1. What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
2. I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
3. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
4. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course! The Empire State Building can't jump.
5. If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They're usually 90 degrees.
6. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
7. What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
8. George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, "I'll direct."
DiCaprio says, "I'll act."
McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
9. A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "Hey."
The horse replies, "Sure."
10. Apparently you can't use "beef stew" as a password.
It's not stroganoff.
11. I googled "Rorshach test."
But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.
12. If you have 10 apples in one hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have?
Really, really big hands.
13. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
14. A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much do you charge?"
The lawyer says, "$5,000 for three questions."
"Wow, that's pretty expensive, isn't it?" the man asks.
"Yes," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"
15. What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises!
When do we want them? NNNNNEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!
16. I took part in the suntanning Olympics...
...but I only got bronze.
17. Not only is my new thesaurus terrible...
...it's also terrible.
18. How does NASA organize a party?
19. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
20. Murphy's Law says that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
Cole's Law is thinly sliced cabbage.
21. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
22. I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y.
23. I told my friend not to get too excited about turning 32, since her birthday party would be so short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked.
I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."