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1. A ceramic mug for the S/O who refuses to watch conspiracy docs, psychological thrillers, or The Blue Planet with you. Why? They'd rather watch the shenangians going on at Dunder Mifflin for the trillionth time.
2. A fishnet-and-lace teddy with a bow-back sure to make you say "hummuna hummuna hummuna" every time you spot it in your intimates drawer.
3. A quiz book complete with questions perfect for any couple, whether you've been married for 20 years or just made it "Facebook official" three seconds ago. Get ready to discuss everything from pet peeves to weird sleeping positions.
4. A digital custom portrait because who doesn't want an illustrated version of their four-legged friend? Warning: this is the gift of all gifts, and you will never be able to top it.
5. Hypoallergenic stud earrings that can totally pass off as a much more expensive purchase. "You shouldn't have spent so much!" I love you, darling, but I didn't spend much at all.
6. Water-resistant handmade stickers for anyone who would rather be dating Peter Kavinsky but alas, they're stuck with you. (I'm joking, but I'm also not joking.)
7. A stovetop tea kettle made with a heat-resistant glass, a steel mesh filter, and an ergonomic handle for a gift that's both practical and beautiful to look at. Hello, beautiful.
8. A 3D pop-up card for Star Wars fans and rose bouquet devotees alike. Another plus for the latter card? It won't die in three days.
9. A gorgeous storage case for alllllll the jewelry currently getting tangled in a random shoe box stuffed into the back of a closet. This is a practical purchase one can even buy for themselves, to themselves.
10. A portkey coaster that works pretty terribly, actually. If you put down a drink, expect to never see it again. It'll probably end up in Diagon Alley or something like that.
11. Cooking with Nonna, a cookbook packed with 100 classic Italian recipes. Hoping to whip up a romantic V- Day dinner at home? Here's your answer. Get ready to share spaghetti with bae a la Lady and the Tramp.
12. Knee-high socks featuring a very friendly sloth that does not look creepy at all. Psst, these babies are available in 14 other styles...including hedgehogs, butterflies, and koalas.
13. A pocket-sized beer journal that allows one to record the "appearance, aroma, taste, mouthfeel, and overall impressions" of 124 beers. It even includes a handy reference guide and glossary!
14. A cold brew coffee maker to save them a TON of money in the long run. Buying cold brew is hella expensive, and they have yet to win the lottery. Thanks for that, fate.
15. A Cafe Du Monde kit for anyone craving delicious, nutritious, New Orleans-inspired coffee and beignets. Name a more iconic duo! Oh wait, you can't.
16. Rubber wine condoms that provide an air- and water-tight seal for your favorite bottle of red. Does this seem like a gag gift? Yes. But does it actually work? Also yes.
17. A simple picture frame you can customize with your own photograph (#obviously) for a gift that's super romantic and personal. *cue Nickelback*
18. A choker necklace perfect for people who deserve all of Rihanna's diamonds, but you've yet to win the lottery. Get ready to see your S/O rocking this affordable (but quality) accessory every single day!
19. A stress toy they'll want to squeeze whenever they're having a terrible day and in a bad mood. I guess this is the perfect thing to have when you've got a ~chip~ on your shoulder.
20. A silicone mold to infuse your ice (or chocolate!) game with some much-needed magic. Dining in The Great Hall? Eh, your kitchen is probably better.
21. A gift set complete with ~unusual yet delicious~ chocolate flavors to be consumed in one sitting. Cinnamon cereal chocolate, waffle cone chocolate, popping candy chocolate, bacon chocolate....
22. A mini waffle bowl maker for 🎶 any kind of treat, from both savory to sweet 🎶**. Get ready for ice cream bowls, taco bowls, chicken-and-waffle bowls, and more.
23. A 300-piece puzzle you'll want to complete with your favorite travel companion prior to embarking on a country-wide road trip...or if you plan on doing one in the unforeseeable future.
24. A ~Starbarks~ chew toy for your coffee-obsessed best friend. You know, the one who will ALWAYS be your favorite Valentine, the one you would die for, the one who is your WHOLE WORLD.
25. A guitar pick sure to delight musicians and pun enthusiasts around the globe. Mostly the latter, TBH.
26. A pregnancy journal (arranged by trimester) packed with checklists and fill-in the blanks for the person that's expecting a new pint-sized BFF.
27. A beard kit perfect for anyone with — SURPRISE! — a beard. Say hello to a pocket-sized brush and bamboo comb duo currently on a mission to make grooming fun.
28. Gel pens that will make a prr-fect addition to their office supplies collection, because it is statistically proven that writing with fun instruments makes work seem 1000x more tolerable.
29. A chocolate decadence cake with a fudge-like consistency you'll technically be purchasing for your Valentine, but will you eat at least 1/2 of it? Absolutely.
30. Non-slip socks for the romantic pal you'd go on a wine tour with. Will they know the difference between Cabernet or Merlot? No. Do they love and appreciate all wine, including ones that are very cheap? Yes.
31. A springform pan so that they, too, can eat one of those beautiful jiggly cheesecakes that the lovely people at Tasty like to torture me with via video.
32. Floating shelves because while an at-home library is in their near future (I PROMISE!), they'll have to currently use every inch of wall space to showcase their rather impressive book collection.
33. Cookie cutters inspired by your literary faves. Chomping into a chocolate chip delicacy in the shape of Jane Austen, William Shakespeare, Edgar Allan Poe, or Emily Dickinson? Sweet.
34. A v-neck chemise made from a soft, silky material because lounging at home can absolutely be both comfy AND cute.
35. New York in Color, a gorgeous book featuring photography of the most colorful corners in NYC. This is perfect for the S/O who wanted to move to NYC this year but alas, doesn't have one million dollars (and a spare organ) to pay for a closet-sized apartment.
36. A two-quart slow cooker complete with a tempered glass lid, three different cook settings, and OH YEAH! Fantastic designs! Come hither, my Marvel- and Batman-obsessed friends. Your kitchenware is about to get exponentially better.
37. A ceramic mug best paired with a freshly-brewed cup of coffee and (yet another) episode of Law & Order: SVU. Olivia Benson, you are my idol.
38. A prompt-filled hardcover journal ideal for movie buffs and aspiring critics. Forget saving those ticket stubs — this book acts as an even better memento.
An animated interpretation of your partner, receiving that box of Kinder chocolates:
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