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    33 Absolutely Universal Truths About Fashion

    Don't believe what they say — clothes are NOT ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE.

    1. You will lose every pair of sunglasses you spend more than $20 on.

    2. Your tights will run the first time you wear them.

    3. You will want to return things you bought at Forever 21 but you CAN'T.

    Because they only give store credit. Assholes.

    4. Ditto American Apparel.

    Because those jerks also don't allow returns.

    5. Your jeans will fit awesomely when you first put them on in the morning and then get baggy at the end of the day.

    6. You will convince yourself that maybe-too-short dress you have is OK for work — and then regret wearing it all day.

    7. You will buy something amazing...


    Stella McCartney.

    Without thinking about how it's dry-clean only.

    Of course you will never actually dry-clean it.

    8. You will buy the sweetest, most perfect linen dress...

    And never iron or steam it like you promised yourself you would.

    9. You will never hand-wash anything.

    Talk about a pain in the ass.

    10. You'll get your hair did.

    And then it will RAIN.

    11. You will spill on anything you buy that's white.

    12. You will fail to knot your bikini straps tightly enough and they will come loose while you're swimming.

    13. You will find something to buy in a vintage store and feel like a badass...

    And then decide you hate it and never wear it.

    14. You will pair a tunic top that is ALMOST A DRESS with leggings and hate how your outfit looks by the end of the day.

    15. You will cut off your own jorts and the legs will be uneven, which will drive you crazy.

    16. You will try pull off irreverently pairing sneakers with a dress, like Rihanna does...

    And then decide you look stupid and feel like a fool.

    17. Your skin-care products will discolor your towels.

    18. Ditto your pillowcases.

    19. Your light-colored scarf will get lint all over your black coat.

    20. Your favorite summer sandals will try to shed their soles.


    21. You will buy a completely fabulous bra...

    And just end up wearing your plain Calvin Klein T-shirt bra all the time because it's easier.

    22. No pair of heels is actually comfortable.


    And they all make you feel pretty much like, well, crap.

    23. You will never go out of your way to buy a slip for that white thing you have that needs one.

    24. You will never be able to improvise tops the way models do.

    25. You will swear to yourself that you'll get things tailored so they fit perfectly...

    But you'll never actually bother.

    26. Some clothes will always show underwear lines...

    No matter how hard to try to get rid of them.

    27. Spanx are never comfortable enough to be worth it.

    28. You will never lose five pounds to fit into something you haven't worn yet.

    29. Your crop tops will never be work-appropriate.

    No matter what magical thinking convinces you that they can be so.

    30. Your sequined stuff will catch on everything.

    Do not even TRY to get it near knitwear.

    31. You will never find a way to seamlessly wear a bra with that clingy backless dress you love.

    32. Basically, fashion can be incredibly fun and totally wonderful.

    And freeing and expressive of who you are, and all of that.

    33. But sometimes it is just horrible and embarrassing and out to make us feel bad and awkward.

    But: whatever!

    Because at the end of the day, you know this will always be true.