50. Ohio
I'm just saying I've never met anyone who likes Ohio who isn't from Ohio.
49. Arkansas
Sorry, I just don't know what Arkansas does. Also, your name is just Kansas with a couple extra letters! Pronouncing it differently isn't fooling anyone.
48. Delaware
Forgot it exists, tbh.
47. Alabama
I hate to rank it this low because I hate to kick a state when it's down, but there's a reason why Alabama is the fill-in whenever anyone makes a joke about a state that doesn't have its shit together.
46. Kansas
Oh, you thought you were getting off easy because of what I said about Arkansas, huh?
45. Iowa
I've driven through Iowa, and it was some of the most boring scenery I've seen in this country. Maybe it's nice there! But I'll probably never find out.
44. Rhode Island
Not an island. I don't like a liar.
43. Missouri
Everyone I know who lives in St. Louis absolutely LOVES St. Louis. But let's be honest, that's pretty much all Missouri has going on, and it's riiiiiiight on the border.
42. Oklahoma
There's nothing Oklahoma does that Texas doesn't do better, tbh. Also, while we're here: I know that if we listed every atrocity committed by the US government against Black and Indigenous people, we'd be here all day and every state would be ranked #50, but the Tulsa massacre was particularly horrendous and it was so swept under the rug that most of us didn't learn about it until Watchmen came out. So, think about that.
41. Arizona
Too hot. An affront to God.
40. New Jersey
Just be happy you weren't ranked lower.
39. Connecticut
Too many rich people. Get outta here.
38. New Hampshire
The New Hampshire motto is "Live Free Or Die." And considering they're the only US state to not require seatbelts, it seems like they're leaning toward "die."
37. Kentucky
I'm not kidding, I had to add this in later when I realized I had forgotten all about Kentucky. I guess Louisville is pretty cool.
36. Indiana
I feel like Indianapolis is an underrated city, based entirely on my viewings of the HGTV show Good Bones. Other than that, meh.
35. Wisconsin
Wisconsin wishes it was what Minnesota is. However, they make good beer and cheese, I hear, and both those things are tasty.
34. Nebraska
Thanks for the corn.
33. Idaho
Thanks for the potatoes.
32. Mississippi
Maybe it's just me, but does anyone else feel like Mississippi has kind of a mystique to it? Like, what goes on down there? Do they still have old-timey riverboats? I bet they do.
31. South Dakota
There's a lot of natural beauty here. Mount Rushmore is dumb.
30. North Dakota
Like South Dakota, but without the dumb monument built on Indigenous land!
29. Nevada
Some of the northern parts are pretty, and I guess so are the southern parts if you like deserts. Vegas is fun if you're either in your twenties or eighties, but not in between.
28. Maine
Very pretty, but it snows too much. Next.
27. Maryland
Sorry, I don't eat crab cakes. Mostly an extension of DC, plus Baltimore.
26. Virginia
Mostly an extension of DC, plus plantations. But if you're into US history, here ya go.
25. South Carolina
Cool architecture, always feels a little racist.
24. North Carolina
Ever been to Asheville? That place is hella cool.
23. Georgia
Atlanta is a heck of a city. Everything's way too humid, though.
22. West Virginia
Gets bonus points purely for being in "Take Me Home, Country Roads," which we should adopt as our national anthem.
21. Massachusetts
Boston should be a cool city with all its history, but you gotta recognize that when the term "Mass-holes" exists...
20. Wyoming
I think Wyoming's a sleeper. The place looks beautiful. There's gotta be a reason Kanye picked it.
19. Montana
I absolutely KNOW Montana is beautiful. I also went to a rodeo there once where it kicked off with the Pledge of Allegiance and the announcer said "UNDER GOD" in a threateningly pointed way. I might just stick to the national parks.
18. Alaska
Gorgeous, but I don't know how anyone deals with A) the snow, B) how remote it is, and C) the complete loss of your circadian rhythm thanks to the extended periods of sun or darkness.
17. Washington
Has Seattle. Can hop over to Vancouver. Rains a bit too much.
16. Illinois
Let's be honest: The whole state is pretty much just Chicago. But Chicago is a pretty cool city!
15. Utah
Have you been to this place? It's GORGEOUS. Even if you've just driven through Colorado, you still look around and go "wow, this is pretty."
14. New Mexico
Some spots in New Mexico have cool vibes, like Taos. Other spots are Albuquerque. I mean, Breaking Bad was set there. That's a plus and a minus, ya know?
13. Florida
Sure, we've probably all said "Florida sucks" at some point, but Miami, Disney World, and all the entertaining "Florida Man" headlines have to be worth something.
12. Tennessee
Nashville! Whiskey! This place is like someone just threw up Americana all over.
11. Louisiana
New Orleans is a truly unique city and feels like no other place in the US. There's also this sense that you could drive into the Bayou and just disappear. Or maybe True Detective just scared me.
10. Pennsylvania
Always has a super blue-collar vibe to it. Lots of history, obviously. Nice trees.
9. Colorado
Stunning. Great outdoor activities: hot springs, skiing, hiking, you name it. Legalized weed early. Chill vibe. Needs stronger gun laws.
8. Minnesota
Blisteringly cold, but my goodness people are nice there. And everyone who's ever been to Minneapolis seems to love it.
7. Michigan
Incredible natural beauty. Generally friendly people. Also tends to have the type of people who protest against wearing masks and plot to kidnap the governor. It's a mixed bag.
6. Texas
Texas basically became the lens through which the rest of the world views us, and I think it's because they remain a caricature of what the USA is "supposed to be," whether that's cowboy boots and a southern twang or ill-advised shirking of regulation in the name of freedom. Their food is undeniably great, whether you're eating Tex-Mex or BBQ, and they're large enough that they have a few pretty great cities to visit.
5. Oregon
This whole state just has an indescribable vibe. You have Portland, with all its entertaining weirdness. You have Bend, which is the home of the last remaining Blockbuster Video. You also have a recurring problem with extremist right-wing militias.
4. New York
I say this as a Californian: New York City is the coolest city we have in the US. But this isn't a ranking of cities, it's a ranking of states. I've been to upstate New York. It's nice! It's not amazing.
3. Vermont
Stunning. No better place to see changing leaves in fall, IMO. Great maple syrup.
2. California
"Oh, look at that," you're probably saying, sarcastically. "A West Coast writer putting California super high on a ranking of states. I'm soooooo surprised." Yeah, well, there's a reason people like it here. Lots of natural beauty, mountains AND beaches, and several big cities to choose from. Sure, your area might be hit by earthquakes or catch fire on any given day, but when winter rolls around and you're sitting in 75-degree sun while everyone else is freezing their butts off, you'll take a little tectonic movement.
1. Hawaii
This place is impossibly gorgeous. It's so damn beautiful that it feels like you've gone to heaven. The food is fantastic, a mix of all the cultures that have been there or landed there. The Indigenous people of Hawaii have managed to strongly maintain their culture and values despite all the colonization, which makes it feel so different from the rest of the US. While the remoteness of it can make living there tough or expensive, the perks are worth it.