1. These men are tall and handsome.
2. Time to meet the people they're going to help!
3. I already disapprove of this couple they're renovating for and I don't know why.
4. Oh my god, they have to lightly brush up against each other when they're both in the kitchen? HOW DO THEY LIVE?
5. And they have to brush their teeth in the same sink? THE HORROR.
6. Thank god for Jonathan's highlights, because without them it would be literally impossible to tell the two of them apart.
7. Thank god for Jonathan's highlights in general.
8. This couple's current place isn't open-concept. That is unacceptable. Everyone knows that all homes must be open-concept. It is the law of the land, handed down by decree of Our Lord and Savior HGTV. Walls are sin. Everyone knows that.
9. My favorite is when a single person decides they need a five-bedroom house. For "guests."
10. DON'T BELIEVE THEM, STRANGERS. THE FIRST HOUSE IS A TRICK.
11. I will never stop being disappointed when they find out the price of the "dream home."
12. One day I'd like to see a wish list that doesn't include a damn farm sink.
13. Okay, here's how you would tell them apart without the hair: Jonathan has one solitary dimple.
14. Why does every guy on the show need a "man cave?" What about a "lady cave?" All I'm asking for is gender equality in in-home caves.
15. First house…cue the "scary music" as they walk in the door.
16. It's like the worst horror movie ever. Popcorn ceilings?! DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.
17. All you have to do to figure out if they shot this episode in Canada or not is wait for someone to say "about" or "aboot."
18. Every kitchen ever has to be "completely redone." Even if it's just because they don't have an island. Gut the whole thing.
19. And don't even TALK about not having stainless steel appliances.
20. People have the weirdest dealbreakers.
21. Like, my dealbreaker would be if the house didn't have a roof.
22. Oh, the couple wants the house that's over their budget? What a surprise.
23. "This bathroom is so small!" What are you doing in there that requires so much room?
24. 3D MODELED ROOMS WITH MAGICALLY APPEARING FURNITURE!
25. I'm not that into open-concept, but there's something so satisfying about watching those walls disappear into the floor.
26. Inevitable:
Drew: "We should go in with an initial offer at about $550,000."
Clients: "We want to offer $150,000."
Drew: "…."
27. Haha you know what would be funny? If there was like, Property Brothers fanfiction out there.
28. OH GOD. OH GOD NO.
29. My favorite thing is watching people who have never done manual labor before try to demo a wall with a sledgehammer.
30. There is ALWAYS asbestos. Does every house ever have asbestos in it? Am I slowly dying?
31. "Hey, I know we're already $50,000 over budget and a week behind in schedule, but can we add a home theater?" — Every one of Jonathan's clients.
32. People are really passionate about backsplashes.
33. What do you think Drew does while Jonathan is doing all this work? I bet he lounges by a pool and humblebrags about it via text.
34. MAGIC:
35. Drew always comes back from his pool lounging to revel in the client's tears of joy at seeing their renovated home. I'm on to you, Drew.
36. I bet I could do this.
37. Nvm I forgot I can't even assemble Ikea furniture correctly.
38. But I could buy some throw pillows. I should buy some throw pillows.
39. OK, I think I have time for maybe five or six more episodes.
