THE 90S SHOWS I SHOULD HAVE LET GO

The nineties were television golden years as far as I am concerned. X Files, Rocko’s Modern Life, Friends, Frontline, Seinfeld, Twin Peaks, Party of Five and Beverly Hills 90210 to name just a few of the classic shows we were served up on a nightly basis. But, beware. Many of these do not stand up to a reviewing. Here are 10 shows that, like many of their stars, have not aged well. First published on Spookmag.com

10. The X Files

Perk up, Mulder, you sulky bastard. The brooding determination that Fox Mulder projected through our screens in the nineties, is just downright depressing today. Get a smoothie, Mulder. Read a magazine. Take a break. While his commitment to his work might have translated to a troubled, brilliant and sexy mind in the nineties, today it’s just terrifying. Someone stage an intervention

9. Beverly Hills 90210

Still my postcode of choice when I’m signing up for something online that requires a US address. This show had it all. Luke Perry, a student magazine with a committed editor AND cameos by the Flaming Lips? Yeaaaah. But in retrospect, these were deeply troubled teens crying out for some parental attention. Sure, they had cars and money and no apparent curfews (except for the Walshes, those squares) but why was no-one helping Donna with her hair? Why did Brandon have to fix everything? What is an Ian Ziering? I can’t watch this now without wondering why Nat from the Peach Pit didn’t have social services on speed dial.

8. Lift Off

Lift Off was meant to be an educational program, each week dealing with different social issues. It was even based on the ideas of a Harvard University professor. In reality, however, it was a waking nightmare for anyone who watched it. From the terrifying magic lift, Lotis, to Beverly, the documentary playing one eyed plant in the foyer to the ultimate in Lift Off nightmare fodder, EC the faceless puppet baby. EC stood for Every Child. Which in turn was short for Every Child Sleeps In Their Parent’s Bed Now.

Lift Off might have been scary as a child, but to rewatch it as an adult is the worst. It’s like the creators anticipated your future… experimentation, and wanted to implant in you some terrifying memories for you to bring to the surface during bad trips. The baby scene from Trainspotting would not have been out of place in Lift Off.

7. Baywatch

Technically this show began in ’89, but it was canned and started again in earnest in ’91.

Mitch Bucchannon was the only consistent character over 11 seasons. Retrospectively, I think we can all agree that there is something wrong with a show if it’s most consistent feature is David Hasselhoff. Of course, back then we hadn’t seen the burger video.

Plot conflicts on this show included: earthquakes, serial killers, nuclear bombs, sharks and the almost weekly drowning. Note, only sharks and drowning make sense given the lifeguard setting of the show. But this isn’t why this show is a disaster now. It’s the high cut bathing suits. Oh dear me.

6. Party of Five

We loved a bit of tragedy in the nineties. This show is ruined for me, not because of the show itself, but because of an interview Lacey Chambert gave while it was still running, in which she described her first kiss. Sadly, this first kiss was also her first on screen kiss. According to this particular interview, after The Kiss she locked herself in a cupboard and cried. Real emotion clashed with TV emotion, and ruined it.

I also felt sad for the child stars of this show, who during interviews were inevitably asked “Are you different to your character” with even more inevitable answer “well, my parents weren’t killed in a car accident, leaving my irresponsible older brother to bring up me and my siblings. Oh, also in real life I have a dog called Champy.”

Any way you look at it, Party of Five is unwatchable now. Some would argue that it was unwatchable then as well.

5. Twin Peaks

I think we've finally reached a time where people can admit they just didn't get it, and instead of being driven from the city by a pitchfork wielding crowd, everyone just nods in agreement. Without the immense feeling of superiority you got from even pretending you understood it, what's the point? (Kyle McLaughlin, I know. He's even better in Blue Velvet though).

4. 3rd Rock From The Sun

Remember when 30 Rock came out, and everyone was like ‘Whoa now, too similar to 3rd Rock, this will never work’, but then watched the first episode and everyone completely forgot 3rd Rock was until Joseph Gordon-Levitt got super famous and everyone wondered where they recognised him from?

This had the most excellent cast. John Lithgow, Kristen Johnston, Jane Curtin, French Stewart, and the aforementioned Gordon-Levitt. But, it’s not the nineties anymore, and even these outstanding actors can’t re-ignite our flame for shows about aliens. We’re all about zombies, drug dealers and fantasy now. Also, it was really, really… stupid.

3. NYPD BLUE

Oh god, the grit! So gritty! I once heard a rumour that Jimmy Smits was offered his role as Detective Bobby Simone purely based on the fact his surname rhymes with grits. That's how gritty this show was.

We aren't so much about grit now though, instead of detectives on the beat, we want scientists in the lab or inexplicably armed psychologists taking down crims. What's the opposite of grit? Numb3rs?

2. Babysitters Club

Admittedly, the TV series was clearly secondary to the brilliant books. However, when watched through today’s eyes, too many questions are raised. Why are so many parents willing to let 13 year olds look after their kids? Was Dawn’s mother a fully blown psychopath? How come no-one commented on the fact the Australian family were called the Hobarts? Why wasn’t Claudia using that private phone line for evil? Babysitting is relegated to only two on screen roles today; a plot device for including extended family in a storyline and

1. The Ren and Stimpy Show

As far as shows that didn’t age well go, Ren and Stimpy suffered the worst. Not only do we have way better animated shows here in the future, the gross out quality of Ren and Stimpy is just lame now. LAME. This show did pave the way for some great shows, including South Park, that doesn’t even come close to redeeming this show. The DVD extras on this DVD should be the only thing on the DVD. If you loved Ren and Stimpy in the 90s, heed this advice, you can never go back.