1. If you have a cat, you're either trying not to smother them with attention or you're yelling at them for eating something. There's no in-between.
2. Also, note that I didn't say "own" a cat.
Remember, you don’t OWN a cat. You know a cat.
3. Because really, we're just our cats' roommates.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats. Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
4. And we basically think they're human.
my cat is on antibiotics and for one second my fucking brain was like “wait this means he can’t drink”
5. There's no alarm clock that works better than a cat.
6. Sometimes they can be a ~little~ dramatic.
7. Or a lot dramatic.
8. Or chaotic, once they're comfortable with you.
Rescue Cat Five Years Ago: can I sit here? Is that cool? I’m sorry if it’s not. Thank you so much for not hating me, it’s really nice. I love you. Rescue Cat Today: I SNUCK INTO THE PANTRY AND ATE ALL THE CRACKERS CLEAN UP MY VOMIT YOU SWINE FOR I AM RULER OF THE LIVING ROOM
9. But on the plus side, you have your very own demon repellent.
10. They always ~think~ they want what you have.
11. And sometimes they're right.
I left the groceries for ONE MINUTE so I could pee and he took a bite out of every single tortilla. I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
12. They have a very different energy from any other pet.
ME: whose dog are you DOG: I'M YOUR DOG I'M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL ME: whose cat are you CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON'T TOUCH MY STOMACH
13. Fun fact: Cats are actually non-Newtonian fluid.
14. Another fun fact: There are only nine types of cat.
15. But whatever, we'll do anything for our cats, like pay dumb apartment fees.
Biggest scam ever... Apartments charging pet fees but not children fees. My cat literally lays on a blanket all day while I can literally hear children beating on the walls.
16. Or give them late-night pep talks.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
