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48 Thoughts You Have While Shopping On Etsy

"Maybe I DO need homemade soap that's shaped like a fetus!"

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1. Okay, I just need a present for Mom, so let's not get carried away here.

2. Maybe there's something for her under "trending items."

3. Why yes. Yes I do need a macaroni and cheese ring.

4. We'll just add that to the cart.

5. What happens in one's life that leads them to make a Christmas stocking covered in festive cats?

6. I want to meet that person. We would have many things to discuss.

7. It's so hard to tell if this stuff is being made by grandmas or very hip millennials.

8. You think you're going to trick me into buying your hand-carved bowl by putting a cat in it for the picture, but it won't work!

9. I know that cat doesn't come with the bowl! I won't add it to my cart!


10. I added the bowl to my cart.

11. I wonder how many trees had to die so that we could have all these side tables made out of unfinished tree stumps?

12. Okay, that's literally just a tree stump. You can't charge $75 for it.

13. God, I should really start my own Etsy store.

14. Oh, right. I don't have any crafting skills.

15. Roughly how into non-hormonal birth control do you have to be to wear IUD earrings?

16. I would get those for Mom but I'm not sure she'd get the irony.

17. This site is like if Santa's workshop was run by insane elves who read too much Goop.

18. There's honeymoon lingerie for men? I wonder what that looks like.


19. Oh god. I must have them.

20. I wasn't planning on getting married anytime soon, but now that I'm on this site I want to.

21. I had no idea people were so into corks.

22. Thus far I have found 4,236 items personalized with the name "Aiden."

23. Few things speak to me as much as a patch that says "Touch My Butt And Buy Me Pizza" does.

24. There is a person who lives in Germany and exclusively makes Grumpy Cat plushies and the thought of that just delights me.

25. I'm not sure how long I've been on this site now. Could be decades.

26. The tides will change. Mountains will wear down to dust. The sun will swallow our planet. And I will still be browsing Etsy.

27. Ooh, I can get a custom canvas print of my dog as a Renaissance painting!

28. I have a problem.

29. WAIT. Why is this bar made out of crutches and why does it COST $4,600?!


30. Maybe I can make millions by selling people credenzas made of used cotton swabs and popsicle sticks.

31. Honestly I'm surprised at how many vagina-related products there are here.

32. Thus far I've come across a vagina puppet pillow and a golden vagina sculpture.

33. Actually, I take it back. I'm not surprised.

34. So many things on this site are just confusing and scary to me.

35. Does dog-poop-shaped soap usually have to be vegan?

36. Is actual dog poop vegan? It is an animal product after all.

37. I didn't know it until today, but I really need an adorable felt fetus with attached placenta.

38. Oh god there are so many placenta-related products. What is happening.


39. Why. No. Why.

40. Why.

41. Whyyyyyyyyy.

42. This turned into a very fetus-heavy shopping experience.

43. This site has literally everything. It's like a genie that reads your thoughts and sells you what you want, but it's a tricky genie so the thing you get is just slightly off.

44. Literally, everything. I didn't even know there were SMS-based psychics.

45. Do you think her powers still work on iMessage?

46. Well, I now have $437.58 worth of stuff in my cart.

47. What did I come here for again?

48. Oh yeah, Mom. Eh, I'll just get her a card from Target.