91 Things I Screamed Or Rolled My Eyes About During "Game Of Thrones" Episode 5
"Bring back the Night King."
1. I'd love it if we got through tonight without another dragon dying.
2. That's probably wishful thinking, right?
3. Drogon's pretty much at the top of my death pool.
4. Well, that "previously on" really set up the Mad Queen idea pretty hard.
5. Oh damn, Varys writing a scroll about the true heir to the Iron Throne. That usually doesn't end well for people.
6. Varys is gonna get poor little Martha killed, isn't he?
7. That's not gonna go over well with Ser Davos, Protector of Children (But Frequently Failing At It).
8. Literally all Jon wants is a nap, the poor guy.
9. Honestly, bold move by Varys suggesting a coup to the queen's frickin' boyfriend.
10. I know everyone's like "Mad Queen" this and "Mad Queen" that, but literally everyone around Dany just makes dumb decisions all day.
11. "Hey Jon, don't tell anyone; it'll be a shitshow." And then what does he do?
12. He practically tweeted it.
13. Or maybe he told Sansa and SHE tweeted it.
14. I mean, hasn't he SEEN Sophie Turner's Instagram?
15. This is the most extra execution I've ever seen.
16. A cliffside? At night? With torches? They could've done this after breakfast TBH.
17. "Goodbye old friend." Aww I kinda felt that one.
18. Oh, AND he's being burned by Drogon? So fuckin' unnecessarily extra.
19. Dany just called him Grey Worm in Valyrian: Torgo Nudho. Neat.
20. Tyrion probably should've had this conversation with Dany before he turned Varys in.
21. Oh shit, Jaime's a prisoner?
22. Hahaha that's what he gets.
23. I never get tired of Tyrion trying to speak Valyrian and failing miserably.
24. Jaime got caught because he didn't take off his hand? Yep, stupidest Lannister.
25. Which makes me very concerned about Tyrion putting this plan in Jaime's dumbass hands.
26. Peter Dinklage is kinda breaking my heart with this scene though.
27. Fuckin' Euron. Those are the words that pop into my head every time he shows up. Just...fuckin' Euron.
28. Man, Arya and the Hound made good time.
29. Shouldn't Arya have a face on already?
30. Operation Human Shield is going nicely.
31. Man, Dany's just going right in on them, huh?
32. If it was this easy, why didn't she do it before?
33. They have varying degrees of aiming skills with those ballistas.
34. Like, there are about 30 of those things and they're all firing one at a time.
35. LOL there goes the Golden Company.
36. That poor horse!
37. The horse didn't sign up for the Golden Company. The horse is innocent in all this.
38. I'm suddenly very glad they didn't have any elephants; that would've been sad.
39. Very satisfying watching the Golden Company Douche getting speared by Grey Worm, though.
40. Honestly they seem to be doing a great job taking down the army and wall defenses without burning any of the city.
41. So like, what's the problem?
42. Damn, that's a badass shot of Grey Worm, Jon, and Ser Davos.
43. Why does poor Davos have to keep fighting in these battles, though? He's made it very clear he's "not much of a fighter."
44. Smart Lannister soldiers. Each Lannister soldier here is smarter than Jaime.
45. Somebody ring the damn bells already!
46. Isn't people yelling "ring the bells" pretty much as good as ringing the bells?
47. I mean, the sentiment is there.
48. THERE we go.
49. This was very simple, Dany.
50. All you had to do was not burn the peasants.
51. Honestly, just burn the Keep, maybe? Cersei's standing on a frickin' balcony.
52. The audacity of Jon to act surprised.
53. But really, this turn from Dany is completely unearned, imo.
54. I get that your characters have to make mistakes for things to be interesting, but razing an entire city to the ground? Why?
55. The Keep is right there, dude.
56. We get it, War Is Bad.
57. Oh, and now we're going to do a Jaime/Euron duel? OK.
58. Like, who cares? Honestly.
59. Bring back the Night King, TBH.
60. Look at Jaime, finally using his hand to his advantage.
61. Should I feel bad about Jaime being stabbed? I don't.
62. Also, what was Cersei's fuckin' plan here?
63. Honestly, Jaime and Euron BOTH dying is the ideal outcome here. So, yay!
64. Look at Sandor frickin' Clegane being a good murder-dad!
65. So after all that, Arya just...does nothing? Goes home?
66. CLEGANEBOWL TIME!
67. The only thing I still care about.
68. Oh fuck, that was a way for Qyburn to go out for sure.
69. Yeah, Cersei's battle map mural seems like a good place for her to die.
70. So, maybe that's still Jaime and not Arya in disguise.
71. Because that was a good stabbin' spot.
72. You gotta go for the head, Sandor. That's zombie 101.
73. OK, so yeah. Arya's still wandering about. There goes THAT Cersei death theory.
74. She's gonna assassinate Dany, isn't she?
75. Gonna be annoying if she came all this way to die in a stampede.
76. Go for the head, Sandor!
77. Gouge his eyes out or something!
78. Worked for him, anyway.
79. The head, idiot!
80. Arm stabs will get you nowhere.
81. Oh wow, look, you stabbed him in the fucking head. And it fucking worked. Kinda.
82. Well, falling 200 feet into a pit of fire oughta finish that.
83. Meanwhile, Dany's STILL BURNING SHIT FOR NO REASON.
84. Has there ever been a character turn this unearned?
85. So the question here is how is Arya gonna assassinate a woman on a dragon?
86. I know she can jump, but that would be a stretch.
87. Honestly, they could have cut half this episode and it would've freed up plenty of budget for more scenes with Ghost.
88. "I want our baby to live." Well you shoulda thought of that earlier, idiot.
89. Oh, so they just get unceremoniously buried in the dungeons? What happened to the whole valonqar theory?
90. We're gonna have to wait until next week for Arya to kill Dany, aren't we?
91. Well, at least that one horse made it.