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    34 New Rules For Men's Fashion

    The spring men's collections just hit the runway in London. According to rules set out by these most innovative of clothing designers, all you dudes should stock up on cropped jean jackets and crocheted shorts.

    1. In terms of sweaters, nude harem scenes are the new snow scenes.

    2. Balance out the volume of nearly knee-length shorts with a cropped jean jacket.

    3. Come up with a sharp nickname like "JET BOY" to wear on your back.

    4. Wrap yarn around a tennis net and wear it as a top.

    5. In fact, instead of wearing clothes, just coat your body in a thick foam of Pepto-Bismol.

    6. Or, if your complexion doesn't lend itself to pink, try egg whites.

    7. Instead of a shirt, wear a scarf and sleeves made of dish towels.

    8. Rock full denim ensembles with the patented dweeby gusto of Zack Morris.

    9. Try losing the shirt if you really want to take double man denim to the next level.

    10. Show Kouchdashian how hardcore floral looks are really done.

    11. Get a coat that can double as a fireman costume at Halloween.

    12. Practice the ukelele while your hair sets.

    13. Instead of sandblasted jeans, try a more flamboyant wash.

    14. Think of your body as an elegant Monet canvas.

    15. Roomy knee-length jackets make printed outfits work just fine on fat days.

    16. Or on hotter days, layer sleeveless shift dresses over matching cigarette pants.

    17. Ankle boots toughen even the most prim sleeveless suiting.

    18. Wear pastel suits with all your friends.

    19. Dress like you'd play cricket if it didn't involve being outside with dirt.

    20. There is no such thing as "too matchy-matchy."

    21. Really, just trade in all your Billabong for this.

    22. Instead of "Where's Waldo?" use your clothes as an opportunity to ask, "Where's the flamingo?"

    23. Accessorize with a tween's beach sarong around your neck.

    24. Wear cats, but much more subtly than this.

    25. Wear outfits all the women in your life can borrow.

    26. Layer tunic tops under your whites.

    27. On days when full floral suits feel like "too much," try a jacket that resembles a purple aquarium.

    28. Do your hair like Peggy Olsen. Act like you don't know it's been done that way.

    29. Dress like you're going to school on a spaceship.

    30. Try a suit that makes you look like you're wearing a slinky.

    31. Strapless leather jumpsuits look modest layered over a simple tee.

    32. Dress like a woman in Céline.

    33. Wear one baggy sleeve at a time.

    34. And when all else fails, just wear a maxi dress under a blazer.