1.
[tv commercial] me: "know what i'd love for breakfast?" mum: "what's that son?" me: "if someone pre-chewed my food" narrator: "porridge"
2.
"What's for dinner?" *opens oven* Pizza "Nice" *tries to get pizza out of oven* I mean calzones "Great" *gives up* we're having pizza soup
3.
me after eating one piece of broccoli
4.
999: "i dont think that's a crime" me: "im pretty sure stealing a sandwich is theft" 999: "sir we cannot arrest a seagull"
5.
*walks up to podium* A hotdog is a kind of taco *crowd murmurs uneasily* *leans into mic* and therefore a sandwich *crowd goes fuckin nuts*
6.
me before eating vs me after I eat
7.
a girl pulled up next to me at the light and we made eye contact then she saw i was eating a ham sandwich and she rolled up her window
8.
the fondue...? you mean, my drinking cheese?
9.
doctor: congrats! its a boy! wife: would you like to hold him? me: (fingers covered in cheetos dust) ok sure
10.
i don't have a 5 year plan but i did just wonder if a whole pizza was going to be enough food for me
11.
it's called a food court because it's where you sit and judge yourself for eating general tso's chicken in a mall
12.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal 1pm: small salad, chicken breast 5pm: grilled salmon, spinach 9pm: 4 whole "i don't give a shit anymore" pizzas
13.
stranger: *eats pizza with fork* me: hello I know we've never met but fight me
14.
DOCTOR: Do you do any aerobic exercise? ME: Huh? DOCTOR: Like where you sweat [flashback to me sweating while eating KFC] ME: Yes
15.
scientist: what do we call our beautiful galaxy, home of our beloved planet & solar system dude eating a candy bar: hear me out
16.
[working on slogan for little caesar's] Guy: Pizza? CEO: You are a buffoon. Get out Another guy: Pizza...pizza? [ceo starts a slow clap]
17.
Just binge watched a whole pizza
18.
Stay in your lane, pizza places that serve chicken wings.
19.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
20.
It's like someone came up with the name "squash" based on how much they thought people would enjoy eating it.
21.
You know that friend that always asks to eat your pizza crusts? Look a little closer, it's probably a bunch of pigeons in disguise
22.
King size candy bars make the not so subtle assumption that all kings have severe self control issues when it comes to eating candy