest of the world can go fuck itself!' But over time, I realized that wasn’t an admirable trait even if he personally treated me well. I want someone who will treat everyone with respect and, for example, not park wherever he wanted, even if it meant screwing other cars over."
2. "Agreeability. After a while, you realize they never make any decisions and just go with whatever you want to do, which makes it so that you make literally all the decisions. It's exhausting."
"It's exhausting and it gets boring after a while. It's nice to be with someone that has their own opinions and ideas. Like, you ask what they want to do this weekend, and it's always, 'Whatever you want.' Any thoughts on dinner? 'Whatever you want.' At some point it's, like, please, have an interesting idea or a mind of your own!"
3. "The 'tell it like it is' personality. At first, it seemed like an admirable trait, being with someone that’s blunt and straightforward. But after a while, I realized they just didn’t want to be held accountable or questioned for saying awful things."
4. "When they're always funny. It’s fine to be funny, but it becomes a problem when the person prioritizes that over being kind. They’ll say something critical or sarcastic and try to hide behind 'humor.' Or, 'being funny' is such a big part of their identity that they will prioritize that over every else. I wish in my younger days I had prioritized kindness over being funny in men I dated."
"My ex-husband was always 'on.' At first, it was one of my favorite things about him, but over time it became exhausting. We could never have a serious conversation, or any true intimate moments because there always had to be a joke in everything."
5. "Being clingy. It might be cute at the beginning, but it turns out to be really stressful when you can't have a day for yourself for, like, the whole relationship."
"Calls, uninvited visits, etc. can start off really nice as a sign of them thinking/caring about you, but can also be a big red flag that you might be dealing with a control freak. I'd tell them I didn't want them to come over this day/weekend/whatever and they would still do it. Or, they'd call constantly when they know you're busy, because they want attention, not caring that you don't have time at the moment."
6. "Confidence. It's not the case all the time, but it can easily be cockiness in disguise. It quickly turns into them being condescending, and that seeps into all interactions and builds animosity."
7. "Passiveness. They were passive about everything, including what they wanted for their future, career, money, etc. There wasn’t one thing in their life that they desired for themselves."
"It's a terrifying feeling that I’m the only hope of us having savings, a house, helping the kids if we have some, moving if we want. It’s basically all on my shoulders. I realized some people just want to live day by day and never plan anything and pretend they’ll never get older and wish they had. Even if he couldn’t, just having any ambition or goals is good."
8. "Excessive porn consumption. I never dealt with it in my previous relationship of 15 years, but I'm learning the degree of it in my new relationship. It's such a huge turn-off and we are expected to just accept it because 'that's how men are, they are visual creatures.' I'm learning that daily porn consumption is a boundary of mine."
9. "Conflict avoidance. Nobody wants to fight all the time, but an inability to have a disagreement without shutting down completely is not sustainable in an adult relationship. It only builds resentment."
"My ex was petrified to address anything that even remotely bothered him in our relationship. Which seemed like a good thing at first, because we never fought. What actually ended up happening was I assumed everything was great for the last six months of our relationship, and he had this growing hate/resentment towards me the whole time."
10. "Alternatively, disputatiousness. At first, it felt like fun banter, but after a few years, it was exhausting how he ALWAYS had to be right. We couldn’t even have minor disagreements about something small like who the actor in a movie was without it becoming a whole thing. Never mind if we actually needed to discuss something serious."
11. "Him being a social butterfly. He was always extremely social and friendly. Turns out he was always seeing who he could reel in for later and had more backburners than a restaurant. He always talked to women and exchanged info to see how far he could get. There was lots of emotional cheating and eventually affairs. Needless to say, he was extremely insecure and needed constant female validation from many sources."
12. "Being super attentive about spending money. Saving is one thing, being obsessive about not spending is something else entirely. Gifts were never fun because it always turned into a debate about how much things cost."
"This is a big one. It's not the same thing as simply being fiscally responsible. I've ended friendships over penny-pinching and compulsive desires not to spend money. Like, you do you, but I'd rather not have to split bills down to the cent when we go out."
13. And finally, "Being a people pleaser. I used to think they were generous people with kind hearts, but over time I learned not to trust them because they’re not true to themselves and are very resentful people due to their inability to say how they really feel. They do nice things to 'get' you to like them, not because they actually want to. I don’t like that."
Did we miss any? If you feel comfortable, tell us about them in the comments below.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.