Why I Don't Hate The Woman Who Wrote The "I'm So Hot" Story For The "Daily Mail"
She's like a parody of a human being. Is she really worth this much of our energy?
Friends, you can stop sending me this article. I saw it the day it came out and my first thought was, āThis is too easy to ridicule. Even for a blogger, this is way too easy. Iām sure no one else will take it seriously.ā To me it was a piece of fiction, and a highly comedic one at that.
In case you missed it, Samantha Brick, whose name even sounds made-up, wrote about how "pretty" she is, and how it leads to constant spontaneous gift-giving by men around her. "There are downsides to being pretty," she wrote. "The main one being that other women hate me for no other reason than my lovely looks."
I didnāt even hate Brick like I was supposed to, because I was convinced she wasnāt real. Kind of like how H&M's models are photoshopped versions of people rather than actual humans. Or, just like how that sensationalized story about the 8-year-old whose mom was giving her botox ā which began in "The Sun," another British tabloid ā also wasnāt real. From a practical standpoint, a lot of stories in the British tabloid sare made up so I had reason to believe this woman is a photoshopped image with a photoshopped personality.

Except instead of trying to improve upon her personality, her editors made it worse. They made it as bad as a personality can possibly be. In fact, if her personality was a thigh, it would be covered in cellulite, bruises, bloody gashes, pubic hair, vericose veins, and dead animals. And canāt you see why they did it? Because the world ate it up. Fake Samantha Brick Twitter feeds sprouted rapidly. She was on morning television in the U.K. today. Even Barbara Walters took a moment on "The View" to say that Brick "is not that beautiful, okay?" Barbara Walters is talking about this on "The View"! Iām sorry, but Iām not: really?
Following the backlash against Dara-Lynn Weissās harrowing "Vogue" story about snatching food out of the hands of the 7-year-old daughter she forced to go on a diet, the last thing the world needs is to shower massive press on another loathsome woman. All youāre doing is setting her up for a book deal like Weiss, people! And the more you respond with outrage the more sheās going to write about herself and talk about herself and maybe get that very lucrative book deal. Is this what we really want from our most attention-grabbing female writers? Sensational stories about how theyāre bad people? Is "hate me" journalism the new "gotcha journalism"? Okay, FINE. Hereās a selection from my upcoming essay, āPlease Hate Me After You Read This Thing I Wrote.ā
I went to the gym today where no one could stop staring at the perfect-ness I displayed in my matching Lululemon sports bra and leggings. I donāt wear anything but a sports bra and tight bottoms at the gym because I donāt want to deprive the world of the Gisele-surpassing beauty that lies underneath. I owe it to them to inspire them to be better looking.
Also, hereās another thing that happens when Iām at the gym: people practically thrust kittens holding full champagne flutes and diamonds in my hands when Iām on the elliptical machine, while trying to ask me on dates and beg me for advice about life. I love how it reminds me of how stupendously amazing I am. Also, I can afford to take the time to stop and pet the kittens and tuck the diamonds into my incredibly enviable cleavage because I donāt need to work out anyway, really. I just go to the gym so that other people donāt feel bad about the fact that they have to go to the gym and still look so much worse than me. When I use the steam room, Iām so hot they donāt even have to turn it on. Thatās another favor I do for people there.
Often on my walk home from the gym, people will stop me and get on their knees and beg me to take money out of their wallets for being as hot and amazing as I am. I have to take the money because if I didnāt, Iād end up with people crawling on their hands and knees all the way home with me, waving money at me. Itās so hard being me! *Sobs!*
And when Iām not getting champagne bottles and diamonds forced upon me, Iām probably working on my lesson plan for the āHow to Make a Thinspo Pinterest Boardā workshop I teach to tween girls as part of my ongoing community service work to make the world a hotter place.
And because I can admit that I'm wrong about that piece being fiction, here is Samantha Brick talking about herself on television, which I guess proves she is a real person.