Style

Judging The Hats At Britain’s Latest Major Horserace

The Royal Ascot has once again brought out the UK’s finest in wacky and tacky daytime millinery. Let’s judge the most ostentatious of those hats with GIFs!

1. Black-and-white floral hat with lace motif.

DARREN STAPLES / Reuters

This had has great height and texture, and is definitely on-trend in terms of coloring. But the design feels a bit safe.

Grade: C+

It’s fine, but not great.

2. Neon red-orange and fuchsia fascinator that looks like it has a little pink sail on top.

DARREN STAPLES / Reuters

Major points here for asymmetry and modernity.

3. Grade: A+

No. 2 offers what every hat should: the ability to remind Kate Middleton of the fact that it REALLY sucks that she’s a public servant and just can’t get away with wearing neon. Ever.

4. Fish hat.

DARREN STAPLES / Reuters

Even if you’re only going to be seen in the cheap seats… what?

Grade: F

Better luck next time.

5. Basic black blob with matching plumes.

TOBY MELVILLE / Reuters

It does the job and is fairly basic, but looks slightly cheap.

Grade: C

Naomi expected more.

6. The flying saucer with bow on top.

Eamonn M. McCormack / Getty Images

As a pastel sun shade, this isn’t bad, but the bow looks slightly insectile.

Grade: B-

Perfectly adequate and not worth insulting, but also not particularly memorable.

7. Flower wider than the lady wearing it.

Eamonn M. McCormack / Getty Images

This hat is really amazing. It has height, breadth, girth…

Eamonn M. McCormack / Getty Images

It would be impossible for people who came with you to not know where you were.

Grade: A++

It’s worth getting up and screaming about. Take a minute to do that right now then we’ll resume.

8. Do another run around the room for the queen, who does no wrong when it comes to hats.

Eamonn M. McCormack / Getty Images

9. Moving on! Here’s a black hat growing a long curly nipple.

Eamonn McCormack / Getty Images

Grade: F

There is just nothing memorable or pretty about this one.

10. The sassy sheer black hat with the geometric white bow.

Eamonn McCormack / Getty Images

This reminds me of something, and I’m pretty sure it’s not something cute.

Grade: C

I remember now: department store bedding displays.

11. The floral-yet-also-vaginal door jamb.

Eamonn M. McCormack / Getty Images

It’s pretty and makes quite an impact but then you pick up on the vaginal quality of the thing.

12. Grade: A-

Pretty great but not quite as great as number 7.

13. This cone hat, which seems to be inspired by menstruation.

DARREN STAPLES / Reuters

I look at this and I just think, “When ombré goes horribly menstrual.

Grade: B

It’s creative but just lacks in prettiness.

14. And finally, check out this wreath.

DARREN STAPLES / Reuters

It’s just perfect.

Grade: A+++

AREN’T HATS THE BEST?

Yes. Yes, they are.

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