Parents Are Sharing The Most Embarrassing Things Their Toddlers Said In Public, And I'm Scheduling A Vasectomy
"He pointed at a stranger and said, 'Look, that lady isn't a virgin!'"
In a hugely viral Reddit thread, u/chtoupe11 asked the AskReddit community, "Parents of Reddit, what is the most embarrassing thing your toddler said out loud in public?"
Naturally, parents (plus some siblings, aunts and uncles, and even random bystanders) had plenty of stories. Here are some of the funniest, most cringe-inducing ones:
1. The encouraging toddler:
"In a public restroom, I had my toddler with me in the stall, where she loudly exclaimed, 'Wow! That’s a really big poop! Good job, mommy!'"
2. The kid who wanted to share some exciting news:
"Disclaimer: This was not my toddler, but a toddler said this to me while I was waiting in the grocery line: 'I have a vagina and new party shoes!'
Really, what else do you need?"
3. The girl who had a request:
"My niece once announced at a family dinner that she wanted a fuck, loudly. We all turned and looked at this little 3-year-old, and her mother said she'd work on speech therapy with her as she handed her daughter a FORK."
4. The 4-year-old who was a little too clever:
"My 4-year-old son was misbehaving in a store, and I told him if he didn't control himself, we were going to leave. He escalated, and I picked him up and carried him through the entire store. He was surprisingly putting up little fight. As we pass the checkout lanes, he loudly says 'Hey mister, put me down!' I didn't hesitate, didn't make eye contact with anyone, just turned beet red and kept marching out the door."
5. The kid who couldn't wait for the moment of silence to end:
"During a private Remembrance Day (Armistice Day) ceremony with veterans, my 3-year-old soiled her diaper. I changed her in a back room and when we came out, it was the moment of silence. She slammed the door and yelled to all the vets, 'I just had a BIG poo! And it had PEANUTS in it!'"
6. The sibling who learned something new:
"My youngest sibling is 10+ years my junior, so I grew up with him embarrassing me in public.
The worst was around Christmas one year when we went to Walmart after going to a church service. The service was about the virgin birth and how no other virgin had ever had a baby before. My brother was probably about 4 or 5 at the time, so while he didn't know exactly what made someone a virgin, that service taught him virgins couldn't have babies.
Anyway, we're in the checkout line and behind us is a woman who is obviously pregnant. My brother points to her and says very loudly, 'Look, that lady isn't a virgin!'"
7. The 3-year-old who realized something out of nowhere:
"At the grocery store with my boys, 2 and 3. Suddenly, without any context, the 3-year-old broke his silence to scream at the cashier, 'Mama's wiener is missing!'"
8. The baby who's already acting like a boss:
"My daughter is 16 months. When she is done interacting with someone, she will dismissively wave her hand and say 'All done! Bye!' My wife doesn't like it, but I think it's funny and a total power move."
9. The kid who meant well:
"My wife had my 3-year-old at the park one day. [My wife] decided to pick up some litter to make the park look nicer, so she was throwing away pop bottles, chip bags, etc. and he wanted to help.
He stoops to pick up some cigarette butts and my wife says 'leave those to mommy' (she wasn't going to pick them up, but didn't want him to touch them either).
A few minutes later, he has gone to play. He tells another mom, 'I'm finding cigarettes for mommy.'
My wife was so embarrassed and said she got the dirtiest looks from nearby parents who heard this."
10. The Target announcer:
"I was in Target with my 4-year-old boy twins. One has a nervous habit of grabbing his parts. I quietly said to him 'let go, hands off dude' and he yells at the top of his lungs, 'BUT MAMA, MY PENIS WONT GO DOWN!' I don’t think I’ve ever left Target so fast."
11. The kid who just really wanted that truck:
"My friend's daughter (about 2.5 years old) saw another kid in the grocery store with a toy truck, and out of nowhere says 'I want that fuckin' truck...' in an angry tone.
Not the funniest thing to read, I know, but we’ve been saying that in a baby voice for the last few years and it always cracks us up."
12. The kid who threatened something that sounded wayyyyyyy worse than it was:
"At a fairly nice restaurant, my brother was teasing my daughter, and my daughter screamed at him to stop and threatened to call him the N word.
(The N word was nipple.)"
13. The kid who knows it's five o'clock somewhere:
"When I was little (under 5), my dad would jokingly ask if I wanted a cold beer. I would always respond with 'no.' Until one day when we were in the grocery store, he asked if I wanted anything, to which I replied, 'A cold beer,' while we were standing in line."
14. The daughter who was technically correct:
"I was with a group of friends and was asked if I drink. I said I don't really, and my daughter said, 'But mom, you drink all the time.' She had no idea the difference between drinking alcohol and drinking everything else."
15. The girl who just wanted everyone to know:
"Carrying my daughter back from the bathroom through a crowded hipster brunch spot while she shouted 'HE FARTED!!' at every single table. In case there was any confusion, she was also pointing at my face."
16. The kindergartener who had such confidence, but was so wrong:
"When my daughter was in kindergarten, she overheard some people speaking another language in a store. She asked what it was and they said 'Portuguese.' She was so excited and said, 'I know that language!' then bowed and said 'Konichiwa.'"
17. And finally, the boy who memorized one of the most inappropriate songs he could manage:
"My son has a knack for remembering songs after only hearing them once or twice. I didn't realize that he knew 'Let's Get It On' until we were at the supermarket and he started singing along really loudly. Funny, but also mortifying."