1. Black-and-white floral hat with lace motif.
This had has great height and texture, and is definitely on-trend in terms of coloring. But the design feels a bit safe.
It’s fine, but not great.
2. Neon red-orange and fuchsia fascinator that looks like it has a little pink sail on top.
Major points here for asymmetry and modernity.
3. Grade: A+
No. 2 offers what every hat should: the ability to remind Kate Middleton of the fact that it REALLY sucks that she’s a public servant and just can’t get away with wearing neon. Ever.
4. Fish hat.
Even if you’re only going to be seen in the cheap seats… what?
Better luck next time.
5. Basic black blob with matching plumes.
It does the job and is fairly basic, but looks slightly cheap.
Naomi expected more.
6. The flying saucer with bow on top.
As a pastel sun shade, this isn’t bad, but the bow looks slightly insectile.
Perfectly adequate and not worth insulting, but also not particularly memorable.
7. Flower wider than the lady wearing it.
This hat is really amazing. It has height, breadth, girth…
It would be impossible for people who came with you to not know where you were.
It’s worth getting up and screaming about. Take a minute to do that right now then we’ll resume.
8. Do another run around the room for the queen, who does no wrong when it comes to hats.
9. Moving on! Here’s a black hat growing a long curly nipple.
There is just nothing memorable or pretty about this one.
10. The sassy sheer black hat with the geometric white bow.
This reminds me of something, and I’m pretty sure it’s not something cute.
I remember now: department store bedding displays.
11. The floral-yet-also-vaginal door jamb.
It’s pretty and makes quite an impact but then you pick up on the vaginal quality of the thing.
12. Grade: A-
Pretty great but not quite as great as number 7.
It’s creative but just lacks in prettiness.
14. And finally, check out this wreath.
It’s just perfect.
AREN’T HATS THE BEST?
Yes. Yes, they are.
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