1.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
2.
the word doritos, with the diminutive suffix "-ito," implies the existence of larger chip. i intend to find this mythic ur-chip, this "Doro"
3.
Being an old-timey doctor would rule, just drunk as hell like "yeah u got ghosts in your blood, you should do cocaine about it"
4.
STOP ENCOURAGING EVERYONE TO GO TO COLLEGE THERE IS NOT ENOUGH PARKING
5.
6.
[jogging] brain: let's talk shall we me: ok brain: are we being chased me: no brain: are we chasing something me: no brain: so wtf are we doing then heart & lungs: we also have questions
7.
Just spotted a cat on someone's porch, miaowing to be let in. Without thinking, I walked up to the door, rang the bell, nodded to the cat and left. It was only I rounded the corner I realised what I'd done as I heard the owner shouting FUCK ME SARAH THE CAT JUST RANG THE DOORBELL
8.
me: u okay? girlfriend, crying: yea it was just these onions me to onions: what the fuck did u say to my girlfriend
9.
10.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
11.
12.
Uber driver: ........... Me: .......... Uber driver: .......... Me: 5 stars.
13.
So I’m @ the bank waiting in line & the guy in front of me is spitting game to the teller, she’s laughing & he’s attractive so I can tell she’s digging it, he asks her if he can take her out and she says “with what? The whole $11.96 you got in your account?” SON, my chest 😭
14.
Millenials. Walking around like they rent the place.
15.
The fact that Head & shoulders doesn't have a body wash called Knees and Toes disappoints me almost as much as I disappoint my parents.
16.
When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.
17.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
18.
*1st day in hell* Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts Me: Oh nice Devil: And you have to react to each one Me: NO
19.
For the past twenty years, I've been getting a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty sad not to get one this year. First my granny dies, now this?
20.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it's an "amazing natural phenomenon" but when I do it's a "problem"
21.
Me normally: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn’t fair. You shouldn’t need to work 3 jobs to afford basic necessities. Me playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.
22.
Girl: Wow that was the best sex I’ve ever had, but I have to ask.... why are you wearing that goofy chef’s hat?? Me: *beet red and physically exhausted slowly takes off hat to reveal ratatouille controlling my every move*
23.
24.
My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
25.
yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.
26.
Wow congrats, the woman is 87 years old
27.
I knew a family who named their four kids Charity, Hope, Faith, and Greg.
28.
Dad in every Disney channel movie: but son, you're giving up your DREAM Son in every Disney channel movie: no dad, I'm giving up ~yours~
29.
It's insane that Kinkos is a print shop and not a sex positive cereal
30.
When the moon hits your knees And you mispronounce trees Sycamore
31.
"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked. She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
32.
This video cassette I found at my grandmas house still makes me laugh so much
33.
ok taco bell you finally won me over
34.
And good Jovi to you, sir
35.
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
36.
Oh my gosh we really don’t deserve my mom. All she wanted to do was spell out love in our family pictures. She had no idea 😭😭😭 https://t.co/AP7mvtzH46
37.
I slept with this guy who works at Netflix, which was pretty cool because afterwards he recommended other guys I may also like sleeping with.
38.
Me: the eagles won last night Co worker: oh did you watch the game Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game
39.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
40.
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
41.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
42.
cop: are you high? me: hello, am i what? cop: high me: hello
43.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
44.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
45.
46.
kids have you applied the minty paste to the exposed part of your skeleton? yes? well now it is time to lie down in a dark room for hours
47.
FRIEND: I named my son Barry, bc we were listening to Barry White when he was conceived ME: that’s cool as hell [15 years later] ME: son can you hand me the newspaper YAKITY-SAX: fuck you dad
48.
I think my Uber driver is in trouble
49.
[concert] SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight CROWD: woo ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months
50.
Stranger Things Stranger Things 2 Strangers and Things 2 Strange 4 Things 5 Things The Strange and the Things: Tokyo Drift Strangest 7