To Spray Tan Or Not To Spray Tan?

For the pale among us, occasion tanning has become as much a part of occasion dressing as leg-shaving. But why? The Fashion Mailbag is here to resolve the issue.

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I have to go to a bachelorette party in Miami in the near future and am thinking about getting a spray tan for the occasion. I live up north where it’s cold and gloomy and so I’m pretty pale. Tanning is not a Thing I Do, so it’s like, do I bother with this spray tan business?

I wouldn’t. Because, who cares? Honestly with this Tan Mom terrorizing the nation right now I’m more tanning averse than ever, wether it’s coming from a booth, a squirt machine or the sun in the sky. So if you’re naturally pale, who gives a crap, really? It’s a bachelorette party. Once you get down there you’ll be more concerned with drinking away the penis cookie and house music of it all than being tan.

However, you do raise an interesting question about Occasion Tanning. For some reason it’s become part of getting ready for some momentous thing in life, whether it’s a small event like a trip to somewhere sunny or a big event like your wedding. Shave the legs, pluck the eyebrows, go on a diet, get a tan. As a fellow pale person, I don’t see why Tan should be hotter than Not Tan. And yet, this is probably how most of us feel about our own appearance — that we look better with a tan. Yes, some sexy people are naturally tan, but some sexy people are very pale!

And I feel like more and more lately, famous people are ruining Tan. It’s become a mark of the tacky, as evidenced by:

3. 1. Everyone on “Jersey Shore” except maybe Vinny.

Seriously, don’t you want to be the opposite of these people in every way?

4. 2. The terrifying Tan Mom.

5. 3. “Mob Wives.”

6. 4. The Real Housewives of Orange County, New Jersey and Beverly Hills. (With few exceptions, like my girl LISA.)

The current O.C. Housewives cast.

However! I am very lazy and cheap which is another reason I say don’t bother with the spray tan. But if you’re not as lazy or cheap and also want some color for the purpose of that much added sun protection and don’t mind putting some effort into getting it, you might want to try a Tan Towel before you splurge on a salon treatment. I hear these work well.

It’s just a wipe with tanner in it that you rub on yourself.

And if you want to try to work it into your weekend so that you don’t have to sit around eating cream-filled penis cake and sending complaining texts to your friends who didn’t have to go, apparently “spray tan parties” are a Thing, so you could go with everyone while you’re down there and be just like these ladies!

Anyway, no matter what you do, be yourself! If yourself is spray tanned, be spray tanned. And no matter what, wear sunscreen every day.

So good luck not feeling embarrassed when you’re at this thing! I hope no plastic penis straws, stripper poles, or other cliché bachelorette party things figure into your weekend.

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